(reposted 3/21 to make corrections)

 

Ethan's coming today.   And I feel a real 'need' to spend some time with him.   I need to go back to that time of innocence.... when there is no evil in the world... and when there are no bad thoughts inside.... there are no bad feelings towards one's self.   I need to revisit that time of innocence and purity... when life is just.... life... an adventure to be explored and learned...and everything is good.   I titled today's greeting 'Self Punishment' because that is what came out during my prayers this morning when I was asking for inner healing, to be set free from various inner things... to stop denying my self my life....to stop punishing myself by not letting myself enjoy my life.   Self punishment.   It kind of caught me by surprise.    I can look back and see I've done that a lot over the years.   I don't know why.   I don't know what childhood events or conversations embedded in me the belief that I was 'less than'....  but's it's been there, and it's cost me soooo many years that should have been spent laughing more, being more productive with my time and talents.   But something deep inside me always stops myself just when I get to the place where I'm ready to move forward.    And thinking about Ethan, and the joy of watching his innocence from the non-responsible position of just being a doting, loving grandmother.... I now wonder just when all the negative messages start getting programmed into an infant's or young child's mind?   If Ethan is told 'no' a little too harshly, he just breaks out in this wailing cry as if someone had hit him.   It doesn't last long... but,  what is he feeling?   What is his little mind, that has no words recorded in it yet, thinking?   Is he 'wounded' in some way... is he starting to learn to feel bad about himself already at less than a year old for reaching to touch something he should not touch?    How often do we tell someone 'I'm sorry'.... for things we didn't even do?   How often do we feel bad about ourselves... just because of what someone else says or implies about our choices, our likes and dislikes, our dreams and goals?     And where do these negative choices come from....to make fun of someone's choice of dress, or hairstyle, or home decor, etc...   What is it in us that makes us think it's not only okay, but necessary to say things that would attempt to make another person feel 'wrong' about being who they are?  Where does the sense of 'authority to judge' come from?      As I watch Ethan wake up smiling at the world... just happy to greet the day... my whole insides smile with him.   What makes him smile so much I wonder some times?      And how sad is the day that comes... when a human being wakes up dreading to face the day that has arrived.   When the smile fades away to the past.   Self punishment.  Self denial.   There is none of that in Ethan's mind or soul or heart at this time.   I hope that I can re-learn from him what it's like to just be happy 'being',  existing.... and not feeling bad for it in any way.      Most of the bad habits, things from the past are gone... because of all the love and kindness I've recieved from so many on the OWBBII, and now here.   But old habits die hard.   And I'm determined to make a total break of the habits that cause me to stop myself from actually using the crafts books and the sewing machine and the cookbooks.   I've made so much progress.   Awareness will do that.   Knowledge will do that.   And getting fed good thoughts, kind thoughts will do that.    But along with eliminating the negative programming, I must replace it with the positive.   Ethan's visit will help me to do that.   Ethan's smiles and joy for life will help me remember how to feel those things from the depth of my soul again.   Ethan's expample will be a great teacher.      Which makes me realise... maybe we have the whole 'learning' thing backwards.   Maybe the adults need to focus on learning from the child, instead of teaching the child adult ways and attitudes.     So, no self punishment this weekend.  Just pure laughter and joy!   I have finally learned I have a right to have those things.   And what better place to get them than from a grandchild.        May God bless your day with self love.     Hugs, Grace