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New meds for women: Damitol: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours. St. Mom’s Wort: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. Empty Nestrogen: Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. Peptobimbo: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. Dumerol: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music. Flipitor: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. Antiboyotics: When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. Menicillin: Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?" Buyagra: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-One-all: When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. JackAsspirin: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. Antitalksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. Sexcedrin: More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. Ragamat: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. .
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