even though you probably don't think so.
I have watched the phone every day for over a month now...
...waiting to see if either of my kids would bother to wonder
how I was doing, would care to know if I was ok, or if I was even still alive.
The phone has been silent.
No calls from anyone at all during that time.
Do you have any idea how much I have been hurting
over the last few months?..first with the pain of the divorce itself,
and then with the added pain of learning about the narcissisim,
and coming to terms with what a total lie our whole marriage had been?
and then dealing with grandma moving back to the house.. and
therefore making the whole last year amount to a total waste of time and effort?
Does my suffering even matter to either of you at all?
I have been feeling like I do not matter to anybody.
Do you have any idea what that feels like?
Put it all together... add in the struggle of learning to
be a working person, and the physical and mental fatigue of it all,
and the result is I have been in hell for most of the last few months.
But then, I finally began to see it all in a new light.
It's not about you anymore, or anyone else for that matter.
It's about me.
And I realised what I was experiencing was simply
that I was becoming like all of you have always been...
... living my own life.
And I finally disconnected from the past enough
to be able to mentally comprehend that is an ok thing to do.
My thoughts, my world, my priorties revolved
around everyone elses schedules and needs for the most
part of my life. And now... there's just me. And
that took a lot of mental adjusting to get straight in my head.
And I've had to learn to delete old thought habits out of my brain.
And I've had to learn to record new ones.... new thoughts that
in the past were always crowded out and not allowed, for one reason
or another. For the fist time in my life I'm really totally free to be "me"..
and it's been difficult to allow myself to do that. I'm however starting to
get the hang of it.. and I totally love it. Easy? No. But that's just
part of life.. and I'm daily adjusting my attitudes and relearning new
thought patterns... and getting stronger.
I'm your mom. And I'll always be your mom, and I'll always love you.
However... who I am to you has changed.
My heart's wish is that you will be able to think of me as a
separate adult.. someone you care to know as a person,
just for who she is...and not for what you need from her.
You both are adults. You are no longer needy children...and I
can no longer relate to you in that way.
I'm no longer the person set aside on this earth
to make sure you are ok and happy.
That's your job to do for yourself.
And it's now also my job to do it for myself.
Shanna... I sensed as soon as I got to your house on the
4th of july that something was wrong, and that you were not
happy to see me. Then I find out it wasn't even your idea for me
to be invited there. And, it also had hurt that you never took my calls.
Michael... you told me yourself (in so many words) that you seldom
bother to think about us or wonder how we are doing, that you didn't see
the need to do so.
Then I get a call...
... asking if you all could stay at my apt. only because
Michael doesn't want to be around all the kids.
Now.. you both tell me... how happy I should have been about that?
It was not a call of "hey mom.. we'd love to spend some time with you
and see how you are doing..."
You simply needed a place to crash... during the weekend of
meeting Sandra on top of it. That whole weekend was not at all
about me.. it was about Dad and Sandra... and yet, I was to be considered
basically as a place to be used as a hotel.
"I" did not matter...as a person.
Not then, and not for much of the past 31 years of
my life living with a narcissist who only really loves himself.
So... here we are...a broken family all around.
Needing to learn to form some kind of new
relationships with each other.
I want to be cared about as a person.
I want someone to care about my life...(now that I actually have one, and
am not just a shadow of someone elses world)
And yes...I know and understand that you both have your
own issues to sort out and deal with in all of this. I'm well aware there are anger issues on your end
about all of this. I've been rather angry myself about a lot of things
since I learned about the narcissism.
And that just adds to my pain, knowing what he's done to you both as
well, in the way he's done all of this.
So... how do we do this?
How do we get though all this?
And how do we learn to relate to each other as individual adults now?
I have no idea. I'm still working on learning to be one.
I was a co-dependent, weak-minded person controlled by
someone elses dictates for 31 years, (by my choice.)
Being a strong, mature, self-sufficient adult is a new thing for me,
and the learning process has been very painful and scary.
And I've had to do it totally on my own, without getting any emotional
support or comforting or encouragement from anyone.
All humans need to be cared about and loved.
I've given that to the two of you all of your lives.
I now need the same in return.
Maybe you don't have it in you to give.
Maybe if I'm not there simply to fulfill your needs,
maybe you won't have any use for me in your life.
I've come to terms with that possibility.
However... underneath it all, I do still love you both, very much.
And just in case we don't get things fixed, I wanted you both to know that.
I can no longer be just someone you think of as a source
of meeting your needs, making you happy,
or healing your hurts and wounds.. although I will always want to do that.
It's what mom's do, forever.
After learning about narcissism...
I can now no longer settle for only one-way giving to others,
or one-way relationships.
I no longer focus only on someone else.
I am a person.
I have a life.
And it's going to be a great life in time..
...one I'd love to be able to share with my kids.
Question for each of you to answer for yourself is...
Is my life, outside of your own world, of any interest to you?
If so, you are both most welcome to be a part of it.
I want you to be a part of my world, my life.
I can no longer just be part of your world or life.
That's not enough for me anymore.
I lived that kind of life for 31 years.
I deserve better, and won't settle for less anymore.
It's up to you.
Just know, that no matter what you decide...
I always have, and always will love you both
and I will always care about your well-being and happiness.
I miss you both,
Love,
Mom
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