the world is hers for the taking..........
.......
Sometimes the thing we most need, the thing we most want, the thing we are destined
to have... is beyond our sight, beyond our reach, like in the picture, where we can't see what is on the other side of the crest of the hill. We won't know what is waiting to be ours for the mere taking until we take the steps needed to climb the path and walk it all the way to get to what waits for us beyond our sight.
Tonight, just a few minutes ago, I made it to the top of the hill and saw what was waiting for me. It was me. The real me. The me I've searched for for so many years now but who seemed to always be just beyond one thing or another... out of reach, and always sinking back down out of sight as soon as I got close to finding her.
From the souls point of view, the struggling caterpillar has found her butterfly wings... and she is free to fly now. The battle is over, and has been won.
The struggle, the on-going battle for years, that until this last year I was not even aware I was in a fight about... was between the person I believed I was "supposed" to be, the person I thought I "should" be, the person I believed I "had" to be in order to be "correct", or "right"... and the person I AM. My real, authentic self.
The battle was confusing... because I at time thought that the 'real' self that was trying to come out into existence... was a false self, someone I made up, and wished for, but who maybe wasn't really supposed to exist. And so I fought with all my might.... to be the wrong person all these years. And the only reason I never succeeded is because my true, authentic self turned out to be one hell of a strong dame!.... and she would not let me go willingly into the night, without a fight.
I'm rambling, because I'm on such a high about it.... and I'm searching within to find the right words to describe what happened that it all became revealed to me just now....
I was sitting on the sofa, crying after watching some love scenes on various things on tv, crying after having read one of the loving e-mails between Robin and Sandra.... and hurting because he wasn't loving towards me the way he is with her right now. And I cried over the memories of the good parts of us... and I cried as I sat telling myself... "this is what YOU wanted".... "YOU made this choice"..... "YOU wanted out"..... and I cried over the memories of how I was not able to be the devoted, adoring wife that he craves and needs, and she is, and the suddenly, out of the blue it just BAM, hit me full force.... that I couldn't be that kind of wife... because, that is not who I AM! It's not ME. And I suddenly realised all along I was playing the 'dutiful' role, of what I thought I was "supposed" to be.
And more to the point..... all the times I got upset with him, it was for not doing the things I needed him to do to help me be the kind of wife I "thought" I was supposed to be... the false, and incorrect person. I was so imprisoned by the need to be "correct", according to what others and society dictated a wife should be, that since I could not be on my own what I really wasn't...I needed him to help me. I was sitting on the couch saying that very thing... that if he'd just have met me half way, I could have been the kind of wife he needed... but that I couldn't do it on my own....
And that's when the huge lightbulb went off... and the tears, and struggle, and pain stopped instantly. I had the thought.... "Because that is not ME!"
I sat on the sofa stunned, and felt as if I was finally looking fully at my real self... no masks of any kind anymore. I was able to finally admit the deep, dark, inner secret that had been the battle I waged for so long.... I was not rebelling against being the kind of wife I'd hated seeing other women be. The "real" me was simply fighting to exist!
It's kind of like looking at a row of mirrors reflecting back your self over and over..
know what I mean.... each image only another reflection of a "reflection"... not of the
origional, real you standing in front of the mirror. And now, it's a matter of seeing only the real me... not a false reflection.
I've been fighting only against my SELF all these years.... it's all so clear to me now.
Fighting my own false, incorrect image... the "supposed to be" titles and rules put
into us by other people.... images and information we pick up along the way and
somehow adopt for our own beliefs, without really realising we are doing it.
The "real" me did not want to be the "good, perfect, adoring wife".
The false me did... and only because she felt she "had" to be that way.
But the real me rebelled in whatever way possible to 'save myself'.
Oh how many times over the years did I ask God... "which is the real me????"
... "are my dreams only temptations, leading me to sin...??.... "or are my dreams
and desires the 'real' me trying to get out???". I just found it so difficult to
tell the two apart.
Until tonight, when it just suddenly came out and to the surface....
Well... not really suddenly. I've been praying for this moment for the last
couple of weeks now.... that's what all this "turmoil" has been from lately... 'truth' bubbling up to the surface to be seen, and hear, and admitted and accepted and
acknowledged and received.
This 'flower' is now free to grow, and to bloom.... because now she is finally
free to become her true, fully authentic self. Her real self. No more struggles
with "shoulds" of any kind.
I was "willing" to be the good, faithful, dutiful wife...to the wrong man.... because
I was trained along the way that is what I was supposed to be.
I'm rambling , and I know I'm repeating my self..... I'm just trying to get all the
analogies written down out of my head..... trying to get it all recorded before I
get to far past the magic of the moment.
There really are no words to describe this amazing moment of truth, and what
"clarity of mind" really feels like. It's almost overwhelming... such a good, clean
feeling... when the struggle is finally ended and over, and there remains only
inner peace with yourself and who you are.
"It's not me."..... 
How often we women can easily say that about a dress, or piece of jewelry etc...
we try something on and instantly dislike it and put it back with the exclamation... "it's not me".
Yet we wear a "false self" that really "is not me".... because someone else somewhere along the path of our life said that is "who" we are supposed to be, and how we are supposed to act, and how we are supposed to think and believe.
Can you throw caution to the wind and say 'No more.' ? And say freely and simply, and softly....... "that's not me." ... ?
I was hurting lately because Sandra is being the kind of wife to Robin that he needs and wants.... that I "wanted" to be...and tried to be and couldn't, and she is getting from him what I wanted to get. I just could not figure out how come she was able to do it, and I wasn't! It really hurt at times. But now I know that the total, honest truth is....being that kind of wife... it's not me. That's all there is to it. And I'm not going to feel bad about that anymore. Yes, I failed. I failed at trying to be
something I was not at all designed to be!
That's probably the real reason why I was so depressed and suicidal near the end of my marriage.... because the real me really was almost dead. I really was dieing. Because I was living a lie, or trying to. No more.
Now I am free to succeed.... at being me!
I'm beyond the top of the hill now... and I see the wonderful view of my life
waiting up ahead.....
....... the world is hers for the taking.
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