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We decided yesterday we would go to Oz for a month next winter, I txted my daughter to tell her, she replied saying, might be a drama, but theres room at Stevens (my son there)

I have to put this in the right place for me.
This happened when I discovered that he (the man) was bashing Trude.

That he had broken her ribs, and hospitalised her, this was a common occurrence in those days.

She took me to some friends of hers, her and bob were split up, she had just got out of hosp with the broken ribs, as we pulled in the drive she said, Bob will be here, he lives with these people. Then, while Im still in shock at the situation, seconds later, shes introducing me sweetly to the man who has beaten her several times!! All I wanted to do was bash the shit out of him.

Over the next couple of years, he accused me of ringing a friend of theirs and finding out what was happenning tween them, I wasnt doing anything at all. Though I had the friends ph number, Trude gave it to me in case I needed to get hold of her urgently, they had no phone. The next time I went to visit them, Bob picked me and Karn up at the airport, on his own, and on the way back to their place, insisted I apologise to Trude for hurting her and if I didnt, I had to go. As soon as I could, I had a talk to Trude, she said to me .. ohh dont worry bout it, hes just being an arsehole.

That was about a year before a xmas day when she rang and he told me that I wouldnt see her or the kids again .. 1996 it took me about 8 years to have some contact with her again.

So I see this as being ME who is the baddie, and its cos he knows what he did, he carries the shame, I dont, thats why he cant face me. To protect himself, he refuses to allow me to face him again. And you know what, if thats how he feels, its not ME hes hurting, hes hurting his woman he loves and the children he loves.

SO .. what do I do about this, how do I put it right in my head??

Leigh, there has to be a reason she stays with him? If your daughter wants to see you then do it on her terms, it is not worth the fight and you might not ever see her again. Is he still hurting her???

Now the old me would punch his &*(&(&(&(* lights out. The new me would just have to back off. You you upset him in anyway it is your daughter that will pay.

Try talking to him about the kids etc and not about anything he has done.

You have contact and you cannot do or say anything that will make you lose this. I don't think there is alot you can do. He seems a totall wanker, but because you daughter chosses to stay with him you have to be carefull.

Cant add much. You've seen what will happen if you have a go at either of them - you will lose contact again.

The Handbrake was used as a punch-bag by her ex and I dealt with so many in my time in my career, so I am aware of the reasons why women stay [and men, for that matter] in an abusive relationship. The thing is, its their relationship and all you can do is be there for her when it turns to acid

You know what? I knew youd say that, both of you, anyone.

Cos its right, its what Ive been doing.

I guess I needed some support for what Im doing, its like, nothing is working, nothing I do changes things, which brought me back to what I said to Heinz this morning. That I have to remember WHY his and my relationship is the way it is.

Her younger brother, younger by 11 months, said this to me today

This is all about 'circle of influence'.

Dont upset yourself about something you cant change ... this is out side your circle of influence (Only just though)

This is Trudys issue not yours .... How old is she? 38?

I know you care for her but shes big enough and ......

Yeah hes a shit ... maybe Trudy likes a control freak.

But PLSE dont worry yourself about your other adults decisions in life ... we all make bad ones and have to live with them.

You have now made some good decisions in life ... enojoy it and dont let other fringe things bring you down man!! :)

Sorry hope I am not belittling an obviously large issue for you ......

Dads happy not to have anything to do with them .. buts that a male thing ...

He is saying what everyone else is saying.

BIG DEEP SIGH AND LETTING GO OF IT - YET AGAIN!!!

OK - here goes from someone who used to be in an abusive relationship. Sorry if it's a bit muddled, it's obviously been about 8-9 years since I was in this frame of mind, and it's still hard going back there.

Lovelee this is what I explained to my mother when she made a comment that I never tried to see much of the family when I was with the ex. Mr B and I had been together a couple of years and up until this point mum was unaware of the abuse in my previous relationship.

At the time it is easier to shun your family then piss the boyfriend off. A pissed off mother is easier to handle then a broken bone from the pissed off boyfriend! The arguing over your family gets to the point where you just can't be bothered (my brothers just couldn't do anything right according to my ex).

The partner says very nasty things about your family and in your own mind to protect your family is to try and keep them away. If that means saying cruel things like you never want to see your family again so be it. You are protecting your family from the hurt that you are going through.

No one wants to be seen as having a failed relationship... the thought of the embarrassment appears harder than healing some bruises. The thought of someone saying "I told you it wouldn't last" rings through your head and you aren't going to let them get the better of you. (I guess that in that kind of situation, if you had children the perceived embarrasment is even more... solo mum blah blah blah)

You'll walk on egg shells to keep yourself safe, but if anyone else is under threat you'll take the beating to save them.

The idea that has been drummed into your head that you wouldn't be able to survive without them ends up being believed. No roof, no money, no food, no friends - that's what you're made to believe. You begin to think that that is true because you've shunned your family - why would they help you?

If he's got something - like a secret - he'll hold that over your head forever and never let you forget that he could destroy your reputation if the secret slipped out. Normally the secret is something so silly, you look back and wonder what was the big deal. But at the time it's been blown so far out of proportion it seems like the world would end if the secret got out.

Lovelee, it is a really sick, lonely and hurtful cycle your daughter is going through. And to her, no-one understands.

There really is no easy way to solve this - but understand that she in her mind is trying to protect you and her children. Yes I know it makes no sense, but for the battle weary, not much does. She may never explain all this to you because the logic part of the brain knows it's all 'silly sounding' but the rest of her has reasoned that this is the right way to think.

Sorry, had to delete message #5, my wording made it sound like Mr B was abusing me

Its very easy to loose sight of whats happening. As I read that Beaker, all the shit i learnt through my DV training came back, protecting the family etc.

Added to what I have put above, he is a diagnosed paranoid skitzofrenic

... he was in the mid 90s. Which was when all this shit happened.

So, Beaker, what would you have liked to recieve from your Mother by way of her letting you know that you are supported by her, that she understands. I mean by way of a letter, some words.

Ive given her these messages all her life, I know she knows Im here. My message has always been the same to all 4 kids. I dont care what you do, or what happens for you, it matters not if you commit murder, I will always be here, I may not condone what you do, I will always love you, I will always be here for you.

What Ive realised in writing this posting is, I guess I want to know she is there, that she is OK.

Lovelee, I think what you really want is to just talk to your daughter one on one and know that no matter what is said you will know he want stop the meeting because he is afriad of what you might say or what she will say to you.

In the letter I think the only thing you can say without upsetting anyone is "I love you".

I've written 3 replies to you Lovlee but havent sent any, I think you really need to know if he is still abusing her to know how to treat the situation. That probably means biding your time and playing by their rules. If he has stopped he may be scared that seeing you will bring back memories for her and cause all the old arguments to surface. If he still is abusing her he will be doing the controll freak thing. Keeping her in isolation from family and friends is one of the tools they use. Being there for her is the best thing for her you can do, be cheerful towards them both and watch like a hawk!!!!

I do have some thoughts but I can't put words to them at present, it keeps coming out the wrong way. I'll have a go anyway..

Lovelee, you might want to say to her that you would like very much to see her and ask would she be willing to set a date/time to see you if you go over to Oz.

That would give her the chance to set up something that feels safe to her and at the sametime give you a clue as to how the land lies so to speak.

Am I making any sense?

This has all been great advise, suggestions etc.

SP I do see what you are trying to say.

I have decided this.

I think you will all be proud of me

Im not going to my daughters, we are going to my sons, Steven, and my daughter and her kids can come and visit us there

Sounds like a good idea to me

Well done Lovelee

I haven't put in my 2 cents worth, but there have beem some good thoughts from the others.

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