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| | From:  Brownie49 (Original Message) | Sent: 1/19/2005 8:07 AM |
I can't think of any other type of business where you could get so many weird and wonderful customers, and up themselves sanctimonious gits. One thing is for sure we get plenty of laughs. Now that my son is a part owner in my shop ...he is weird and wonderful ..... life has just got hilarious. Walked into work this afternoon to hear this: Customer: Where is your non fiction? Dean: What sort of non fition? Customer: Your non fiction!!!! Dean: History, biography, war, technical? Customer: (in a superior voice) NON FICTION, I NEVER READ FICTION I ONLY READ NON FICTION, ANY NON FICTION! Dean: Well the biographies are over there...history there.. (etc etc) Customer: I only read true books anything else is just rubbish..total waste of time but I will read anything NON FICTION! ANYTHING AT ALL. Dean: I have a really good NON FICTION BOOK about MORONS written by a chimp with a crayon just perfect for you!!!! Customer: WELL !!!!! .................................................................................................... Oneday I will write a book !!! |
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Ummm is that hardback or paperback then? |
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would u happen to have a book called "(a) univerese in a nutshell' by stephan hawkings i think it'll be hardcover |
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I am not at work today Panther will check it out tomorrow for you. Stephen Hawkings books are usually quite hard to get.. |
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Howabout facsmilie reproductions of medieval bibles?
I already have the Maciejowski Bible (c. 1250), and Holkam Bible (1327). Always looking to expand my collection.
Do you have much in the way of secondhand books?
I'm always on the lookout for classical fencing or bare knuckle boxing texts that are long out of print. Also after the book written by Aldo Nadi (famous fencer of the early 20th century.) |
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thx brownie, i know they be hard to find but found one in a bookstore in taupo so decided it was worth checking to see if u had the other one |
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Customer:
(entering the bookshop) Good morning.
Proprietor:
Good morning, sir. Can I help you?
Customer:
Er, yes. Do you have a copy of "Thirty Days in the Samarkind Desert with the Duchess of Kent" by A. E. J. Eliott, O.B.E.?
Proprietor:
Ah, well, I don't know the book, sir....
Customer:
Er, never mind, never mind. How about "A Hundred and One Ways to Start a Fight"?
Proprietor:
...By?
Customer:
An Irish gentleman whose name eludes me for the moment.
Proprietor:
Ah, no, well we haven't got it in stock, sir....
Customer:
Oh, well, not to worry, not to worry. Can you help me with "David Coperfield"?
Proprietor:
Ah, yes, Dickens.
Customer:
No....
Proprietor:
(pause) I beg your pardon?
Customer:
No, Edmund Wells.
Proprietor:
I... *think* you'll find Charles Dickens wrote "David Copperfield", sir....
Customer:
No, no, Dickens wrote "David Copperfield" with *two* Ps. This is "David Coperfield" with *one* P by Edmund Wells.
Proprietor:
"David Coperfield" with one P?
Customer:
Yes, I should have said.
Proprietor:
Yes, well in that case we don't have it.
Customer:
(peering over counter) Funny, you've got a lot of books here....
Proprietor:
(slightly perturbed) Yes, we do, but we don't have "David Coperfield" with one P by Edmund Wells.
Customer:
Pity, it's more thorough than the Dickens.
Proprietor:
More THOROUGH?!?
Customer:
Yes...I wonder if it might be worth a look through all your "David Copper- field"s...
Proprietor:
No, sir, all our "David Copperfield"s have two P's.
Customer:
Are you quite sure?
Proprietor:
Quite.
Customer:
Not worth just looking?
Proprietor:
Definitely not.
Customer:
Oh...how 'bout "Grate Expectations"?
Proprietor:
Yes, well we have that....
Customer:
That's "G-R-A-T-E Expectations," also by Edmund Wells.
Proprietor:
(pause) Yes, well in that case we don't have it. We don't have anything by Edmund Wells, actually: he's not very popular.
Customer:
Not "Knickerless Knickleby"? That's K-N-I-C-K-E-R-L-E-S-S.
Proprietor:
(taciturn) No.
Customer:
"Khristmas Karol" with a K?
Proprietor:
(really quite perturbed) No....
Customer:
Er, how about "A Sale of Two Titties"?
Proprietor:
DEFINITELY NOT.
Customer:
(moving towards door) Sorry to trouble you....
Proprietor:
Not at all....
Customer:
Good morning.
Proprietor:
Good morning.
Customer:
(turning around) Oh!
Proprietor:
(deep breath) Yesss?
Customer:
I wonder if you might have a copy of "Rarnaby Budge"?
Proprietor:
No, as I say, we're right out of Edmund Wells!
Customer:
No, not Edmund Wells - Charles Dikkens.
Proprietor:
(pause - eagerly) Charles Dickens??
Customer:
Yes.
Proprietor:
(excitedly) You mean "Barnaby Rudge"!
Customer:
No, "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens. That's Dikkens with two Ks, the well-known Dutch author.
Proprietor:
(slight pause) No, well we don't have "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens with two Ks, the well-known Dutch author, and perhaps to save time I should add that we don't have "Karnaby Fudge" by Darles Chickens, or "Farmer of Sludge" by Marles Pickens, or even "Stickwick Stapers" by Farles Wickens with four M's and a silent Q!!!!! Why don't you try W. H. Smith's?
Customer:
Ah did, They sent me here.
Proprietor:
DID they.
Customer:
Oh, I wonder...
Proprietor:
Oh, do go on, please.
Customer:
Yes...I wonder if you might have "The Amazing Adventures of Captain Gladys Stoutpamphlet and her Intrepid Spaniel Stig Amongst the Giant Pygmies of Beckles"...volume eight.
Proprietor:
(after a pause for recovery) No, we don't have that...funny, we've got a lot of books here...well, I musn't keep you standing here...thank you,--
Customer:
Oh, well do, do you have-- ---\
Proprietor:
No, we haven't. No, we haven't. |
Customer:
B-b-b-but-- |
Proprietor:
Sorry, no, it's one o'clock now, we're | closing for lunch-- |
Customer:
Ah, I--I saw it-- |-------loud arguments
Proprietor:
I'm sorry-- |
Customer:
I saw it over there! I saw it... |
Proprietor:
What? What? WHAT?!? ---/
Customer:
I saw it over there: "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds".
Proprietor:
(pause; trying to stay calm) "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds"?
Customer:
Yes...
Proprietor:
O-L-S-E-N?
Customer:
Yes....
Proprietor:
B-I-R-D-S??
Customer:
Yes.....
Proprietor:
(beat) Yes, well, we do have that, as a matter of fact....
Customer:
The expurgated version....
Proprietor:
(pause; politely) I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that...?
Customer:
The expurgated version.
Proprietor:
(exploding) The EXPURGATED version of "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds"?!?!?!?!?
Customer:
(desperately) The one without the gannet!
Proprietor:
The one without the gannet-!!! They've ALL got the gannet!! It's a Standard British Bird, the gannet, it's in all the books!!!
Customer:
(insistent) Well, I don't like them...they wet their nests.
Proprietor:
(furious) All right! I'll remove it!! (rrrip!) Any other birds you don't like?!
Customer:
I don't like the robin...
Proprietor:
(screaming) The robin! Right! The robin! (rrrip!) There you are, any others you don't like, any others?
Customer:
The nuthatch?
Proprietor:
Right! (flipping through the book) The nuthatch, the nuthatch, the nuthatch, 'ere we are! (rrriiip!) There you are! NO gannets, NO robins, NO nuthatches, THERE's your book!
Customer:
(indignant) I can't buy that! It's torn!
Proprietor:
(incoherent noise)
Customer:
Ah, I wonder if you have--
Proprietor:
God, ask me anything!! We got lots of books here, you know, it's a bookshop!!
Customer:
Er, how 'bout "Biggles Combs his Hair"?
Proprietor:
No, no, we don't have that one, funny!
Customer:
"The Gospel According to Charley Drake"?
Proprietor:
No, no, no, try me again!
Customer:
Ah...oh, I know! "Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying".
Proprietor:
No, no, no, no, no,...What? WHAT??????
Customer:
"Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying".
Proprietor:
"Ethel the Aa--" YES!!!YES!!! WE'VE GOT IT!! (throwing books wildly about) I-I've seen it somewhere!!! I know it!!! Hee hee hee hee hee!!! Ha ha hoo ho---WAIT!! WAIT!! Is it?? Is it??? (triumphant) YES!!!!!! Here we are, "Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying"!!!!! There's your book!! (throwing it down) Now, BUY IT!!!
Customer:
(quickly) I don't have enough money.
Proprietor:
(desperate) I'll take a deposit!
Customer:
I don't have ANY money!
Proprietor:
I'll take a check!!
Customer:
I don't have a checkbook!
Proprietor:
I've got a blank one!!
Customer:
I don't have a bank account!!
Proprietor:
RIGHT!!!! I'll buy it FOR you! (ring) There we are, there's your change, there's some money for a taxi on the way home, there's your book, now, now..
Customer:
Wait, wait, wait!
Proprietor:
What? What?!? WHAT?!? WHAT???!!
Customer:
I can't read!!!
Proprietor:
(staggeringly long pause; very quietly) You can't...read. (pause) RIGHT!!! Sit down!! Sit down!! Sit!! Sit!! Are you sitting comfortably??? Right!!! (opens book) "Ethel the Aardvark was hopping down the river valley one lovely morning, trottety-trottety-trottety, when she might a nice little quantity surveyor..." (fade out) |
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Son has left a book open behind the counter. " "Wildlife Photography, an International fieldguide" Now I know why he said he was showing customers pics of Great Tits. |
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Come home from holiday and there is a 5ft something replica Dalek in my shop!!!!  Just let those shoplifters try ......... |
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Do... not... shoplift...or...you...will...be....destroyed |
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I am hunting for Kiwi's tartan Klit thread found this one so will add this |
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