Chapter 1
Birth to 10years
Choking back the egg custard my nursery school mistress had made for the umptienth time,I longed for the day my Mammy did not have to go to work anymore.Just three years old and the rusty old squeaky rocking horse I played on daily,was the only joy I remember at this creepy house.Was it any wonder I longed to go to real school?
That day came and I was proud of my big satchel containing a teddy and flask of blackcurrant.I was the special kid, compared to the others in class, because I could not drink milk like them ,from a straw in tiny bottles,I had blackcurrant.This soon ended when one day in school assembly a drip-drip sound was heard from the coatpegs at the back of the hall,and a puddle of black liquid escaped on the floor!
I stayed home for a few days because the embarrassment of the laughter was too much to bear,so home alone with Father I stayed.Father was always away at airforce events or car rallies and airshows.Father was always in and out of jobs,so Mammy worked hard to support the family.
On one of those days away from school, home from school,Father lit the coal fire and threw some logs on,the smell of damp wood trying to burn was a lovely smell and I happily played with my Tressie doll.Tressie came from Mammy who had saved up the green shield stamps to "buy" her for me.I loved Tressie because her hair grew when you pressed her tummy button.No matter how many times I pressed my tummy button my tight tight curls remained the same length.As I was attempting to make Tressie,s hair grow even longer I saw Father throw some batteries on the fire from a torch and replace it with new ones.Seconds later.."whoosh, sizzle,bang" the batteries had danced out of the fire and exploded into my face leaving me blinded temporarily.
When mammy returned from work all hell let lose,it was a bus ride to the local hospital to be told my sight should return soon and the burns on my face would heal on their own.Father got a telling off from mammy,and this was to become one of many times I heard mammy call him "a sow faced-pig who was eccentric above means.A dangerous callous man who was going to be left a very lonely man one day".
A year after my blindeness,Uncle Gordon came to stay for two weeks.We loved his Welsh accent and would mimic Mammy and him,as they chatted.
Father decided to take me and my two brothers to the market.He had acquired a car.A three wheeler car he was so proud of,and thought it would give Mammy and her brother time alone to reminice about the war,and share their memories of Grandpappa who had been killed when Mammy was just nine years old,after his parachute did not open,and he fell to his death.
I was thrilled we could go for a ride in the car.Noone had a car in our Close,we were the first to own a car in 1964,and I felt like a Princess!What adventures we would now have!Mammy disapproved with shrieks of "...and where is the food on the table?Where is the school clothes and electric money.A car?You are no good for anything."
..Oh!Mammy did not see the adventures we could soon be having!
Father had noticed a crack in the side window of the car,and decided to replace it with glass.He had found a piece of glass in the old shed that seemed to fit perfectly,so we could go off to the market.Mammy again started lecturing "..you sow-faced cow of a man..you need real glass for cars,what a mad idiot you are.My kids are going nowhere in that car."
Uncle Gordon,hearing Mammy (and not being used to how his sweet,shy,timid sister had turned into an over-protective fearful mother,said he would come along to the market with father us .So off we set,singing and clapping and pressing our noses on the window whenever we passed a friend we knew!!Whatever happened next I can not recall,I can only remember us rolling over and over and over down a big steep hill,glass shattering everywhere and sticking in me and my brother.!We had stitches in exactly the same place and we both screamed and screamed in the hospital so much for our Mammy that Uncle Gordon was physically sick.
Returning home was not a big comfort,because mammy could not hug and kiss us,she just lost her temper and again,like so many times before and for years after,we heard her usual "you sow-faced cow you eccentric mad idiot.You are no good for anything!"
Soon after this incident Father had vanished again,to a voluntary air cadet course.He was one of the voluntary helpers for the cadets.One evening a man knocked the door and I heard Mammy say "His wife has not left him at all, I am his wife,not that I am proud!"She rushed into the lounge where I was feeding Tressie doll and picked up the vacuum cleaner,thrust it in the man,s arms and closed the door.I came to learn upon father,s return that he had bought the vacuum cleaner from a catalogue and had not made the re-payments .Mammy was shouting "I gave you the money to buy one.I worked hard for the money,you used it for a down payment on that second hand car didn,t you?"
It was not long after Mammy was given £250 from an auntie who died.Mammy decided to buy a house in the big town and use this money as the deposit.I cried and cried,I did not want to leave behind my best friend from school,Donna
I was now 10years old and I hated the old smelly damp house Mammy had chosen.The new school I was to attend had bars on the window and wire mesh.We did not have our own little Hymn books we all had to read off a big board in the hall.It was so different to the council house estate we lived in,where grass was green and we had enjoyed apple scrumping and blackberry picking.This town was cold,dark and no green grass to be seen.
Mammy took in lodgers to pay the mortgage,so I had to share a bedroom with my brother,Jeff.This was not like our pretty council house at all.I hated this house.I hated sharing a bedroom.I hated life at school.
One fine Sunday Jeff and I decided to walk to the funfair!Noone would know we had gone!It was half hour walk there and half hour back.We,d only be gone for a couple of hours,whilst Mammy did the washing and prepared the lodgers meals.We would not even be missed!We emptied our coins from our money boxes and set-off.I needed the toilet desperately as we walked along our way and I noticed a toilet in a Churchyard on the opposite side of the road.I looked up and down the road,as Mammy had always taught us.Jeff decided to wait on the path until I returned. I stepped across the road when "screachhh!Bang"!!I had been hit by a motorbike that came from nowhere!I could feel myself way up high in the sky,and recall my shoe flying off my foot,and Jeff screaming!I landed in a heap on the road,with the motorbike and driver also in a pile nearby.People appeared from nowhere,but I could not speak .People were shouting "call an ambulance",and I heard Jeff shout back "No"It is ok,we will both just go home.You must not call an ambulance."This made me come to my senses,I stood up,with a wobbly walk!!I insisted I was ok.The driver of the motorbike said he would report this accident to the police,brushed himself off and slowly rode off.I walked home with Jeff,we wanted to show the people all was fine.Once out of their view I collapsed,I had no idea I had fractured my leg and arm!I was more scared what Mammy would say when she saw my ripped anorak and would know we had crept away to go to the funfair.We arrived home and Mammy was so shocked.Again it was another bus ride to the hospital and plaster put on my arm and ankle.I can recall father returning and hearing him say "..mm you can not blame this time!" to which Mammy scolded "You should not be away leaving this family week in week out..that is your problem,you selfish sow-faced...."
Many arguments between Father and Mammy continued,but always when the lodgers were out.
I came home from school one afternoon and found the house quiet.I rushed up to my bedroom to see if Jeff was there.I had to go through Mammy and Father,s bedroom to get into mine and Jeff,s bedroom.As I pushed open the first bedroom door I saw father sleeping in bed!This was most unusual!He would normally be out looking for a job.I noticed a piece of paper beside the bed and on it in big letters it read "I killed myself to prove I loved you."!
I screamed at father.."Wake up!Wake up"!There was no reply!I ran downstairs,I knew I had to find a neighbour who had a telephone for help.As I ran out the front gate,I collided with Mammy,who was carrying a cat in a basket."Look she said ,a cat for you and the boys,because we have mice in the house.Here take her"
"I can,t Father has killed himself!" I screamed.Mammy ran indoors and got to Father..and all I remember is hearing.."How dare you fake this,for your daughter to witness such disgusting behaviour!"
By all account.Father had faked suicide and was watching out the window to see where I had gone and if Mammy was coming back!Mammy had caught him trying to get back into his "death" position!It was then father was admitted into the mental hospital for observation.When he was due to come home,Mammy told the doctor she could not alllow it and wanted a divorce.Suddenly I felt relief not sadness.I was 10 and I could not see anyway of being safe all the time Father was in our lives.
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