No... no need for me to rush.  And I do have a whole, whole lot to think about.

 

Let me first explain how the day/night started.   I was on an emotional high from having all the surface anger etc. broken off and being able to once again feel the feeling of love.  And then when the forgiveness also broke though on Tuesday morning .... I really felt the love.  After months, or even over a year of not really feeling it and of having it suppressed, and taken over by other things, it was so exhilarating just to be able to once again feel such a wonderful feeling. 

 

And with him professing the same things... and wanting me again... I felt the need just to be with him, to be held, to experience having someone again, being cared for.  And that's all I wanted...just to be together in that way, that's why I told him there would not be any sex(as in intercourse).

 

He got there at 11:30 pm... and from the very first moment, the very first hug, touch, kiss... it was unreal...unlike anything I had ever experienced.  It wasn't physical... it was spiritual... I called it soul-to-soul.... we just seemed to devour...(not in a lustful way) .. to be on a higher plane.   As I even said to him at one point because I just could not get over the feeling of it...  I didn't feel anything at all between my legs..it wasn't that kind of feeling..it was all in my heart and soul....  I felt high, on a cloud, heady from it.   Magical, fireworks... just ..?.. heck... I can't find the words except to say it was not like to bodies coming together, but two souls coming together.. with the bodies getting in the way.   Of course there was also the other desire at some specific points.. (and more so with him of course).. but it was never uppermost...those feelings were more just the result of all the other ecstatic feelings of finally being together, and being happy again to be together and feeling the love we had lost along the way.  The intensity of it wall was awesome... I never knew anything like that could exist between a man and a woman.  All the fully clothed, non-intercourse feelings experienced were more thrilling than all the times we'd had sex in 30 years.

 

And then... finally, even I could not stand saying no anymore.. after hours of dancing to Dean Martin, and just holding, gazing into each others eyes.... and I was wanting to say yes.  And I just first had to know if he had been with anyone else.   I even told him it didn't matter.. but I just needed to know.  And when he said yes... it didn't really stun me that much.  It did let me down. I had so hoped he was going to say no, but was prepared for a yes answer. 

 

And his having sex with her is not what stopped me from wanting to do it.

 

It was all the other answers he gave me throughout the interrogation.... an example of which is:

 

If I had not asked him, would have told me?  "no"... "but probably yeah, at some point".  alert: willing to hide the truth  

 

So, you didn't like her?  "she's a nice lady"

But, you didn't  like her?... "like I said, she's a nice lady"

But, you DIDN'T LIKE HER... SHE WASN'T SPECIAL?  She wasn't important to you???   "I don't know what you want me to say... I already told you she was a nice lady"   alert: refused to give a direct answer, and did not have the right one to give

 

 

 

You said she was a nice lady... if you had not come back to me do you think there might have been more between you?   "I don't know.... it's a possibility".   alert:  possibly more feelings there then he was willing to let on...and possibly a wrong reason for coming back to me

 

 added alerts:  the things he did NOT say or did not do right...

 

** he did not say... "she was nothing special, did not mean a thing! to me, at all"...  and, he evaded answering other questions in this specific area of what he felt etc.

 

**he did not come clean before I asked him to

 

**he was willing and wanting to use me for sex knowing he had cheated and commited adultery... ( does that translate respect?)

 

**I had to wonder, was he lieing to her when he wrote her that she was special?  

 

 

**he never fought for me from the time this started.  never wanted to fight to keep us together.  never questioned it in any way... but he did enjoy the sex when we had it.

 

I can get over him committing the actual sex act.  

 

It's the other stuff that came out (or didn't come out) during the talks during the night, and the next morning as well.... that has all these walls of "wait" going up.

 

And to be honest... the truth is staring me in the face.... and I know it... I'm just not ready to really accept it yet... not ready to handle the pain of what it will mean to face it and say it and act on it.  

 

But basically....He's got "problems" and I don't know for sure if I am able to spend my life coping with them ... except through prayer for him.   At this point, I know I can't trust him... and so how can I really commit the rest of my life to him.  

 

I do love him.  As I told him... I love the "good" that is in him.   I believe in him, and his ability to work free of the other stuff he needs to get out of him system.   I told him lots of things to try to encourage him not to continue being the person he's been... and to fight for being the better man I know he can be. 

 

I'm on the fence right now.. sitting it out for a while.  

 

I'm not ready to permanently "end it".... and I'm not ready to permanently "commit" either.   I thought I was ready to commit this morning.... thought I could do it... but I can't... gotta have some 'testing' time first.  

 

I'm not "crushed"... not like a school girl, torn apart because her boyfriend cheated on her.   I'm let down. ..and even a little angry....that he did not even have the brains enough to wait it out and NOT have sex.  He said I had told  him he was free to move on, so he felt he didn't have no reason not to....  I told him.. "but  you didn't HAVE to have sex!.. you could have moved on by just DATING!"   ( ..duh!!)

 

 

 

 

The ball is in his court. 

 

If he has any brains at all.. he will bend over backwards to "be the man"... upright, honest... and shower me with gifts and adoration and an assortment and variety of professions of undying love and faithfullness.. and acts showing desire to work at being a better man. 

 

I don't know if it's in him to do that.   It's always about sex with him more than anything else.  I'm willing to give him time to show me.   But I'm not going to "spend" my time hoping and waiting for it to happen.  I'm going to spend my time on me.   I spent 30 years on him.  It's his turn to do the spending in the relationship... if we are to ever really have one.   Only time will tell. 

 

In the meantime... I will pray faithfully for him.   And I will allow myself to continue to feel love for him.   I don't however feel called to be a sacrificial lamb on his behalf.  And I don't feel called to be his saviour either.  Maybe just a helper... to guide him to the direction of wanting to choose the  'better' man to be.   

 

He didn't get his way like in the past.  He didn't get sexually satisfied.  And not getting it is like a new ballgame he's having to play now... and it's strange to him.  We'll see if he stays in the game to learn it, or if he opts to get out of it...and continue in his old ways with someone else.  

 

I knew he'd do it.  And now, with a clear conscience I have biblical grounds for a divorce... if our marriage should really end.   And the thing is.. he didn't have to do it.  He didn't "have" to have sex.  We had just had sex a few days before he did it with her... so he cannot say he was "driven" to be satisfied in sin with another woman because I was not doing my wifely duties.   Heck.. if anything, he could have done a hand job anyway.  

 

Whatever happens... I'll always be grateful for the experience of our wonderful night together.   And, If I should end up marrying someone else some day... I now know exactly what to look for to happen between us.  And I won't settle for less.