1. I CHILDPROOFED MY HOUSE, BUT THEY STILL GET IN.
2. On the front) . . .60 IS NOT OLD. On the back). . .IF YOU'RE A TREE.
3. I'M STILL HOT... IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES.
4. AT MY AGE, "GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT.
5. MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED.
6. LIFE IS SHORT. MAKE FUN OF IT.
7. I'M NOT 50. I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX.
8. ANNAPOLIS - A DRINKING TOWN WITH A SAILOR PROBLEM.
9. I NEED SOMEBODY BAD... ARE YOU BAD?
10. PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT!
11. BUCKLE UP. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THE ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU FROM YOUR CAR.
12. I'M NOT A SNOB. I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU ARE.
13. IT'S MY CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS.
14. EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE.
15. KEEP STARING.... I MAY DO A TRICK.
16. WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC.
17. DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED.
18. MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH AND IT'S GONE.
19. EVERY TIME I HEAR THE DIRTY WORD "EXERCISE", I WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH CHOCOLATE.
20. CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE.
21. LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL.
22. IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH.
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