First, start a hot fire in your fireplace or stove. I don't care that the outdoor temperature is in the high 90s, just do it. This is a safety precaution. OSHA regulation. OK, next, you might want to find some rubber gloves, rubber boots, (Scuba gear is good) or something expendable. Plastic eye-goggles and a respirator come in handy sometimes.

Now, first, you need to locate these pesky little anal sacs. There are two ends to your dog. The front end, or intake. This is the end with the teeth. The back end is where the tail is located. The anal sacs are on the *tail* end of the dog. So, carefully lift the dog's tail. Under the tail, you should see something resembling a Pig-Eye. If it winks at you, you drank too much Gin preparing for this procedure. Wait a day.

Pig-Eye, BTW, was the nickname we gave our High School Principal. I don't think he ever got it. Anyhow, take note of the position of this vent. I might make a note here informing you it's best not to perform this "expression" if your dog is having a particularly flatulent day. For what it’s worth, this may be the only time you appreciate having a bad head cold. Can't smell anything. OK--you now know that the anal glands are located under the tail, in the area of the exhaust system. Facing the rear of the dog, the anal glands are at roughly 2:00 and 10:00 just inside the vent. It doesn't matter if it's AM or PM.

Now, if you have an old watch (analog, it must have hands--digital won't work!) you may want to duct tape it directly below the vent to assist you in finding 2:00 and 10:00. Be sure the 12:00 is on the top, and the 6:00 is on the bottom. No, no the bottom of the *watch*! If you don't know which way is up, I cannot help you. Be sure you use an expendable timepiece. Leave your Rolex in the dresser drawer. OK--the tacky part. Don your rubber glove and your protective clothing. Be sure Ken Starr is nowhere around. Lift the tail. There are two methods you can use.

One is the "milking" method (farm kids know this one) which can be performed *externally*. This is my preferred method. Gently place your forefinger and thumb around the tail from above, push inward at each side of the vent, and gently massage in an outward direction. If your dog is not on the roof by now you're doing fine. Oh, yeah. **DO NOT** stand behind the dog during this maneuver! If your dog is like Ernie, his glands squirt over six feet sometimes. Hoo-boy is this messy!

If you have a nosy neighbor, or you've just had a fight with your wife/husband, this is a great means of getting even. Or divorced. Just tell 'em to stand back there--lean a little closer--and Pssshhht! That lovely smelling fluid right down their front! Too much fun! OK that's method #1-- which doesn't work on all dogs. The sure way is to use your rubber glove, lube up that 'ol forefinger just like a prostate exam, guys! Hey, best to be sure your dog is in a corner facing the wall here. Otherwise you might not find Phydeaux for a few days. Anyhow, reach in and feel for the gland. Feels like a peanut if it's full. If it's not you won't find it sometimes. Found it, right? OK--massage outward; gently--if it's impacted this can get really dicey. Once it breaks loose--you'll know! Oh, yeah, you'll know. The fire? If you make a mistake you're going to need it to burn your clothes!

Gee, I hope this helps you! If not, the Vet charges about $15.00 to take care of the problem.

I think he earns it!