"I'm a mistake". At leastthat is what I have always believed inside about myself. The
internalized belief came floating up in tears a bit ago as I began my day sitting on the edge of my bed praying about my life...and again
going over past mistakes I made that are costing me now. Never seeming to ever be able to get away from drowning in confessions
and remorse and condemnation about myself and my choices. And wishing I could stop making those mistakes, I lamented out loud to God in tears that I was "tired of paying the consequences of my mistakes".... and then suddenly the next sentence formed in my head
out of no where.... "I'm tired of being a mistake."
I sat stunned in silence for a bit... because I had no idea that I "really" really felt that way inside about myself. But then I
remembered my mother telling me at an early age that I was a mistake....me and my brother were both mistakes she said. She did
not plan on having anymore kids....
And as I faced the reality of that internalized belief I just sat on the bed and cried for a little bit, feeling the pain... as that
belief floated its way out of my inner belief system.
Sometimes splinters hurt worse coming out, than when they first went in. And so it is with getting 'junk' out of our mental and emotional
belief system. It will hurt for a bit on its way out when facing the truths we harbor inside ... but then its gone forever...never again to be a part of the definition of who we are.
Part of me always knew I had that 'feeling' about myself, and I
fought it the best I could at times. But I could "profess" till I'm blue in the face for years that I'm not a mistake. The thing is, simply
professing it does not suffice to eliminate the true inner "belief". And as long as that deep, deeply hidden belief was down in there...buried...and operational.... it was able to affect my life.... keep me tied to it. A "mistake".... does not have a good life, does not qualify for good things in life... and most certainly does not deserve love, or forgiveness. A mistake means it wasn't supposed to exist.
So, instead of good growth and good things, life served as a means to consistently try to "erase" evidence that this mistake of 'me' existed. Maybe that's the real reason I spent so much time in depression... and becoming more and more invisible and non-existent over the years... an extended, on-going act of erasing the mistake of my existence.
A lot of wrong internal messages have been floating up lately....on
their way out, permanently. So I think I'm getting to the core of things now, that have in the past had the main controls of my life and my choices.
It's Spring time... time for New Life, and New Growth to take place.
And for the last few weeks I've been asking God to do the growing in me. To water, feed, nurish this "plant" called "me".... because He is the only one that can protect and allow this living thing to even exist.
As I water my plants these days.... I say a prayer for myself,
that God will do something to keep me alive too.. and that He will
allow me to grow, and blossom, and bloom into the fullness of
whatever it is I'm designed to grow and be. I've been a paltry little
wilted thing for so long now... a plant hugging the ground almost dead.
The disease called "mistake" has been killed off now. It can't hurt
me anymore. Hopefully some major good growth can start to take place now. Winter is past. It's soon Spring. It's time to live.
I'm not a mistake.
Because God does not make mistakes. And He is the one who planted me here. And His decision overrides what my parents
did or did not want. 
From now on, I'll live by God's labels for me.
Just like Jeni says:
little grace there, walking around in a huge world of beauty and wonder, the world is hers for the taking................
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