I will never this morning at 8am  2003

when the police phoned me ..after my concerns..you had not answered your telephone for 2 weeks..and our last contact was April Easter..you asked if you could come live with me and I said yes..we were going to talk more when you posted your letter to me..the letter was written ..not posted on your desk..the phone calls I made..still on answer machine..when the police broke in your flat.

you had taken some beechams powder ...probably thinking you were under the weather...and had left the time..9pm April 23rd on a stick-on notelet to the box on the kitchen counter..

You KNEW you were dying..you just did not tell me so..

Oh BJ..You were my surrogate dad..my uncle my friend..my solicitor and you died alone..laid dead for 3 weeks..you left me everything you owned..house..car..money..and I gave it all away..I did not earn it..I did not want it..I just cant belive how my life changed from a successful career woman and happy wife mum..after you died..The vultures in the family took it all without a thankyou..just hatred because I gave more to one than the other ..(the ones who needed it the most..)

We cant turn back the clocks BJ..but as it was before..only ever you comming to stay with me and me having contact you..now I know how you felt all your life..because I too have only one lass within contact..our Anna-marie..your niece,my daughter.

The others fled..took what I gave and have never bothered since..

History repeating itself BJ..

I dont know where your brother Peter is..dead or alive..I dont know how the boys are doing and have no contact with Joshua my first and only grandchild born 18months ago..

BJ..you always said one day I would come to know how you were lonely but happy alone at the same time..I need you more than you will know..and you have gone..in such a cruel lonely way..I miss my chats and letters..I cant get over the cruel way you died ..and yet you had virtually told me something was so wrong..by asking to come live with me.

Your partner at the solicitors office had seen you April 17th ..walking happily along the town..and you had said..you were goping to live with your niece..your only family..

but you were dead one week later..that move never happened and you never got to me.

Please know I am full of guilt..I should have got to you the day you called me....Instead I waited for your letter as agreed.cos you would have still been here..you died of a heart failure..and that is so so tragic when I could have saved you.