My Practice Place

We have split up and gotten back, and to be honest with you, I am scared of doing this again.

Being afraid to me means feeling 'hesitant'... because one is not 'sure' it's what one really and truly wants. Is that what you are really feeling. You are not sure of what you want? Are you doing something you don't really really really want to do?

Robin.. just so you know, I'll be ok if you really don't want me. If it is at all in your mind to do so.... don't be afraid to back out, and don't use fear for my well being as a reason to stay in a relationship with me. I'm a much stronger person now than you realise. Yes I hurt.. but it's part of growing and changing and healing, that's all. And I'm doing that daily.

I have to ask in return...of you are scared.... why did you start pursueing me again? Do you know?

I never asked you to. I kept saying you were free to get on with a new life without me and with other women... or alone. I said good-bye to you over and over.

Yet... at the same time... we were still married... and as my legal and moral husband I had a right to satisify my needs with you...and we enjoyed each other for that.

In doing that, we both always kept the door from being "completely" closed on 'us'.

I am scared of doing this again.

Did you start wanting me back because you really want "me"... or because your life is more empty now and you are lonely and horny and you just really want an easy sex partner?

Did you start wanting me back because you really want "me"... or are you instead walking in fear away from the work it would take to build a new relationship with Marcy or any other woman?

If in truth somewhere you are scared of starting over new with someone else...... I have to also wonder why do you keep coming back to me after you've been with another woman? Why not just keep going.. and walk away completely? Is it them you are really afraid of .. and so you instead always go back to the easy and the comfortable?...me.

If you are scared.. then your fear makes me wonder if maybe you are not yourself 100% sure of what you want and not fully committed to doing whatever it takes to make it work.

I know you. When you want something.. you go after it till you get it. Qustion is... what do you want this time around? Do you want to make me happy this time? Or is it for you a repeat of the past and you are again just out to get for yourself what you want for yourself?

You see by these questions that I too have a lot at risk and a lot to be afraid of in the getting hurt department.

Yet.. here we are again aren't we. But not like in the past, not at all.

I made my choice for myself when I left ... to make changes in my life and in my self to become a different person. I never wanted to be unhappy with you. I only wanted to be happy. I always tried over and over to find ways to make us both happy... and often at my expense.

Here's a list of a few of my sacrifices made for you Robin and for the family...

gave up our home to move to Colorado, because it's what you said you needed.

gave up our home to move back to Texas, because it's what you said you needed.

we lived in the back of a church and a trailer... till you figured out what you needed.

we lived with your parents, you and I in the livingroom waiting for you to figure out what you needed

gave up my red car so you could have a truck, because it's what you said you needed.

gave up my joy living in Austin to be with you, because you needed to work at Clute again.

gave up my part of my life for Shanna to help her with her marriage to Josh.

gave up part of my life and space for Ethan so he'd have a place in our apartment.

gave up part of my life and space for Shanna and Ethan again so they had a place to stay when she left Josh.

gave up my joy living by the lake, to get your mom's house, because I knew it was what you needed and wanted....

big, life-changing sacrifices Robin.

all done in the seeking of some form of happiness for others.

And you say you are scared?

Every time I went back to you in faith of us being able to be happy together as a couple ... as you said, I ended up hurting and losing out in one way or another.

Living with you, trying to make you happy, trying to make the kids happy and secure.... seemed to always cost me something in some way. And I paid the price willingly.... because I thought that was what people were supposed to do in a marriage and in a family.

I kept waiting to be the one on the receiving end... but it never seemed to be my turn. For some reason none of you usually felt compelled to actively seek to make me happy in the same way I always sought to make all of you happy. Not as much or as often as I needed that is.

When I left the house it was because my giving container had run out, empty, down to nothing. I was dead inside.. mostly because I never gave to myself, and no one else was giving to me either.

is this a repeat of the past, or really new, something that YOU want to do.

Do you mean, Am I giving in to you... going along with what you want just because you want it?

If I was still that kind of person, we would have definitely had a different kind of night when you were here... wouldn't we?

I think I proved to you that I have a stronger mind of my own now and that I will do what I want.. for me.... and I also will not do what I don't want to do.

No... this time around is definitely not a repeat of the past. I no longer live "through" your wants and needs. I live through my own now.

And I'm no longer into sacrificing my joy and happiness in the process of making someone else happy. My own happiness will stay intact.. along WITH making someone else happy.

I'm out to be happy... no less.

Being loved by you... when you take time to do it, show it, express it.. makes me happy, very happy. That's what I keep letting back into my life again each time we break up and get back together. The good things you can make me feel.

is this a repeat of the past?

Again... no, this is not a repeat of the past, because Robin, this time around... it will not be all about you.

And that was the main thing I always did wrong in our marriage... I let it be all about you... and you never thought to make it about me either. Each time we got back together it always started out good... but every time, after a while... everything always started slipping back to being only and mostly all about you.

Everything about our life always slipped into being uppermost and foremost about you. We even had nothing to talk about.. except your job, your schedule, your wants and needs... wether it was clothes or whatever.

You seldom if ever paid any interest in me Robin. Except of course ... when you needed you know what. Or needed affection, attention, comforting, nursing, or whatever. Then, I was the center of your attention. And afterwards... I was as I told you before.. .much like your guitar... relagated to the closet of your mind till you were in the mood to play me again.

And you say you are scared?

is this a repeat of the past

No way... because I'm done with the past. Done with our old marriage. And done with my allowing myself to be treated the way I allowed myself to be treated in the past. I'm responsible for me. I do know that.

The kind of person you have been married to for the past 30 years Robin is gone... she does not exist. This Girl will not collect dust in anyone's closet ever again. I'm out to enjoy life, get involved with a larger world of more people, and be happy. And I'm no longer going to wait till someone else says it's time for me to play and be paid attention to. I decide that for myself now.

No, the past cannot be repeated.. because it's dead and buried.

The only thing still alive... is the love.

Kind of like in the movie Never Ending Story. The Nothing blew away Fantasia Land...except for a small handful of the last remaining embers of it's life.

That's what you have in your hands now Robin.

Just like the girl in the movie held the particles of life in her hand... and reached out to the littel boy.. seeking him to believe enough to do what it would take.. to bring it all back to life. I have given you the last remaining embers of my love for you.

What you choose to do with it... remains to be seen, and how you treat me and my love will decide the fate of 'us'.

I've got my life, I've got my goals and plans. I won't lose any of it one way or another.. with or without you. For I will not lay myself or my life on the sacrificing table anymore. Sacrificing, doing without, giving up parts of my life and my self .without getting something in return ... for the last time.

And I'm the one who is responsible for giving to myself what I need.

And I now know I don't have to do without getting my needs met if someone else isn't meeting them. I'm free to get them met myself, one way or another.

I no longer will be fully dependent on anyone else. That was my mistake I made. I cost myself my own life. I'm not blaming you at all.

is this a repeat of the past?

to the extent of loving you enough to try yet again, yes, that part alone is being repeated.

It does not hurt to try. We don't get anything in life without at least being willing to try.

I said to you early in the very beginning that I knew we never made it past the sixth month and that we needed to give us time to go through all the up and down, back and forth emotions of doing this.

February is that sixth month... this is always when we got back together.

We are in that "pulling back" stage that we've always gone through in the past.

I've been watching for it. I've been waiting for it to happen. I've been preparing myself for it.... building up my mental defenses and my mental and emotional strength... by deleting old thought habits.. and being ready to think and react differently.

This time it's different... I'm not packing up and running back to live with you.

This time it's different... I'm not running away from the work of doing what it takes to stand on my own two feet.

This time it's different... I'm not giving up on myself.

This time it's different... I'm not going to give up and I'm not going to do without the things, or the home, or the lifestyle that makes me happy. I'm staying in Columbus.

I do love you, and I want you as my wife, but is this a repeat of the past

No.

Right now, we're only beginning to do the work on it, that's all.

Until we go through the work and even see if it's really doable.. the future of our marriage is not a 100% done deal.

We still may in time one or both of us decide it's just not what one or both of us really wants.

And that's ok.

The only thing that is 100% right now is that I'm willing to be happily married to you... if we can achieve that.

If it is to be that way... it will be up to you and the effort you decide you are willing to put into it this time.

I've put in my time and effort more than 100% in many ways. And I've done without a whole lot...mostly my "self". And that was my doing, and my mistake. I'm not doing without my self anymore. I won't allow myself to be invisible anymore and be overshadowed by someone elses life and world and choices.

I want to enjoy sharing a happy marriage relationship with you. However, if we can't be happy together Robin ... I'm going to be happy anyway.. because I'll make sure I'm happy. I owe myself that.

We are so good together when we are both happy. That's what keeps pulling me back into your life and your arms.

Also, am I supposed to measure up to your "list".

The list is mine. And so the choice to decide wether or not to accept the areas my husband does not cover is mine.

So no.. you are not supposed to measure up to my list. Compromises are part of a good and balanced partnership. I'm willing to work and compromise and rewrite certain things if needed.

If I had a ton of things on a list that were absolutely and totally essential to my being happy in a marriage.. and the man I was considering or a husband did not meet them... I simply would not even consider being married to him.

A wish list.. and an essential list are two different things. I'm new at making the list.. and it's not complete yet. I form it as something pops into my head.

Example: I wish my husband loved Italian food. And I wish he liked lasagne so I could enjoy cooking it and we could enjoy eating it together.

But it's not 'essential' to my being happy in the marrige. I can still eat and enjoy it anyway. His not liking it does not deprive me of this thing that makes me happy.

However, the choice to decide to try to be what's on the list.. is yours Robin..

So, I will in time continue to add to the list.. and let you know what's on the list so that you can be a partner in our work to create a happy marriage... by deciding for yourself what you can and are willing to do.. and what you are not willing to do.

Example: (and this is not all an accustion towards you) I've come to really enjoy that while living alone I never once have had to turn off my music because someone else walked in the door. I don't want that to be stopped just because I'm married and living with someone else.

Essential: I decided I want to allow myself to be free to enjoy my kind of music without the music being criticised, without derogatory remarks being made about the music, and without my feeling the need to turn it off when my husband gets home just because it's not what he wants to hear... and to allow myself to be able to listen to it without fear of his putting me down personally by asking questions such as... "how can you listen to that garbage"

This is an example of an 'essential' to my being happy when living with someone else. The enjoyment of music, and freedom to enjoy it unrestricted.

I restricted myself horribly in the past. And I can't do that to myself anymore.

Essential: I want a husband who wants me to feel free to let myself be free to be me.. and loves the 'me' I am... and who actually knows me.

Essential: I want a husband who loves to dance.. with me... and is willing to take dance lessons if necessary so we can enjoy different kinds of dancing.

I need dancing and live music in my life. I have to have a partner to enjoy that with... and prefer it be my husband. If not.. I want freedom to dance with other men if he doesn't want to do it. I need dancing. I want dancing.

How's the list looking to you so far?

I'm willing to work at this... talk things out... learn ways to make changes to make both of us happy.

I have to be happy too in the marriage this time Robin... I have to be free to enjoy things that make me happy.. and I want my husband to enjoy at least some of the same things I do.

We've not done much of that one for the other... shared joyful interests...and that's part of what's been missing I think.

Keep communicating with me. And we need total honesty ... we can't make it without it. That's a big essential to a successful marriage...honest communication.

And it's essential to a successful and friendly break-up if that's what we should for whatever reason end up doing later.

I beg of you.. don't pursue me, don't keep after me, don't keep this going, if you don't really want this 100%.. if there's the least bit of doubt in your mind about just trying to see if we can make it work.

Please... be 100% honest with yourself about why you think you do want me back... after not being happy with me, and not wanting me for a while now.

And if you can be happier with someone else... I want you to be.

Don't settle for less, for the wrong reasons. I value myself too much to be second best to you or anyone.

If you should feel the need to, It's ok to say you made a mistake.. and that you don't want to go through this again. I'm not going to fall apart. I have my life here, I have a happy home, I have new friendships forming.

Don't YOU make a repeat of your past wrong choices either... (as you are asking if I am doing.) Don't fall into an old 'habit'.... of coming back to me for the wrong reasons.

If you should find you really want out... t hen go all the way out.. and lets be good friends at the very least. I can handle that. I'm strong enough... and I love you enough to let you go.

There's no "rush" about any of this.

We can take our time with this.... talking it out.. and dating each other and seeing where it leads.

We are commiting for now just to "try" is how I see it.

We are not at this point committing to "stay permanently". So we each still have walking papers... until we know for sure 100% this is what we both 100% want. At least that's how I see it.

Does that help take the fear away...?

Love, Laurie

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