((((¯`'·.¸(*)°Karen's Journal January 13th(*)¸.·'´¯))))
Wow you know i should really concentrate on writting in here more often, seems i have slacked off alot lately...
Has anyone ever felt like just running away and hiding from everyone, from the world itself..??
Well that is how iam feeling alot lately...Its so true, but havent confessed this to anyone really...I guess cause this time, i just dont want everyone knowing my true feelings, not cause i dont trust anyone its just that sometimes i just cannot bring those words out of me,...But here i can express my emoitions without actually telling one person..
I suppose i just need to get away or even just get out of this place...I feel trapped in here all the time,that my life doesnt seem to have a purpose to it..I am lost inside and cannot find the way out..I can remember when i use to go out alot with friends, and what not, but nothing now, lost almost all my friends, nobody ever comes by anymore except for my bf or sister at times,but other then that, nobody..I know to some this might sound like nothing much but to me its alot...
I don't go on web cam anymore like i use to cause i have seen i have put some of my wieght i lost last year back on and i really don't like it at all...I feel ugly and fat...I know you are all gonna say no Karen you look good , blah blah blah...Like i havent heard that before in my life from people...But those are only words to me, its not how i feel inside my heart and soul..Please don't think iam being mean of hateful, just expressing my heart feelings...Yes true i have lost wieght in the past so i could do it again, only one problem iam restricted from doing alot of things now then i was before, which is part of the reason i put my wieght back on..I won't even send my mother pictures of me cause i don't want her to see my failures....We even did a video tape of christmas morning in my home and iam not sending that to her cause i look like a beached whale sitting on my coach smoking and bitc-ing about everything..
I just seem to have this hatred thing inside me right now, i hear the words i speak but i don't stop them i can't for whatever reason..All i have ever wanted in my life was to be healthy and about 200 pounds lighter and when i think iam about to achieve this, something happens and i end up failing in the end..
Iam not answering my phone now to anybody that calls me, cause i just don't have the strentgh to talk with anyone to open my heart to anyone anymore..Yes i come into the group and post like nothing is wrong, but thats all an act so that i don't have to tell my friends my real feelings and emotions..When mom calls or my sis calls i just pretend everything is fine with me, i know that sounds awful but i cannot stand them worrying about me anymore, i hate always not having anything positive to tell them about my life....Seeing a theripist or putting me on drugs again is not gonna cure me either, i told my doctor this, i know whats wrong with me, just cannot find a way out of it all ...
What happened to my life, where did this all go wrong for me..??Why did i allow my life to end up this way..??
I have been told so many times that only you can control where your life goes, well if that is so true then i must want my life to be a failure cause thats what is going on right now..
Just wish i could understand why i choose to live like this and why i cannot just change things around for the better...I feel so alone all the time, even with my son and bf here i still feel alone inside my heart...Nobody knows this but every night for the past few months now i sit in my room and cry myself to sleep, for so many reasons..Their hasnt been a night i havent cried, or felt alone..I hate being this fake person inside, but showing my real self means alot of people will not like me much..Someone said to me one time that the only reason i have friends is cause iam ill and they feel bad for me , now even if that isnt true those words have stuck with me anyways, i think of those words so much lately.. wondering what if i wasnt so ill, would people still care about me or even talk with me...I know that sounds silly but its how i feel inside.. I havent felt like doing anything anymore, i dont chat like i use to or work in psp as much, my painting has completely stopped, and i havent even been selling my Avon either, just don't have the drive like i use to..When will things change for me?, when will i feel special again?,When will i be healthy again to enjoy the rest of my life?.Or am i desent to be like this the remainder of my life??Does anyone have the answers to this at all, cause iam at a complete lose for now..
Need to stop Son is getting up and dont need or want him knowing any of this..
Bye
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