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General : MISCELLANEOUS posts I wanted to save...
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 Message 15 of 182 in Discussion 
From: MSN NicknameGrace·  in response to Message 1Sent: 2/21/2005 8:48 PM
From: Grace Sent: 11/4/2004 6:48 PM
Hello all.... one last post.    Mags... I had indeed unjoined already, but just a few minutes ago I rememered I had been on here twice as a member......  so one of me was gone, while the other was still here.  
 
I came by just now because I needed to get a copy of my last story I had written.   I had edited from the origional I had written on my storage place... and in a panic I thought I had lost the re-written version because the other board I shared it on was locked!   I was so, so glad this place wasn't locked so I could get it to send to a friend.  
 
I do so appreciate all the kind words and requests to stay.   And I'm sorry for such a sudden leaving.... and no, nothing 'nasty' was ever said anywhere.. I promise.  
 
Honestly,  I have been pretty stressed out since our move to this smaller apt, and was just getting kind of back to my old self when our daughter and grandson moved in a month ago.   Their being here has delayed further my desire to get boxes empty and things organized... because they are sleeping in the livingroom... and there is too much stuff here, and not enough room to spread anything out to be able to then go back and fill in with shelves or storage to then empty the contents of the boxes onto...lol.
 
I've tried my best to hold myself together the last month during this time of giving up even more of my 'self', my 'space' and 'my' time....to be there for my family.... and by the grace of God, I've done pretty darn good...lol.   But some days, just barely!   
 
This whole situation has had me doing lots of questioning about my self, my life choices, my life desires... etc etc.  For one thing I've had to admit there is a part of me that just really really does not like being with people all the time!   But then... what do I do with this information?  How do I give myself what I need, time alone...time to be free... and yet still stay married, and stay a good mother and grandmother... is it even possible?...how do I balance my needs, with my responsibilities?...  no matter how wonderful my husband is, which is pretty darn wonderful... am I maybe just not cut from the cloth of being a married person?... are thoughts like that utterly selfish of me to have?.....  So many many MANY questions have been going through my heart and mind since daughter moved in.... as I've watched her living the free life part of me so greatly desires and craves.   
 
It was a very very big step for me just to give up having my own bedroom when we moved into this smaller apartment.   But to then soon loose even more of my private, alone time because of 2 more people living here.... has been kind of like going to a physical therapist and wanting to say... 'enough already'... that's enough healing work!....lol.  Yet.. as I've stated before on here....  I'm also learning I know I do need to change and give up some of my past ways, to grow to the better person I can be... if I'm willing.   Right now... it's all just still new and confusing....  and a struggle to complete the changes within myself being required, needed, and asked of me.... So much of me wants to, and yet the pull is there of the other parts of me still questioning, resisting.  
 
The need to be more focused on home/life issues... while some decisions are being cast into concrete ... is why I needed to not allow myself to 'escape' to group boards.   To do the work properly, that I need to do... I need to be in the present moment 'here'.... and not escaping into other worlds and lives in groups.   At least for now.   I've always, always had a means of escape, of running away, of avoiding something I didn't want to face or do... an ability to put things off until 'tomorrow'.   I can't put my life off anymore.  I'll be 53 this January.... time is on the 'running out' side now... dwindling down more as each day passes.   I don't have time to spare to be putting it off anymore.
 
And while groups have been a wonderful place to escape "to"... they have also been such fulfilling places as I was exposed to so many kind, wonderful people from all over the world!   Such a fantastic medium to communicate through.  Despite MSN's most aggravating days... I'm so grateful to have been a part of it all... and so blessed by what I received and learned from so many people.   Whatever part of me may be better today.... it is through the wonderful examples of the nice, kind, giving, generous, forgiving, and loving people I've interracted with in groups.    
 
I've got to go.... Husband just came home with some possible very bad news about a bad check from 2 years ago involving our daughter.... a great shock to us if it is true... can't share any more details than that....  suffice it to say... if it's as bad as it looks... I really really will not have time for groups at all.   Pray pray pray..... this has to be a big mistake in some way or I will be shocked out of my mind and heart and may not be able to handle this well at all...
 
Thank you for your kindness and friendships...
Grace