Am I strong ?...... I really do not know for sure. I try to be. And I feel it for fleeting moments.... but then other moments.... I feel like giving up completely on everything ... ending it all. Some moments it just all seems so hopeless, and so worthless... and so impossible to succeed.... Some moments I feel like such a total loser, completely worthless, of no use to anyone really.. except in my dreams....
I know I am really truly blessed in so many ways, compared to the horrible sufferenings of so many other women all over the world... and yet... my life is also so very empty... so hollow.... so invisible.... with nothing really to show for having been on this earth for 55 years....
It hit me hard this morning as I started filling out an application for Walmart on-line. It came to the place where it asked for 2 personal references of people I had worked with or volunteered with..... and I could only come up with one name. My previous Tupperware manager. Fifty-five years old, 32 years in a marriage... and I don't even have 2 people to list as a reference. It's like I've never even really existed... no proof of who I am in a way. And I just felt so very worthless at that point. A job application can sum up one's life pretty quickly... and it can look pretty desperate and empty.
Part of me has such high hopes and big dreams.... and another part of me feels like I am walking on a tight-rope. And in one split second one wrong move will send me crashing to the ground, and all will be over and lost. There's no room for error. There's nothing to fall back on. I have proved over and over and over I do not know how to take care of money and protect myself financially. I have failed myself over and over and over and over... and I'm so tired of falling short of good, better, and best. I'm so tired of making mistakes, and doing things wrong.
I have to be different, I have to think different, I have to do different.... if I am to have any chance at all of getting anything different and better than my past choices have gotten me.
How many times do we have to keep making the same wrong choices and mistakes before we finally snap and get wise to what we are doing and stop ourselves from doing it?
I'm suffering from feeling like I do not have any "identity". I'm unknown... and I did that to myself. I have no one to blame but myself.
It's like I just have absolutely nothing to show for being on this earth for 55 years. And I have nothing to show personally for being connected to Robin for 32 years... no friendships made in all that time. Because his character and temper etc. were often an embarrasment to me over the years and I often never wanted to ask people over, because of him. I've lived in this area all my life, went to school here... and still, have no connections to show for it. It's as if I was a stranger here... not someone who was born and raised here. And that just seems so sad to me.... that I did that to my life.
I told God this afternoon that I absolutely have to make it.... if for no other reason, than because there are other women worse off than I am... and they need to be shown that it is possible to survive when there isn't anyone else around to help. So I want to go through whatever struggle is necessary... to pave a path for others to follow and to give them hope.
Strong? I don't know. However... I do have such a fighting spirit within me. I've fought to survive and to stay alive for most of my life in one way or another. Not to succeed or get ahead... just to live... with head barely above the water most of the time.
I'm out of Robin's shadow, out of his sphere of influence and control... and I'm learning to think for myself.... form new and different opinions about people... trying to break old thought habits of the past... learning how to keep myself open to let people into my life and into my world, and to be willing to enter into theirs. Taking down the walls of separation and isolation.
Not being able to fill out that job application today really hurt....and showed me the reality of just how empty my life had been for the last several years. It was a major dose of reality. I'm not going to live that way anymore...ever. A suffocating, and isolationist kind of love-relationship.... is a form of mental abuse I will not put myself through ever again. Feeling like a nobody... is more painful than anything I've felt in this experience. It crushes the soul. And that is a pain worse than a broken heart in my opinion.
I do so want to be strong. Some days it's just a little more difficult to achieve. With an attitude adjustment brought on from the application fiasco, I had a good day at my job... and I have a renewed hope for my being able to make a success of it. I really have no other choice. No one else would hire me with my horrible and very empty employment record, and lack of education and experience.
I have a job. And I am grateful for it. It really is an amazing blessing... because I really don't see how I could have gotten any other job.
And now this working girl needs to get to bed. I"m tired... but no longer weary. I'll be ok...
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