you have no idea how priveledged I felt to read your story. Each word made perfect sense as if our biology was that of kin. Your story altho unique captured every ambivalence I have felt for most of the past ten yrs. I am tempted to say that from the day I was married I thought, can this be right? Altho love was the reason I married, I soon found out that love didnt feel right once I had to submit continuously in order for there to be peace. I have had only a few yrs of contentment and that was when I was having babies and in complete control of my day....until that is , until the car came in the driveway and the kids then must be clean, quiet and well behaved. Still I thought nothing of the long term...I was in it, and in it I WAS..up to my neck with powerlessness and frustration. Since, I have grown in ways that I would not ever exchange. However, I am still tortured by the notion of leaving or staying. I crave solitude. I crave aloneness. I want to feel worthwhile and valid. I have had glimmers of this as I ward of depression with doing service for others with my work and duties at the Red Cross. I stay usually very active and watch the diet as well, but since I succombed to the depression and started a medication I seem to be sinking lower. Less able to feel the fight to find ME. I am in turmoil, just not bothering anyone with my presence...everyone here likes me quieter and less involved. Enough of me....just know that this post and this site has given me hope. Hope that I am not just looking for a greener pasture. Hope that this is not all in my head....hope that I too will embrace the life HE gave me..the gift of LIFE....Thankyou so very very much and please dont every take this thread down. I will read and reread it for a long time to come. Love to you and all who read this with gentle understanding.
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