thoughts of today
nate and i just stayed in yesterday,too dangerous for us to go out, we played around,lol. ate and slept,
he watched t.v. i worked on graphics,
he hates to go out to the docs in this heat, he went saturday they removed the packing,and he has to go back today, and they said if they did not get it all,they would have to go back in today, he told me to stay home today cause it is so bad out there and i am haveing a bad time of it, but that they might call me and tell me he has cracked and raiseing hell down there,lol. bless his heart he is dreading going in today,
he wants to take me home,and me go on oxygen, he says he is getting scared for me,he can not understand oxygen will not help me right now, i tried to explain to him this morning, if there is no place for the oxygen to go, it can not help. it does not help breathing. i need the passages to my lungs open,
and more space inside the lungs to receive the air, which i don't have.
but i most likely will be going home soon, to take away his fear that i will die on him, i know he can not take that again,
he says he will not live if i die, that he will go with me,but he will live,but i do believe he will shut down, he has this odd way of shutting off his mind to the world. we all survive in our own way.
i know the man loves me as much as he can love, he slipped up the other day,he had a bad dream,and he was fighting me, i called his name, and he grabbed my head, and i called again and woke him,
he held me and apologized over and over, he said i can not believe i tried to hurt the only woman i ever loved. he did not hurt me, i woke him before he was about to shove my head through the wall,lol.
but he said the only woman i ever loved, so maybe alot of fears i had was not from him loving her so much, but instead guilt from not loving her enough,
but it does not manner now,he coming into my life has made me see many things about myself, made me see how strong i am,how much love i had in me to give, what is important in life, and what is just useful, i wish i had a longer life with him,and healthy, i am sure we would share many thing and much laughter togeather, we are so alike in many ways, enjoy the same things,he has taught me so much,about love,making love,throwing out old things that troubles us, reconizing things that is important to each of us, and i think i have taught him somethings as well.
i know meeting nate has kept me alive, just the fighting to get my love has kept me going this long
my only regret is i was not young enough or live long enough to hear him say, he would be honered to have me as his wife, we don't have to get married, just to know he loved me enough and proud of me enough to want to give me his name, i know i would be the proudest woman on earth if i was Mrs.Blackwell.
Nate has been changeing, because of our prayers
and i am so thankful for that, he is so thoughful of my needs now,
i know when i die he will be my last living thought,
my children i think of all the time, they will be in my mind, cindy more so, but how can i say this, nate has become a part of my soul, when my soul leaves, every thought,every word we said, every bit of love we have ,every hug,every gesture is going with my soul, and my memories of my children will go with me, how happy my soul will be.
i don't want anyone to be sad that i am gone,i am going happy wheather its today,or another year from now. well i started to reply on weekday, but i rambled on, so brought it over here and stached it in here.
i will print this up later, to be added to my memories, to leave cindy,
there may be stuff in here that will help her over the years, who knows,later, i hope
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