"Michael Moore, Mr. Controversy, is upset because his new film 'Farenheit 911' got an 'R' rating for showing graphic footage. But to be fair, it does show a couple of close-ups of Michael Moore." —Craig Kilborn<o:p></o:p>

"Republican pollster Robert Teeter has died at age 65. He'll be missed by 80 percent of his family and 35 percent of his friends" —Craig Kilborn<o:p></o:p>

"Bill Clinton's official portrait was unveiled at the White House yesterday. Don't kid yourself, there's already trouble. Yesterday, Clinton's portrait was caught hitting on Dolly Madison's portrait." —David Letterman<o:p></o:p>

"Yesterday at a White House ceremony, the official portrait of President Clinton was unveiled. Apparently, Clinton's portrait is so realistic that Hillary immediately started yelling at it." —Conan O'Brien<o:p></o:p>

"Yesterday at the White House they unveiled the official portrait of Bill Clinton. It's very classy. It's on black velvet." —Jay Leno<o:p></o:p>

"The Bushes hosted their predecessors at the White House yesterday, for the official unveiling of Bill and Hillary Clinton's White House portraits. The occasion moved the current commander in chief to a rare show of gracious bi-partisanship. ... Bush then handed the mic over to Clinton. It's been a long time since this skilled orator spoke in the White House. I'm sure he's got some profound words to share ... [clip of Clinton: 'All those kind and generous you said, made me feel like I was a pickle stepping into history.'] ... Uhhh, I don't get that at all. As a matter fact, if I remember correctly, your pickle's already stepped into history." —Jon Stewart<o:p></o:p>

"There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" —Craig Kilborn<o:p></o:p>

"In a recent interview, John Kerry was asked to describe his wife in three words. Not surprisingly, Kerry responded, 'My meal ticket.'" —Conan O'Brien<o:p></o:p>

"Former President George Bush marked his 80th birthday by jumping out of a plane. In a related story, O.J. Simpson marked the 10th anniversary of the murders by jumping out of the bushes." —Jay Leno<o:p></o:p>

"Rush Limbaugh and his third wife has broken up. Apparently, she came home early and found him with their pharmacist." —Jay Leno<o:p></o:p>

"Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's not the only Bush in freefall." —David Letterman<o:p></o:p>

"Former President Bush parachuted with an Army Ranger holding him so he wouldn't get hurt on his 80th birthday. This is the same method they use when his son rides a bike." —Craig Kilborn<o:p></o:p>

"The first President Bush �?the real one �?celebrated his 80^th birthday over the weekend, and in case you haven't heard, he went skydiving. He was strapped to the back of a secret service guy. Does it really count as a jump when you're essentially a fanny pack on some Navy SEAL? It's like calling a mouse shot into space an astronaut." —Jimmy Kimmel<o:p></o:p>

"President Bush welcomed Bill and Hillary Clinton back to the White House for the unveiling of Bill's official portrait. There are two firsts involved. It's the first presidential portrait ever painted by an African-American artist. And it's the first presidential portrait to feature full-frontal nudity." —Jay Leno<o:p></o:p>

"Bill Clinton's new memoir has already had orders for 1.5 million copies. In fact, it's already in its third printing. The first two were stained." —David Letterman<o:p></o:p>

"The State Department released a memo saying terrorism has gone down. It turns out, the only reason they came up with that information is because of a mathematical error. A mathematical error, isn't that how Bush became president?" —David Letterman<o:p></o:p>

"The Bush administration is testing something called the Registered Travelers Program. This allows travelers to bypass the security lines and checkpoints at airports by agreeing to a fee and a background check. Boy, that's a great idea. A separate line for rich people �?I'm surprised the Republicans thought of that." —Jay Leno<o:p></o:p>

"The Bush administration said Saudi Arabia needs to do more to help in the war on terror. Yeah, like fight on our side." —Jay Leno<o:p></o:p>

"Rush Limbaugh and his wife are divorcing and experts say this could get ugly. I'm confused, are they splitting up or having sex?" —Craig Kilborn<o:p></o:p>

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive <o:p></o:p>

Jokes for the Week of June 6-12<o:p></o:p>

"When you think about Ronald Reagan, he really did the impossible. He brought honor to two dishonorable professions �?politics and show business." —Jay Leno<o:p></o:p>

"Out of respect to Ronald Reagan, John Kerry suspended his presidential campaign for the week. Unfortunately for Kerry, no one could tell." —Conan O'Brien<o:p></o:p>

"John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, he's ahead in the polls. How's that make him feel? Disappears for a week and he's up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding." —Jay Leno<o:p></o:p>

"President Bush has Saddam Hussein's firearm at his desk at the White House. But, of course, he's not the first president to hide a piece in the Oval Office." —David Letterman<o:p></o:p>

"According to a new poll, 53 percent of Americans say the war in Iraq was not justified. The other 47 percent say, 'There's a war in Iraq?'" —Jay Leno<o:p></o:p>

"This week in Baghdad, four people were arrested for pretending to be journalists. I'll tell you, this has got all the people over at Fox News nervous." —Jay Leno<o:p></o:p>

"I've been watching the news all day and these ceremonies and services for President Reagan are really quite touching and dignified, don't you think? See I wonder if it will be that way for future presidents? Like years from now can you imagine President Clinton's funeral. Hundreds of women throwing themselves on top of the casket." —Jay Leno<o:p></o:p>

"We really don't have leaders who speak as well as Ronald Reagan anymore. He had a simple direct way of telling you something. Like when he just came out and called the Soviet Union 'the evil empire' you know what he meant. Can you imagine Bush trying to do that? You know he'd screw it up, he'd say something like 'we have to defeat the medieval vampire.'" —Jay Leno<o:p></o:p>

"According to the New York Times, last year White House lawyers concluded that President Bush could legally order interrogators to torture and even kill people in the interest of national security �?so if that's legal, what the hell are we charging Saddam Hussein with?" —Jay Leno<o:p></o:p>

"Have you been touched by the outreach of love and affection people have been showing for President Reagan? As I was watching the retrospectives on his life and career I'm thinking probably the most famous thing President Reagan ever said was to Mikhail Gorbachev, when he said 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.' I was trying to imagine how the candidates of today would have dealt with the Berlin Wall. Like Ralph Nader would have been concerned about the environmental impact of tearing down the wall. John Kerry would have taken it down a few feet. And President Bush would have said, 'Wall, what wall?'" —Jay Leno<o:p></o:p>

"CIA Director George Tenet resigned last week. Here's the sad part, the FBI just found out today." —Jay Leno<o:p></o:p>

"John Ashcroft testified before Congress that President Bush is against torture. Yes, he's against torture. Except when it comes to the English language." —David Letterman<o:p></o:p>

"Attorney General John Ashcroft told Congress they shouldn't be asking him about the legality of the war until the war is over. And there's precedent for that �?I think it's called the Nuremberg Trials." —Jay Leno<o:p></o:p>

"In honor of President Reagan, Senator John Kerry has suspended his campaign for five days. Ralph Nader has also suspended his campaign. Not because of Reagan, he just doesn't have any supporters." —Jay Leno<o:p></o:p>

"I guess the people I feel worst for are Carter and Ford. Because they have to be watching all this thinking, we're not getting that." —Jon Stewart, on media coverage of Ronald Reagan's death<o:p></o:p>

"The head of the CIA, George Tenet, resigned last week. He didn't want to resign, but when you don't have any credible intelligence, you don't really need a director." —Jay Leno<o:p></o:p>

"Prosecutors are having a difficult time building a case against Saddam Hussein. I'll tell you something, the guy is smart. See, when he tortured people, he didn't take snapshots." —David Letterman<o:p></o:p>

"President Bush met with the Pope in Rome. Did you see the picture of the two of them? Man, that poor guy, he has a blank look on his face like he doesn't know where he is. Then, the Pope told him, just be quiet and relax." —David Letterman<o:p></o:p>

"President Bush has returned after remembering D-Day. Or, as it was known in his house, report card day." —Jay Leno<o:p></o:p>

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive <o:p></o:p>

Jokes for the Weeks of May 23-June 5<o:p></o:p>

"There is good news tonight for Ahmed Chalabi. It turns out that all along he was providing accurate, truthful, helpful information. Unfortunately, it was to Iran." —Jon Stewart<o:p></o:p>

"President Bush has been campaigning around the country and today the crowd got so pumped up they started chanting, 'Four more wars, four more wars.'" —Craig Kilborn<o:p></o:p>

"President Bush is leaving Washington for a long vacation. I'm sorry that's November's joke." —Craig Kilborn<o:p></o:p>