A student on a class trip to the natural-history museum asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard tells him, "Three-million-four years and six months old."

The student says. "How do you know that so precisely?"

The guard says, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

Northern Light

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. For his part What did the bald man say when he was given a comb for his birthday?" "Oh, thank you! I'll never part with it!" How You Made Money A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37." "And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked. "Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars." Feeding Fur A father was playing with his daughter when the little one said: "Dad, I read in school that animals get a new fur coat every winter." "Quiet!" retorted the father. "Your mother is in the next room!" String Cheese A string walks into bar and asks for a rum and a cola. But the bartender says, "There is no strings allowed in here!" So he goes into the bathroom and ties himself into a knot and frays himself at the ends. Then he walks back out and asks for a rum and a cola. The bartender asks, "Weren't you just the string that walked in here?" "No," he says, "I'm a frayed knot!" Getting Into Fights A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?" "Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."