I have thought and thought about the self image reflections some people have been doing. I've really struggled with mine lately. Things are shifting and it's difficult to make myself stand in front of a mirror. The hardest part for me are the tummy folds and the jowls and the paleness. The jowls aren't bad YET but I have pictures of my father's mother and I am definitely a Cole. Being fat in this day and age is common. It's not accepted or talked about readily. We shield ourselves by saying we are heavy, or tall - we hide it well. I've always been so thankful I wasn't short - all my girls are tiny - 5'3" and under and I am so sorry for what I've done to their image compensating for my own.

I am 5'91/2", not quite 5'10" - I can remember being a girl and loving how my legs looked. How my calves were connected to my knees, turning and looking at myself. I remember holding a mirror to my private places so I could see them. I was all legs and arms and my breasts were NOT the 'pallette' they are now. I was underweight from not enough to eat, but it didn't stop me from admiring my changes.

I remember telling my mom I wanted to be a model. She responded with only sluts and whores are models. I went through high school at 5 ft 7, married not for love, but to escape my mother's 4th marriage to a penpal she'd known for 6 weeks. Greg was at least nice to me - 14 yrs my senior and an inch shorter than me... i became pregnant right off and I used to think it was some cruel joke that had me grow another 2.5 inches. My marriage never recovered. Not only did I gain 60 lbs, I became 3 1/2 in taller than a very insecure man. AND my feet grew to size 11's.

Not everything was fouled up, don't get me wrong - it's just that you don't don't get to explore your height or your curves when someone else thinks you should hide them. Kansas is 13 months younger than Vanessa. I gained 50 more lbs this time trying to follow Adele Davis's advise for nutrition. it was so important to me to not hurt my children by being pregnant and nursing at the same time. My ex was self employed and we had to have the babies at home because we couldn't afford the hospital with no insurance. I was always so thankful for my hips that everyone had made fun of - if they hadn't been wide I might have had serious troubles in the situation i was in. Today I wouldn't change a thing - but for years, what should have been a totally powerful experience was marred by someone else's crap.

Over the years my weight fluctuated, twice down, 20 times UP. I met Steve when I weighed 180 lbs - after a 60 lb loss and a divorce. I married Steve when I weighed 235. Today I am at 270 and feel better about myself than I ever have. I am not gonna ever be the thin filly in anyone's dreams - but i'm not a nightmare either. He told me from the beginning - he loves big feet - he loves tall women - he loves big breasts - he loves my big soft round ass and all the rest of the curves - it's me who pulls back marring the intimacy.

Last night I took pictures of myself. Mostly because i've begun susun Weed's Green Witch Correspondence course. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time. The second project says There is a tall covered mirror in front of me and I am to slowly pull the cover off and visualize myself 13 moons from now - then commit myself to my vision. I went a step further because of this line of thought we have all been contemplating - I took pictures of myself in that mirror. Naked pictures - so i could see what I really look like. I locked the door and took them of everything I wanted to be truthful about.

It may sound so stupid, but I am not what I fear. My feet are large, but they are nicely shaped with long toes... My breasts are pendulous but not ugly. My stomach has folds, my legs are still long and my ankles still shapely - my hands are still soft and the lines don't really matter I think. I am not my mother, or my father's mother or a whore or so awful I can't sleep naked next to my husband. It may never be that I can open myself fully and not hear the voices in my head. I work on it though - constantly.

This morning, I'm sure I'm ok. I can take my clothes off or leave them on - I will run outside in the rain again, naked, when the opportunity arises. I'm going to practice acceptance. I love the Lenoard Nimoy Full Body photos -  I think we often confuse how we look with who we are. We don't like one, so the other can't possibly be good either, right? We are whole packages... isn't that what we are taught? Maybe that's a lie too... maybe what we need to do is accept ourselves a piece at a time if that's what it takes. I want to accept all of me - internally is coming along -

Externally, I'm still trying to embrace the looks - the trimmings... I never liked my mouth - it's my father's mouth and my top lip is thin - but sometimes, my smile is my grandmother's and i really like it. I used to think my mother was prettier than Eve. My children told me I was pretty then struggled with how they looked. Vanessa doesn't like her nose - but she has stunning eyes - i married her father because that family had the most gorgeous eyes i'd ever seen. Kaiha is told she's quirky looking. she looks like me...she plays her beauty way down by hiding her face. I could enter a room and people KNEW I was Kansas's mother - no intro needed. Taryn has angular features and she is always told how much she looks like kansas- I keep telling her if she'd stop shaving her head people would never notice - She doesn't appreciate my humor. 

Will we find that self acceptace in our old age that eluded us in our youth? I sat with Steve's mom after every bath while I cared for her and squirted Oil of Olay into her hands. she was 86 and still protecting her skin. I loved watching her curled up fingers gently brush that cream onto her face then she'd wait for me to help her finish it up. She couldn't lift water to her lips, but she could smear that cream . . .

so . . . where do we take this from here? How do we get a grip as they say? Do we loose the weight? Do we not loose it and learn to accept it? I imagine we'd make quite a circle under a full moon - dancing and bouncing and lifting our faces to the sky. I've decided I'm going to draw myself - a nude. An honest pencil sketch - I'll let you know how it turns out.

I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life hiding who I am. Not one tiny bit of who I am - I'm not gonna go join a group either - lol

kisses to all... with eyes wide open

love ya

PS (I think the thing that is hardest for me these days is that the music i enjoy is classified as lullaby tunes on yahoo music... lol it's always something. oh the age thing...it's not the fat, it's the age. <SIGH>)  hear my gramma voice? She's always there. Find the balance honey. It's our job to find and hold the balance.