Hi Notsofoolishnow...

 

Your comments about "mirroring" have been with me a lot since I read

them...

 

As I become more "me".... I sometimes wonder how not to fall into the trap of

being "played" again... sucked into something by someone wonderfully meeting

my needs.   (and I wonder, what are my needs???).

 

And the mirroring aspect gave me some clues of what a n does to us.

I'm sure it's probably been written about on here elsewhere.. but, I'm just

now "getting it" on this thread with everyones combined input.

 

Could this be how it goes down with them....

 

We have the unmet need... and they somehow find it, and zero in on

it.   We don't even see it in ourselves... but, they mirror it back to us.

Then, we "feel" the need being met.... and we fall in love with that

aspect of the n.... who "seems" to be meeting our needs, but in reality,

is just creating a false mirage... reflecting back to us a part of ourselves

we don't even know exists... we just see it 'in them'....  and then they

take it away.... and in the process we are really losing part of our 'self',

because our 'self' is who they were mirroring.

 

Then, to make it the absolute worst.... we find out about narcissism,

and not only does the discovery of 'what' we've been with cause us to

 find out about those needy parts of our own self in a most painful

way... we also find out that what we thought was real... the n... is in

fact a hollow, empty, false,  nothing.  

 

We lose twice, we lose them, and we lose that

part of ourself that was being fed through them.

 

If I ever should date again.... (and I want to, I just don't think the

prospect of it is likely at my age).... I have decided I will be on

high alert for "mirroring".....  

 

I want to be the one to first know my own needs.   I don't want them to be

'mysteriously' found and met by someone else, thereby making

him out to be a wonderful Knight on a White Horse... rescueing me,

 

I want to really, really know myself... as completely as is humanly

possible.  

 

I've been discovering my strengths pretty fast in the last few months.

 

My xnh husband "thought" I was a needy, weak single mom back in 1975.

 

I was, to a degree.   The thing is... I was that way only because I had not

yet had a chance to fully bloom and allow my true strengths to come out

and be known and used.    I'm finding out more and more that I really  am

a very very strong person.   For real... not just in my head, not just as a

dream of "I'd like to be".   I am. 

 

I didn't know who I really was back then.   That's why I was so willing

to believe what he mirrored back to me.... my 'neediness'... my need for

him.   And my true inner strength that was there all  along, is why I was

so confused for most of our marriage.   I didn't know what was real and

what was false.  Was my weakness real?  Or was the strengths that kept

trying to come out my real self?   The strengths he tried over and over to

shut down and destroy... and make me feel bad about.

 

The reality of my true strengths came to me full force just recently.

 

Someone on another group discussion about a sport coach as a possible

husband, desribed them this way..  that some women like a husband who ....

 

• takes charge
• gets things done
• is organized
• plans things out
• accepts responsibility
• is good delegating authority
• can handle pressure
• can bounce back from difficulties
• others look up to
• works long hours

 

I looked at his list.. and sat in shock as I saw my SELF....

and thought to myself... omgosh... that's me, I'm all those things...

 

( which I've been able to see now, after working for the last

 

And I also suddenly realised why my xnh husband grew less and less

capable of being with me as my strengths had started to come to the

surface the last 3 to 4 years of our marriage. 

 

He didn't see the real me in the beginning of our relationship... so he

didn't really mirror the true me...  which had not come into existence

yet at that point in my life...and after all those years of battles of will,

when the real me didn't fall in line with  his mirroring attempts,

the mirror shattered into a million little pieces.  

 

And the spell was broken.  

 

I just then had to separate the broken pieces...the lies, from the

truth... and focus on only putting back together what was true,

about me.

 

We all have needs.   And some needs are truly best met by

someone elses love and care,.. and by having strengths to share

between the two people.  

 

I don't want any false mirrors creating false images for me to

be taken in by.   And my strengths will always ALSO be a part of

the whole picture being created. 

 

Thanks NSFN for giving me so much to think about, and some more truths

to get figured out...  Hugs, GS