So many good questions, difficult if not impossible to answer--I have a 20-year-old son and a 17-year-old daughter, who has chosen to live with her dad this Senior year of high school.  I'm sure he took her so that he wouldn't have to pay me child support.  I was a stay-at-home mom for 16 years, until I realized what was going on in our marriage and that I would need to support myself.  But your daughter sounds very much like mine, totally focused only on herself, not caring about other people.  And her dad lets her be like that.  He demands nothing of her, lets her do whatever she wants, lets her go wherever she wants, and is more concerned about being a friend than a father.  Bad news for a teenager.  But I do believe that Ns "love" their children as much as they can love anyone.  I don't think it's love in the normal sense of the word.  I think they care about their children, but they care more about themselves.  So, is that love?  No, not really, but I think it's the best they can do.  If my children realize this, I hope it will not destroy them.  If I see them starting down that path to self-destruction, I would at that point, talk to them about it if they would talk to me.  Right now, my daughter has great disdain for me, I think because her dad told them that it was my fault, that I broke the family apart, because I am the one who filed for divorce, after he had been gone from the house for two years, and after my becoming very ill, and after he had many affairs, and after he took all the money.  I did not tell my children those things.  Maybe I should; I don't know.  I just know that it would cause them further pain.  But if they ever do want to know the truth, I would tell them.  I think they have to want to know, though, and be willing to face it.  I don't think it's wise to force the truth on them if they don't want to know.  Will it destroy them to learn about their dad?  I hope that after the initial devastation, that they can come to peace, knowing that it is not that they are unloveable; it is that their father is not capable.  I hope that my unconditional love for them will be enough for them to realize that their father is damaged, that they (the children) are NOT their father, they have the capacity to love and they are deserving of love.   If they will not listen, or will not hear, I don't know what else a mother can do, other than to always be there for them if they should come around.  I would not put myself in a position to be abused by my daughter, if she turns out to be like her father.  Nobody deserves to be treated like that.  It sounds like you are doing all that you possibly can for your daughter.  We can not change who they are, even as much as we love them, we cannot change them.  It's hard to accept that.  But I would encourage you to let it go until she reaches out for you, and be there at that point.  If she never does, it's very sad, but you can't let it ruin your life.  You gave her life and love; it's up to her what she does with it.  I just finished a book called "Leota's Garden".  It's a Christian book, about a woman in her 80's who is dying, whose daughter always seemed to hate her.  There were family dynamics and misunderstandings.  The older lady dies, but in her last years, she finds peace in her daughter's daughter, who takes care of her.  It gave me hope that, even though life can be so painful at times, we can still find love and beauty in unexpected places.  I wish you peace.

Rebecca