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| | From:  Grace· (Original Message) | Sent: 6/10/2006 7:19 PM |
|  ... Hey there ladies!.... New page here for you.
This thread is for posting any "written" stories, poems, jokes etc. that will make us smile or laugh....not pictures or gifs. We all need an extra smile-maker on some days. Some people get lots of things in their e-mails that can be posted onto here for us all to enjoy. So when you see something somewhere else that made you smile or laugh or feel a little 'lighter' please share it here with us.  Thanks! Hugs, Grace | |
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A's for arthritis,
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains - perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show...
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus - there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary... big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry - NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found;
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind. |
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Thanksgiving Divorce
A man in <ST1:CITY w:st="on">Phoenix</ST1:CITY> calls his son in <ST1:STATE w:st="on"><ST1:PLACE w:st="on">New York</ST1:PLACE> </ST1:STATE>the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in <ST1:CITY w:st="on"><ST1:PLACE w:st="on">Chicago</ST1:PLACE> </ST1:CITY>and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls <ST1:CITY w:st="on"><ST1:PLACE w:st="on">Phoenix</ST1:PLACE> </ST1:CITY>immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way." |
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that was so funny, whatever it takes |
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MY NEW PARROT
Recently I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, 'May I ask what the turkey did?' HAPPY THANKSGIVING! |
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A Christmas Tree
One little star on the top of the tree,
Two little presents underneath for me,
Three silver ropes twisted around the tree,
Four colored lights shining prettily,
Five shining balls flowing silvery.
Oh, what a sight for use to see!
I heard the bells, on Christmas Day
-By Henry Longfellow
I heard the bells, on Christmas Day,
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men. |
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Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or hump it.
Piss on it and walk away. |
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| | | From: Grace* | Sent: 1/16/2008 3:08 AM |
My sister sent this in an e-mail. Just had to share the laughter here...especially the end! Subject: Consider Yourself Warned
WARNING FOR WOMEN
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. Well, this kind of cruel theft is happening with other body parts as well! My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick.
The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
Then the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.
But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to g ive up my jeans in favour of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arms swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee!
Those "plastic" surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something "lifted", look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX.
This is happening to women everywhere every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them safely hidden in my waistband.
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| | | From: Grace* | Sent: 1/16/2008 3:17 AM |
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
All answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect? I really like this one!
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could chang e one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd GET rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING -- SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AUNTS and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!! |
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| | | From: Grace* | Sent: 3/7/2008 11:17 AM |
THIS IS SO FUNNY.... Hope it makes you laugh. Just found it on another group.... Valentine's Day Cab Ride
We were dressed and ready to go out for Valentine's Day. We turned on a night light, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife ran out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid witch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.....
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It sure made me laugh, wonderful. |
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To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper. I kin Type
realee
qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person. I no my
spelling is not too good.
My salerery is open, I kin start emeditely. Thank yoo in advanse
fore yore
anser.
Sinseerly,
BRYAN
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
Employer's response:...
Dear Bryan,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check.
See you Monday.
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uuuummmmmmm he must have looked like this,huh |
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| | | From: Grace* | Sent: 3/18/2008 3:10 AM |
Banned from Wal-Mart
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away.'
3. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
4. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. < BR>
5. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
6. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
7. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
8. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
9. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
10. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
11. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
12. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least.
13. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
Regards,
Tom Richards
Wal-Mart Manager
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