Ok..... it's time for an emotional update.....
(and I need to just get some stuff out... you don't have to read if you don't want to..
)
I'm in a very scary place.... the place where I will feel the worst emotional pain of anything I have felt so far... and what I've already felt...felt like it would cut me in two at the time.
I know it's been difficult to understand my going on about loving him. At times I've had trouble understanding it myself... yet, the feeling of love is real.
However.... another feeling is starting to come to the surface.. and it makes me understand why I clung so desperately to the love side of my emotions.
Feeling the love, focusing on just the love... kept me safe from the anger I feel. And the anger is starting to push it's way up to be acknowledged... and it frightens me. I can get really violent when I'm angry.... I can get evil when I'm angry. At least, I have in the past. Having gone through some more of the process of becoming more mature..... maybe I'll be able to handle the expression of the anger in a more mature way as well... without going off the deep end.
A few times in the last week I started to think down a certain line of thinking about him and his character and how I was or was not treated by him.... and when I do that, something in me goes into panic mode, and I start almost hyperventilating.... and force myself to switch my train of thought to a different path. I hyperventilate because I sense the anger... and feel it creeping out gradually. And it scares me.
Part of me does not know if I will be able to survive to really really REALLY face the "ugly" truths about him.... the un-watered down truths, without the sugar coating I give them with my own self-recriminations.
I keep thinking if he had just at least waited a few months, and until after the divorce was final to start dating around and get serious "later"..... maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much. I just keep going back to the one repetitive thought..... of how quickly he was willing and able to completely get over our years together. Ending it isn't the painful part.... I could handle that fine if it was done in a normal way. It's his fast willingness to feel that love that was for me, for someone else. It's the fast ability to quickly be completely over me, over us, and to have moved on.
I keep wanting to take it "personal".... and yet I k now it is not a personal definition of me. It really is only a definition of him. Yet the pull is there to do it anyway.
Because it hurts so much.... worse than anything else he's ever done that hurt me in our years together. And worse than any pain I have felt in all of this so far.
I'm fighting with everything I have inside me to stay 'nice', to stay a 'lady'... and to not allow myself to be or to play the 'victim'.
And it's easiest to do that if I focus on loving him.
When the anger starts coming out.... I think all kinds of horrible and sometimes vile thoughts. And I have to force myself to say "no" to them, and shut them off and refuse to be that kind of person. In the beginning, I even had thoughts of killing them.... just like we see on the news all the time. And what amazed me about that particular thought at the time was how normal and easy it seemed to be able to do. No rage. No anger. Just the feeling it was justified. And I had no qualms at all at the time about doing it.
All these years of hearing reports on the news of those kind of things I never could comprehend what would make a person do such a thing. Now I know. Emotions can be very very dangerous. Something in the brain really does 'snap' when those kind of thoughts take hold. There is this coldness... a total lack of feeling, a lack of emotion. It would seem that it was out-of-control rage that leads a person to do a killing of that kind. I found out it is the exact opposite. It's when the pain gets so intense that all emotion is shut down... that the darkest thoughts come to the surface.
So that is why I am afraid of the anger. Yet, I know I must feel it, and release it out of my system for true and complete healing to take place.
The other safety valve I have is directing the anger towards myself... focus on all the things I did wrong, and not the things he did wrong. Let myself take all the blame, bear all the weight of being wrong, doing wrong, and of being totally at fault for his finding someone else to be happy and in love with... instead of me. Making myself the bad guy defuses the anger... waters it down... and turns it into feelings of guilt and shame instead of anger. Those emotions are easier to control and easier to handle and deal with.
A woman can only bear so much pain though.... and carrying the full weight of the pain of the end of the marriage....on my own shoulders only... is not good, is not right, and is not healthy.
So... that leaves only one thing left..... face the ugly truths I've avoided till now... and feel the ugly anger I've avoided till now.
And he's making it easier to do with each passing day and week.
He's started sleeping over-night at her house this week .... and is getting to be 'family' with her kids. That makes me angry.
However, the anger really started coming out on Mother's Day.
He called to wish me happy M.D... and in the conversation I asked if she had any kids... because our kids will have to get used to having step brothers or sisters.
Come to find out that her oldest, a daughter, is the same age as my daugther..... and she has an older boyfriend that knows my son and my son's friends.
That made me see red big time.
It was painful enough to lose my husband to her.
But knowing she was also connected to my son's life... and another part of my personal life.... about killed me inside and I fell apart pretty bad for a while.
I felt like I was losing "everything"... and not just a husband. I felt like she was taking even more of my life... and not just my husband.
And that day, something in me... died. It was the fight to hold on to loving him that began to die... and anger found an open doorway. Ever since then... it's been fighting to come all the way out.
I have no words to explain the depth of emotion that came from knowing she "has" another part of my life... through my son's friend. It kills me. I always had a special place in my heart for this particular friend of my son's.... they were in a band together for years. And I have lots of wonderful memories and feelings about that time in my son's life. I don't want to have to share that with her too! I told my son about it and he said he does not really even have much to do with that friend anymore.... implying it's no big deal. But that's not the issue for me. It's just her being "connected" to yet another part of MY family and my life that just makes me feel "threatened" in some way.
And I know the solution. I know the answer. Let go, and get my own new life. Believe me... I know that is what I need to do, and it's what I want to do.
And it's what I will do... after I get moved, and after the divorce is final and our ties are permanently cut... and I am then legally, as well as morally and biblicall free of the marriage.
In the meantime..... I have to stop running away from the ugly truths... and face reality, and live in reality.... and let the anger be felt, expressed, and released out of me.
Jeni.... I'm sure going to have a good use of my time alone in the car for the 20+ hours on the way to your house. I should just about have it all out by then... you reckon??? 
I may not be able to talk too much when I first get there... I may be hoarse from screeming out my anger for a 1000 miles or so. 
In the meantime.... I'll just have to keep it under control for a little bit longer.
And do a whole lot of journaling and praying...
. And get to a councilor soon... because I need some professional help with this. I also saw in todays paper dwon there that there is a support group for people separated and divorced. So I'll be checking into that.
I'll survive. I'm determined to survive. I just was not at all prepared for it to be the way it's been. Spending time with Ethan and my daughter is going to be my main life-lines.. until I get more of my own life going. Thoughts of Ethan spending the night with me, and my taking him to the beach is what I hold desperately to.... as a life-line to "happy".
Robin wants us to be "friends"... but for me, that's not going to really be possible after the divorce is legally final. Because I know he only wants to be friends... so that he comes across as still being the 'good guy'. He does not at all like to be 'wrong'. And so he's flying high emotionally right now.... no attacks from a crazy x-wife.. and nothing for him to feel guilty or bad about... he's just "Mr. Wonderful" all around in everyones eyes... especially his own, because he's being so nice to me... that makes him a "good guy".
Ok... I've rambled enough!...
... I'm going all over the place now. I do believe I need to get to bed.
At least I'm not feeling the anger threatening me anymore.... I've talked it out of my system... this time..
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