(1). An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone
in this
>Congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the
Ku Klux Klan.
>
>This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian
community cannot
>tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to
accept this. Now, I
>want the party who did this to stand and ask
forgiveness from God and
>this Christian family."
>
>No one moved.
>
>The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to
face me and admit
>this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven
and in your heart
>you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your
transgression."
>
>Again all was quiet.
>
>Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body
that would stop
>traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed
and her voice
>quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a
terrible
>misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of
the Ku Klux
>Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you
were a wizard
>under the sheets."
>
>The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared! =

(2). JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBER
>>>
>
>>>Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
>>>
>>>Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".
>>>
>>>Blonde Caller: "On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states
>>>that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
>>>telephone Jack before cleaning.
>>>
>>>Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

(3). A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and
finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice
restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on
the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded
spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to
reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin
and wants to stay that way.

"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to
shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"

She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking
it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his
eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of
his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!"

(4). An elderly couple, Ray and Louise, are "seniors" in Montana. Ray always
wanted a pair of cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he
buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house
and says to his wife: "notice anything different about me?"

Louise looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a
little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Louise looks up and says, "Ray, what's different: It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN,
LOUISE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!!!!!

To which Louise replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. You shoulda bought a
hat