Celebrity BB seems like a good idea: your career’s over, or it hasn’t started, so why not give the mother of all reality shows a shot. But then the freakiness of it subsumes you and you’re scrawling madnesses on blackboards (Vanessa Feltz) or pretending to be a cat in a shiny leotard lapping milk from the hand of Dennis Waterman’s ex (George Galloway). At this early stage, this year’s lamb is Danielle Lloyd, a former Miss Great Britain. Lloyd seemed perky enough but the BB crowd — sensitive to any inner ugliness and prepared to show it with concerted booing — turned on her. She introduced herself to Jermaine Jackson who clearly hadn’t any idea who Lloyd was (his grimace as set as granite). He expected her to know who he was so didn’t introduce himself. And so they stood there, hideously frozen. He had rather creepily suggested that his brother Michael, although in Las Vegas, “can see everything”. In a masterstroke, the producers ratcheted up the dysfunction quotient by chucking in Ken Russell, who bounded down the red carpet like a giant strawberry bonbon singing Singing in the Rain. He swore, almost fell over and produced the most poignant line of the night. Who was he? Lloyd asked. “I’m an old English film director from way back,” he said. He was faced with utter incomprehension and your heart sank for him. This skewed notion of lost or desired “celebrity” is the combustible element: each contestant’s entry was prefaced with a video diary showing what they are famous for or who they are. They can be utterly inoffensive, like Jo O’Meara (from S Club 7 to dog breeding) and Ian Watkins (“H” from Steps who came out, to absolutely no surprise, in The Sun yesterday). Shilpa Shetty was so beautiful and classy Davina found herself helping the Bollywood star up the steps. Just why are they doing this, you think, then dismiss any deeper meditation. It's genius panto, for sure: the A Team’s Dirk Benedict played the washed-up roué to perfection with his care-in-the-community jeans, puffing on a cigar and reeking of ham. Then there were the contestants whose smiles were a little too wide, or whose behaviour was so contrived you doubted their sanity and worried for their housemates’ safety. Leo Sayer barrelled in, ever the demented troll. Donny Tourette is this year’s rocker-boy. He swaggered, effing and showing the finger (very Pete Doherty), and even dared to diss Davina, then ruined the whole bad-boy thing by greeting Leo Sayer with a great big luvvie hug. Best of all was Cleo Rocos, Kenny Everett’s busty former sidekick, who said she was after OIL — “old, rich and loaded”. She claimed to be “a happy doodle on God’s telephone pad”. Go Cleo! Together, finally, they seemed like a roiling, discordant orchestra, all babbling. Their complement was replete with Carole Malone, a journalist who hopes to get a scoop, but if the show works properly, she’ll be the first to crack before the week is out.

Jaed Goody (a Bb contestant in a previous show) and her boyfriend jack along with her mum have gone in..the house divided into 2..servants and royalties.

Jade and her family are joined tonite by her grandparents and the goody family are the posh family (ahahah they are the real common down to earth real life family of course) and the posh celebs are rather gobsmacked.

Donny tourette has jumped over the wall and escaped refusing to lower himself to be a servant to such a weird family.

jades well known temper tantrums has started already because ken russell has helped himself to food instead of being waited on by servants..thus putting starain on this task of acting as part..servants and part of jade goodys household.

Updates..working back from jan 7th today..to day 1.

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A long day in the BB House!

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Sunday

2.38pm - Jade, Jack, Jackiey, Shilpa and Jermaine are playing baseball with an improvised 'ball' and woks. 

2.25pm - Leo says he's found a way to make himself more entertaining to the HMs.

2pm - Jermaine and Jack are discussing basketball players.

1.40pm - A chilled out Jade and Jack are discussing religion and gods.

1.34pm - Dirk tells Shilpa she has a great laugh and that it's one of her better qualities.

1.20pm - Jade storms to the garden in tears.

1.14pm - Ken and Jade are arguing over food after Ken helps himself to a crackers and cheese lunch.

1.12pm - H says he's really cold in the servants quarters. He says he can't wait to have a bar of chocolate while Danielle can't wait to get back to her sweets.

1.10pm - Danielle is preparing lunch. Leo is sleeping.

1.05pm - Servants are told to resume their duties in an announcement by Big Brother.

1pm - The housemates are debating what food should be cooked for the banquet. Jade asks what Merlot is.

12.53pm - HMs must wear appropriate clothing for tonight's banquet.

12.50pm - Carole reads a notice to the HMs saying there will be a banquet to welcome two special guests tonight - Jade's grandparents Sylvia and John. Jade says she's shocked even though there'd been "speculagent" they were entering the house.

12.45pm - Dirk mutters to himself as he changes the bedding: "This is so much fun pretending to be housekeeper."

12.42pm - Dirk tells Jackiey that Donny was a fun character.

12.40pm - Dirk is changing Jermaine's bed sheets while Jackiey approaches him to double check on the pronunciation of his name.

12.20pm - Jade's reliving her original BB audition to Carole saying she had a party trick where she'd fit her body through an elastic band.

12.15pm - Jade tells housemates she doesn't regard herself as a celebrity and that she she is just known and quite fortunate. "I know it can be taken away from me just like that" she adds.

12pm - H tells Jade and Jermaine that Sun City is the best place he's ever stayed, while Jade sings praises about Dubai and Miami.

11.50am - Carole and Jackiey are discussing spectacles, while Cleo tels Ken how much she adores diamonds.

11.40am - Jermaine tells Carole Danielle is "so sweet and a good girl." 

11.25am - Jackiey's impressing H with stories about jet-skiing and paragliding despite the loss of the use of her arm. When paragliding she says they left her up for longer because she was screaming so much - thinking she was enjoying herself!

11.22am - Meanwhile, Jackiey is telling H about breaking her ribs and the pain of laughing. 

11.20am - Ken is telling Jermaine tales about his moviemaking life.

11.10am - Housemates tell Carole she looks like a snooker player dressed in her gear.

10.50am - Carole consoles a tearful Danielle telling her "everyone loves you here."

10.38am - Jackiey is in tears talking to Ken about what she'd like for breakfast. She missed it because she was in the shower.

10.30am - Jade, Jack and Jermaine are discussing Jermaine's afro hair. Jade says it never seems to move.

10.15am - One of Jade's pet-hates is people who eat loudly. It makes her sweaty and agitated when they do. Her mum is guilty of this she claims.

10.05am - Jade would love to appear in a musical - specifically in My Fair Lady.

9.55am - Jermaine doesn't like the CBB house's tap water and the tea is "too strong."

9.52am - Jermaine says he got up at 6am so he could think in the courtyard.

9.46am - Carole's not impressed - she hasn't got a hairdryer.

9.35am - Dirk jokes with Danielle that her boyfriend Teddy has got it easy. "Some of us have to do shows like Celebrity Big Brother to make a living," he says.

9.30am - Ken is told by Carole to keep his "hands and innuendo" to himself.

9.25am - Carole says she's not sleeping well as she is tense.

9.18am - Dirk reveals his skin can't handle a razor and says he is 'thin-skinned.' He's irritated that he can't have an electric razor in the house.

9.10am - Ken is taking a nap in a chair.

9am - The 'family' are being served breakfast by the servants.

2.53am - Still reading the Big Brother manual, Leo lets out a yawn and rests his head on his hand.

2.37am - Finally showing signs of exhaustion, Leo rereads the manual Big Brother has provided with instructions for the task they are undertaking.

2.13am - Leo goes to the toilet, earlier on he mentioned that when he goes he puts the microphone near his peeing .

1.59am - Shilpa is still awake and sets up bed on the floor.

1.57am - Dirk gets away from Leo finally and heads to bed. Leo paces around the servants' quarters kitchen.

1.52am - Dirk wants to go to bed but Leo keeps him up. Leo tells Dirk that humour is the best way to deal with this show.

1.48am - Dirk is up chatting to Leo about house keeping tips.

1.36am - Leo has woken up Dirk because of throwing bits of apple in the bin to keep himself awake.

1.28am - Leo is still up reading the manual, Ian "H" gets up to use the toilet.

1.18am - It was Jackiey! She apologises to Jermaine and says that she thought he was sleeping and that she did say "pardon."

1.15am - Carole and Cleo are off to bed and say goodnight to Leo. Leo is reading the Servants' manual left by Big Brother. In the masters' bedroom, Ken is snoring again and Jade, Jack, Jermaine and Shilpa are not able to sleep. Someone farted which makes them all laugh.

1.11am - Cleo ponders whether or not they can get themselves a glass of water, as this is meant to be Danielle's job.

1.08am - Cleo praises Leo's performance tonight. Leo is happy to be playing the deaf mute because it gives him a chance to be creative. Inactivity made him want to leave but he is happy again now he has this task.

1.05am - Jo goes to bed.

1.01am - Because Leo is the night butler he has to stay awake all night. The others wonder how he will stay awake.

12.59am - Cleo, Carole and Jo continue to sit up chatting. Jo gets a "shooting pain in her boob." Leo comes back to the servant's quarters. He reports that Jackiey and Shilpa are okay again.

12.51am - Leo's odd behaviour continues, now he is spelling out "HELP" with pretzels. Jade comes to the kitchen and giggles at what she sees. Jack comes in shortly after.

12.48am - Danielle heads to bed in the servants' quarters and promsies to be have breakfast ready by 7.30am.

12.46am - Shilpa comes out of the diary room to see Leo parading with his mop scarecrow which makes her laugh, she then goes to the bedroom.

12.42am - Leo appears to be tempted to eat food from the rubbish bin in the kitchen which is against the task rules. He tries on Jack's jacket before than deciding to dress a mop with it.

12.38am - Leo is cleaning after the master's have all gone to bed.

12.34am - Jade and Jackiey are off to bed.

12.28am - Shilpa, Ken and Jermaine sit up in the bedroom and continue to reflect on the events concerning Jackiey tonight.

12.25am - Ken agrees with Jermaine that the rhubarb dessert was not very nice, going on to explain how it is supposed to be cook. Shilpa tells them she has never had a fight before tonight. Dirk tells the other servants about his prostate cancer.

12.18am - Shilpa and Jermaine are in the bathroom getting ready for bed. Shilpa assures Jermaine that she is fine now. The lights are out in the masters' bedroom.

12.16am - Carole explains to Dirk the rules of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, including what the stars on that show had to eat - kangaroo's anus and crocodile's penis.

12.13am - The servants have only had rice and lentils and look forward to getting the hamper reward at the end of the three day task.

12.09am - Carole, Dirk, Jo, Danielle and Cleo are talking about how strictly they have to follow the task rules.