Quirkie Meerkat Jeopardy

Today, I am no longer a woman who sits at her desk wondering if she bought the right toilet bowl cleaner. Today, I am a wild, ravishing temptress of a woman. I am saucy, seduction love puppy. I am a goddess. I am Eve. I am the proud owner of my very first thong.

I've always wanted a thong.
To some women, this is akin to saying that "I've always wanted to have my eyebrows removed with gardening sheers." But hear me out. I have excellent reasons for wanting a thong.

Firstly, those unsightly things known as panty lines. They are very bad. Although, now that I ponder, in an age when celebrities are caught on camera seriously underdressed, it might be wise to let people know that you are indeed wearing underwear.

Secondly, if our fashion choices say something about us, my current underwear is screaming "hasn't seen a lingerie shop since 1998 and hasn't gotten any since 2004"

Finally, I am assured that the thong will make my bottom look fabulous without having to resort to unreasonable measures such as avoiding ice lattes and joining a gym. The saleswoman insists that the thong will make my butt look like Halle Berry's. I buy eight.

7am DOT (day of the thong): Insert thong (and it really is an insertion, ladies). Check out rear end in mirror. Stangely, my read end does not look like Halle Berry's. Must be bad lighting. Proceed to work with a smile, knowing that I am now uber sexy.

9:30am: At work. Wondering why no one has commented on sexy new me. One person, however, asks me why I am continuously wincing. Am I sore?

11am: Starting to wonder if saleswoman directed me to the right size. Hard to feel sexy and saucy while wondering if thong will have to be surgically removed from backside by lunchtime.

1pm: Absolutely convinced that saleswoman was absent or seriously drunk during training of how to size a thong. Maybe both. Coworker shares that she calls thongs thongs "fanny gnats" - they're annoying and they are everywhere. Anoth brilliant coworker snorts and asks me why I want to wear "butt floss". Am saddened. And in pain.

3:30pm: Thong has migrated from previously uncomfortable position into worse position, if that's possible. Call Thong Wearing Friend (TWF) for advice
TWF: It takes a while to find what's right for your body type.
Me: How long did it take you?
TWF: So far, about siz years. I'm pretty darn close though now. Or my ass has gone numb.

5pm: Head home attemping not to walk as if there is a thong stuck up my backside. Which there really is.

7pm: Prepare to discard thong in garbage. I am not a wild, seductress woman. I am a woman destined to live in joe boxers and shorts. Partner walked in and says "Wow. That makes your butt look like Halle Berry's." Don't care if it's a lie. I am sexy. I buy three more thongs.

__________________
In my opinion, a horse is the animal to have. 1300 pounds of raw muscle, power, grace, and sweat between your legs - it's something you just can't get from a pet hamster.

Important Announcement The MSN Groups service will close in February 2009. You can move your group to Multiply, MSN’s partner for online groups. Learn More
Quirkie Meerkat Jeopardy	[email protected]