This is more of a vent, then an update.....but seems I had stuff brewing on the inside and it decided to come out. (Yes, I am back in counseling).
Anyway, some of you know that this year started off horrible with the death of my grandson. Then I had, what I thought to be a close friend, steal from me (she was an addict who was off the wagon....although I didn't know she was and thought she wanted help). This was during the time my grandson's wake and funeral was happening.
Then, one of my best friends lost his mother. I wanted to help him with his loss, and not sure I was much of a help, as I was still grieving myself. He said me just being there helped, but I am not sure. I question myself allot.
I also had a roommate who didn't pay rent or expenses. She was a co-worker, making the same amount of money as I did, but she claimed when she came over to my place that she was only going to stay at the most 2 months, and that she would split things half and half. She also said she was in bad money trouble (Silly me thought I could help her) Well, the 2 months turned into a year, and month after month I heard excuse after excuse and I just couldn't afford to feed her (and her son on every other weekend...she had those times for visitation/custody, but he lived with his dad) and pay higher bills because she was there. Anyway....she was offended when I brought it up, about her paying me. And why I would make a friend struggle when I was suppose to be the one trying to help.
Thank Goodness, I didn't feel guilty (much)....but I wrote her a letter and a few months later (one year by this time) she found a place of her own.
March wasn't so good for me. That is when I went into the fibro flare. Don't know if it was from stress or not (I had enough in my life), but, either way, I had to stop working and am now bringing in half of my normal salary. Not even sure when I will get back to work, because there isn't a day that goes by without me in pain. The thing is that is it tolerable so I can go to the store a few hours, or is it excrusiating and have to lay in bed with the heating pad all day. Thank Goodness the doctor just said I can go back to the pain clinic. I have hope in that.
Other friends who I thought were my friends have turned their back on me (from my church) because I left my stbx. They still keep in touch with my stbx.And they know the situation about the abuse, just think I was wrong for leaving. Funny how you find out who your friends really are through adverse times. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. Or make me understand how loving people can be so hypocritical.
Another very close friend, got in a serious car accident, and is now not working because of the injuries. I know I can't do anything but listen, and I am, but, I am asking WHY these things keep happening so much.
Anyway, towards the end of the year, my niece went missing. She is from my stbx's side, but because we were married for 30 years, I still have feelings for some of the people in his family and she was one of the people. My kids loved her, and she was one of "the good ones". Well, last tuesday, her mother found her remains, by the creek on her property. I don't know much details other then the remains are thought to be my niece. Clothing along with the skeletal remains leads them to believe it's her. They are doing forensic testing, but, even without testing, we all know in our hearts it's her. Just another sad thing.....that a 30 year old women....gone.
I am probably rambling on...I have been questioning everything lately...but needed to get this out of me, and also, to maybe explain, why my head has been in space allot. I know that isn't an excuse, maybe just a reason.
Anyway, for all of us who have had things happen, it is part of life, and life goes on. I am not sure why so much at one time (seems like it never stopped this year....went from one to another to another.....not sure I even got over one before something else happened).
My goal is for 2006 to be a better year. For me to spend time with my children and grandchildren. To nuture the friendships that support me and my views and to end or distant myself from those who don't. To find another church. To get healthy and go back to work and if I can't, to work from home. And to be the most positive best, damn me I can be.
Love you all, HUGS Angeleyes 
P.S. I am usually very positive, but didn't feel so positive today.
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