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Questions that have Confused humankind!!
a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
a.. Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
a.. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
a.. What do you call male ballerinas?
a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn't he just buy dinner?
a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
a.. Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?
a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? |
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It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked."
Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001"
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An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -
"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....
"Well, OK...but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...
OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?
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A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the
evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at
it.
When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window,
takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side,
jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the
performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When
finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a
deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps
back into bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During
the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.
So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a
deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four
Chinese men.
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Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:
...........PRICELESS! |
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Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"
Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.
Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.
Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.
Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.
Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.
Good girls love italian food...
Bad girls love italian waiters.
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A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.
When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."
When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.
The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem...
How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"
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A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.
Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?
"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied.
He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.
The mother paused and said to her son...
"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"
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Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear says:
"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
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Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear says:
"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?" |
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A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.
Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.
When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"
So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat".
The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".
The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish".
"What did you wish for?" said the Barman.
"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"
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Which condom would you use....
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'
Chevron: use them? people do.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
MCI: for friends and family
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?
Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam
Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!
Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!
McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served
Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities
Burger King: Have it your way
Dairy Queen: We treat you right
AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1 |
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A Priest, a Nun, and a Camel are crossing the desert.
The camel falls dead.
Before I die the father says, "I would like to see a woman naked. So the nun takes off all her clothes.
She then says, "before I die i would like to see a man naked. So the father takes off his clothes. She looks at his penis and says, "My God!! What is that for?"
He says "You stick it in a hole and it brings forth life."
The nun replies, "Then how about you stick it up that camels ass and let's get the hell out of here!"
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You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If..... - Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color. - You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill. - You think the best use of your light saber is cleaning your teeth. - At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored. - There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder. - You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder. - You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok - You can find no grammatical errors or syntax challenges in the way Yoda talks. - A peaceful meditation session is one without gas. - You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE FORCE. - Your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?" - You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard. - You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit. - The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters. - Wookies are offended by your B.O. - You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. - You have ever used the force in conjunction with bowling or a spitting contest. - You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer. - Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side... it'll be a hoot." - You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingie to get the bar-b-q grill to light. - You wore burlap even before you started your Jedi training. - Your favorite meals on Dagoba incorporate native snakes. - You have fuzzy dice hanging in the cockpit of your X-Wing. - You've asked an Ewok to help you go coon hunting. - You've ever looked at your sister, thought she was one hot babe, and kissed her. - You have the words "Foxy Lady" or a playboy bunny painted on your land speeder. - You bought hanging air fresheners for your friend's X-Wing at Christmas time. - You use the "O" on stop signs to sight in your new blaster. - You wished that Admiral Ackbar was swimming in the pond on your farm back home. - You call the Emporer "That old ugly dude in the house coat." - Your favorite bar caters primarily to smugglers and bounty hunters. - You think that Jabba the Hutt really knows how to pick up good looking chicks. - You've got a stuffed womp rat from Begger's Canyon on your mantle. - Your initiation into the Rebellion required parallel parking the Millenium Falcon. - You've ever given someone a wedgie by using the force. - You're flying a ship that has no original parts. - Parts of a TIE fighter you blew up hang as a trophy in your living room. - Your blind date was arranged through an invitation written on a cantina napkin. - People mistake your house for a jawa used droids and speeder parts dealership. - The cake at your wedding was sliced with a light saber. - You own a pink flamingo with blaser holes in it. - You inherited a styrofoam cooler and a tackle box with your light saber. - You didn't read the whole Jedi manual because there were no pictures. - You've used a storm trooper helmet as a spitoon. - You've moved from planet to planet to avoid Imperial storm troopers. - Your beer belly puts Jabba the Hutt to shame. - The smell of ham or bacon reminds you of Jabba's Gamorean guards. - Your best practical joke was sticking a banana in Boba Fett's tail pipe. - You have ever used baling wire and/or duct tape to make repairs on your landspeeder. - You feel that duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. |
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WARNING! GROANERS AHEAD! A group of chess enthusiasts were in town for a tournament. They were standing around in the hotel lobby, and bragging about all their greatest victories. Finally, the manager came over and told them to stop. When they asked why he said "Because I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!" Two eskimos went kayaking one day. They found it too cold, so they lit a fire. It burned a whole through the kayak, and it sank. Further proof that you can't have your kayak and heat it to! Historical records have shown that William Tell's family were avid bowlers. They played quite a bit, even in leagues. However, these records have been lost, so no one knows for whom the Tells Bowled! There's a nudist colony for communists. Two old men are sitting on a porch. One says to the other, "I say ol' boy. Have you read Marx?" He replies, "Yes, I believe it's these wicker chairs" A guy goes to a costume party, and he's got a girl on his back. The guy throwing the party comes up to him. "You know this is a costume party, right?" The guy says, "Yeah, I'm a snail." The host responds, "then what's with the girl on your back?" The man replies, "Oh, that's Michelle." A guy went around, painting various buildings for people. To save money, he always used paint thinner. One day, he was asked to paint the church. So as usual, he thinned the paint and went to work. When he was nearly done, a thunderstorm suddenly erupted, knocking him off of his scaffold and causing the paint to run. He thought he must've angered the lord, so he got down on his knees. "Oh lord, I'm sorry for offending you. What can I do to make up for it?". Suddenly there was a booming voice from the heavens. "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!!" |
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