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| | From:  Fairygem1 (Original Message) | Sent: 8/4/2005 8:33 PM |
THE MOODS OF A WOMAN
  
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. 
THE MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.   
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Womanhood
by An Unknown Brilliant Woman Author
 Women over 50 don't have babies because
they would put them down and forget where they left them.
Isn't that the TRUTH!!!
 One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound
box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles
is to wear really tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when
you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
 The older you get, the tougher it is to lose
weight because by then, your body and your fat
are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday,
along came today.
 Sometimes I think I understand
everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept
rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet
for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when
they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just
forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address,
my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've
never forgotten to eat. You have to be
a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth
control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
The trouble with some women is that they get all
excited about nothing and then they marry him.
 I read this article that said the typical
symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying,
and driving too fast. Are they kidding?
That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that
nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
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Who Needs a Man??? 
If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog. If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog. If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog. 
If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog. If you want someone who's always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog. If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbors, get a dog. 
If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog. If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog. If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog! 
On the other hand...
If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and come home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that HE's happy... Get a CAT! 
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Women Drivers 
Driving to the office this morning on the I-81, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 85 MPH per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eye liner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup !!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned 'Big Jim and the Twins', ruined the phone and
DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.
DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!! |
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Never Tell Her She Has A Big Butt! 
A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, the wife was working in the garden while the husband was grilling hamburgers out on the lawn. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said...
''Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill.''
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt.
''Yep,'' he said,'' just what I thought, just about the same size.''
The wife became mad and left him outside alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said,
''How about it, honey? How about a little ooche coochee?''
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
''What's the matter?'' he asked.
She replied...
''You don't think I'm going to fire up this big A$$ grill just for one little old weenie, do you?'' |
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Keeping Healthy I'm doing what they tell me to keep healthy
Following the Food Pyramid
Taking my vitamin supplements
Exercising and
Drinking 8 bottles of water a day!!! It's the water that is giving me the problem! 
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  When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness... just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided,
Returning each deed. Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach,
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
And when that is done I'll hide under the bed!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry I'll run... if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both my eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan. "She's so sweet . when she's sleeping!"
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) ~ Author Unknown |
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The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as
his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.This time he received a response of eighty percent.
 Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. "Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?' "I don't have any." "Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you? "Ninety-three." "Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world." 
The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around & said: "It's easy. I just outlived the sons of bitches."
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How to IMPRESS a WOMAN - 
Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, 
kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, 
tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, 
hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, 
listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, 
hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her. 
- How to IMPRESS a MAN - 
Show up naked. Bring beer. 
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I Need To Speak The Manager  A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. "Are you the Manager?" She asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
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The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait! An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm jumping too. The blonde opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." (Oh this is GOOD!!) Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said," Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch. |
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