Thanks everyone. I'm considering every word of every post.

The thing is, my opinions of all this are moving around since the divorce. Before the divorce - it was black and white for me. I was married, I cut off all thoughts and feelings of other men - and wished for the same from my spouse (didn't get that, though). During that horrible two years of divorcing, I thought all cheaters and all OW or OM or whatever were the scum of the earth, destroyers of children, etc.

 

Now, I think of how many years I stayed in a marriage that was killing me and wonder if I'd just allowed myself to be friends with a man who was kind (I had some opportunities - but ran for the hills from them.) I might have realized that it was possible to leave and that I was lovable and that it was possible that marriage did not have to include abuse for me. I see him in the same boat with his wife - same kinds of manipulations, mind games, selfishnesses, she uses the kids as tools against him, etc. But, he's hanging in there because it's the right thing to do, because he doesn't want to disrupt his kids' lives, because he promised. Because divorce would be a huge mess. Because he likes being married and does not want to be alone. For the first two years we wrote, I told him divorce is hell, avoid it at all costs. And I kept him abreast of every single misery divorce brings to the kids, to your life, etc. But, it did bring some relief and some freedom and unexpectedly, a lot of happiness. Instead of wrecking my kids, they are more stable and happy and secure.

So, I can't be totally against divorce in all honesty anymore. Sometimes, it's the most healthy thing you can do for yourself and your kids.

 

I have worried about the emotional affair part for the past two years which is when I first heard of such a thing. Where is the line on that? It is so not fair that for 23 years, I wanted to feel emotional closeness with my husband and tried every way I could, but did not. And here, without effort, I feel it for someone who is offlimits. I have tried to limit our conversations to my life or to encouraging him in his where he is - bloom where we are each planted. But,  he is comforting to me and that is so rare that I'm afraid to throw it out.