..... oh my, what a wonderful morning I had today!    Finally found the key that unlocked the door that let me out of the mental prison I had been in all my life.... guilt!

Guilt for getting what I wanted... 

I was taught I was wrong and bad to get what I wanted.   And I internalized the message that if I got what I wanted.. other people would be mad at me... and think badly of me.... and it was wrong to make other people mad.   It was wrong to displease them.  

Now it all is becoming so clear to me.... the reasons I constantly sabatoged my progress over the years.. the reasons I constantly created blocks to prevent myself from getting things I wanted... stop myself from being successful.... not allow myself to enjoy the things I wanted to enjoy, like my crafts etc.... or the reasons I felt bad those times I did get the things/lifestyle that I wanted... and couldn't allow myself to really enjoy them.

This has all been bubbling up and brewing inside me, to overflowing ... since we moved to this apartment almost a year ago now.  

The changes of enlightenment were gradually taking place inside all these months, as I was able to deal with them...  causing more and more questions to be asked and answered.  

And causing more and more changed 'actions' on my part... like finding the new inner strength to tell my daughter she had to move out by Jan 1st .... finding the strength to preserve what was mine, for myself.   My space.  My home.  My dream of living here by the lake.  

Letting all the feelings come to the surface and allowing myself to look at them honestly... dig down for answers to what created them... why I had them... searching to find my own inner truth of what "my life" definition was, separate and apart from everyone elses lives.   That alone was a deep, deep hole to dig out of...over many years... separating 'me' from everyone else.

And all along the way 'guilt' was the spidery web that kept me bound, limited, locked up, trapped, closed off, .... tied up and imprisoned.   From wayyyy  back in my childhood... when one of my brother's constantly growled at me about what a spoiled child I was, always getting her own way, daddy's little girl.... from a childhood where 'want' was not in the vocabulary.  Ony 'need' was fulfulled.   We got shoes or clothes only because we needed them.   Want/Desire were not things I experienced growing up.   And if I did... and if I got it.. then people didn't like me...

Oh the deep, tangled web we weave in our little minds while growing up... things we don't even realise is happening to us. 

Then along the way to adulthood... marriage, kids... other peoples wants and needs took precedence... were alway more important, more necessary...  so the concept of being 'wrong' to want.. because what I wanted would deny someone else what they wanted... only solidified the internal messages.... wrong to want, bad to want... wrong to get what you want, bad to get what you want.....

"there's no room for me"  became my internal life mantra.   It kept me a small person, hidden away inside, invisible to others on the outside.

Till a few years ago...1998... when I read the book "Simple Abundance" by Sarah Ban Breathnach.   And at the same time I began reading "Journey to the Heart" by Melody Beattie... and my life was changed forever.

Since then "me" began to seep out, as per Sarah's advice I looked for my inner soul.. and satisified it with the 'things' that described my authentic inner self ... till today it takes 2 rooms to hold all the facets of "me" that have come into existence.   Until the last few years, ... all the 'things' that defined me could be kept in just a corner of our bedroom.   "I" didn't take up much room at all. 

And that in itself was creating inner havoc.... I could not hide who the real me was anymore... "I" filled up a whole room, floor to ceiling.. all my books, my crafts, my office supplies, my files, my decorative things.... I could not deny these parts of myself anymore.. and had no idea what to do with them... my desires for art, writing, creativity.... all laid out, exposed... and unused.

So began the search for what was keeping me from going forward with all these things that were bubbling out of me into physical existence.   Yes... I had all kind of craft supplies.   Just never allowed myself to use them.   Yes.. I had all kind of books, knowledge, wisdom, and ideas for writing.   Just never allowed myself to follow through with them...(till this last year when the Victorian Ladies stories started coming out...).    

As soon as I got too close... something inevitably had to be moved, rearranged, changed.. anything... to keep me from actually progressing past a certain point of forward progress with my life.  

And the easiest block-ade of all... someone elses life.   Focus on them instead of self.  Put their needs and wants first.. and shove my own aside... just pile up a few more boxes...leave a few more things unfinished, undone.. and pretty soon, a good sized 'wall' was blocking me from living my own life.   Heck.. how could I... I couldn't get to it anymore.   My life was in a box somewhere.. but heck if I knew which box.  

Amazing how right after we moved here and I got what I wanted, my dream of living by the lake... all of life fell apart.   Physically shut down, wore out from the move, then I put my life and world aside to let daughter move in.   Then shortly after she moved out, and I started going forward again... we got sick.   And every week... something seemed to get in the way of being able to make myself get things done.   I literally had to force myself to allow myself to do the things I needed and wanted to do... to be able to clear a path to be able to get to my future.  

A constant mental and emotional battle was waged every day this past year.   Any progress I made in getting things put up, organized....was followed by days of depression, fatigue.... or something else that conveniently served to make me stop my progress for a time. 

And it was all expertly orchestrated by just one little emotion.

Guilt.

Hidden so deep under other things/emotions that camoufladged it... including the struggle with co-dependency ... that I never noticed it's existence,... till this morning, when after years of undigging other things, one thought led to another, one question led to another, and a memory then triggered the opening of the door of understanding,.. and it was finally exposed and revealed... and I was set free of it... free to walk away from it and disentangle myself from it once and for all.   

So many other times over the years I had feelings of being 'set free' of something... and it always felt good.  

This freedom however is not like anything I've experienced in the past. 

I feel free deep deep inside... at the core of my 'self'.  

So many thoughts and issues this month have been leading me to this place, this moment.... escalating as each day passed and I got closer and closer to the truth that I had been praying so strongly for... knowing only truth would set me free.   And this past week.... as I was forced to get some things done before son and his fiance' got here...  I dug in to do the work... mentally, as each thing came rumbling to the surface and threatened to try to bury me.   I fought.   I cried a few times too.. but through the tears and confusing thoughts and questions... I fought to hear the truth..... no matter what it was going to turn out to be, no matter what pain it may have brought me to... I told God... I wanted the truth. 

The web of guilt tried desperately to weave more things to keep me entangled.   Back and forth I went with different thoughts... accepting, then rejecting... recieving, rejecting....  cutting away each new strand that tried to wrap itself around my brain and keep me from getting to the core truth.  Old thought habits, patterns.... trying to re- record themselves... over new ones I had been developing. 

And through it all... I fought.   Till in the end, the last couple of days things began to come clear to me more quickly... and this morning... break through... as I reached the deeply buried truth.. "I feel guilty when I get what I want."

All the 'why' answers came flooding out.... all the ties of the web were cut... and I am free of that feeling forevermore.

Will it be 100% smooth sailing from here on out.  No.   I have a new skill to develop now.  And it will take some time to strengthen that new level of freedom.   I will be tempted to revert back to being weak.... mostly out of habit.   And I will also have to retrain other thought processes now.  Mostly... I have to learn to form the habit of saying 'yes', instead of no... to myself.  

Without guilt to keep me from getting what I want.... everything takes on a new perspective now.   There will be new answers for why I do, or not do something.   The old reasons no longer apply.... and I have to teach myself not to use them anymore.

Without putting in more details or specifics about all this... it may sound kind of vague to you.   And even though we are private now... other people can get in here on our computer if I forget to take it off my links list that lets them in.    So some things I didn't want to put on here.. and kept it about thoughts and emotions.. without the details.   

It's a long long post...  didn't intend it to be when I started... but the thoughts kept coming out and the fingers kept typing.   It's usually part of the process for me when I'm experiencing breaking through to new truths.

I have to learn what it's like not to let each day be mandated and dictated by guilt. 

I have to learn what it's like to live unhindered, and free... free to enjoy going after and getting what I want in life.... my life.  

After all these years....  I can only smile at the prospect!   Cause right now I sure feel good!

If you took time to read all of this... thank you.   If you have any questions, or ideas... feel free to share them. 

Hugs, Happy Grace