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So last week I finally took the plunge and started my first ever attempt at taking A.D.D. medication.
Vyvance, I think it's called.
My Dr started me on the lowest dosage available and I took it and WHAM, holy crap that stuff is strong. I was agitated, even broke out in hives. I was sweating, my heart was pounding.
Needless to say, the next day I poured half the powder from the capsule.
I also think it had contributed to my depression the other night -- you know, Jenn, the post I ended up deleting.
I think it's kind of making me feel really like crazy about things. Like I was getting really stressed about the election, etc.
ANYWAY, yesterday I took a lower dose but the highest one since day 1.
I was a little down, again, and up until almost 2 with insomnia and had to take valium to counteract the effects and try to sleep.
OK, so today I had a typing test for a great, GREAT job at the police department. It would be an excellent place to get into.
Typing minimum was 55 WPM and you had to take the test before applying.
This morning was my appointment for the typing test.
I type, on average, about 60 - 65 words per minute without pushing. Pushing, like in a test, I am usually between 65 and 69 with about 97 % accuracy.
Today, I go to the test. I freak. My hands are so sweaty. I am not just the normal anxious you would think you would be, normal for a timed test, but I like didn't even feel ready at all. Like overly nervous, when a typing test should and normally is the LEAST of my worries because I know I can type!
I failed.
I typed 45 words per minute and made 15 mistakes (you could not correct and got one shot only at the test, which I think is crap, anyway).
I was completely freaked. Sweating like a yeti. Honestly, before the test even started I was looking around the room to see what I could use as powder on my hands. They use that room as a break room, too, and there was non-dairy powdered creamer and I LITERALLY was going to put that on my hands but then decided not to get it all over the keyboard.
What the hell?
So I am really upset about that.
I didn't even take the damned medicine today.
It really amazes me that THIS STUFF IS WHAT KIDS take! This is the exact meds many kids get. And the doseage. And here I am breaking out in hives, can feel my pulse beating, sweating, overly stressed and agitated.
What gives, man??
If this screwed up my chances... I will be so pissed because the job description is something I would be really good at.
And yes, I asked for another test and they said no.
One shot. That's all.
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WOW.i can't believe you had that kind of side effect from the drug.David takes the same one and it works great for him.I love this medication it has mellowed him and it helps him all day...... That sucks about the test.There's no way at all you can retake it??I really hope you can,you'd be great at it............ And about the other day,i think you wrote what you needed to get off your chest and i can agree with alot of the stuff you wrote,i'm in the same boat only we are working on getting out of our nasty debt we racked out......... And i wasn't looking to NOT pay my bills(b/c they are my bills i caused them and i have owed up to that but i needed help)the company we are using is great.Vicki has been so wonderful and sent many emails and contacted me several times since we started working with her..... But i know the other day that was such a heart-felt post you wrote and i could almost feel your pain but i know you'll be fine because you have us and your family........ |
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As far as mellowing David, isn't if you actually have ADHD the stuff works, giving you the opposite effect (since it's a stimulant); but if you don't then you are wired?
I don't know that much about it, just stuff I have heard. I recently saw a movie where some kids take Ritalin to get high because it makes them hyper, but the hyper kids take it and it mellows them.
My ex's best friend was on Ritalin and he was mellow when he took it. When he forgot his meds, like on one business trip they went on, he did some really wild off the wall stuff. He shaved his hair off and went to a tattoo shop and wanted to get "Intolerant" tattooed across his head.
Yeah, that's normal!
??
They didn't do it because they would not accept the company credit card (yes, he attempted to use that!).
Justin (the kid on Ritalin) had a very "intense" personality and I couldn't be near the guy. Until he started meds and became very normal, nice, and calm. Not just this crazy dude who was over the top all the time.
But I am not hyperactive, so maybe that's why I had bad side effects? I have no clue.
I have A.D.D., but not the ADHD hyperactive stuff. Fidgety, yes. But hyperactive? Never. Not even as a child.
About that post I deleted... yes, the stuff I wrote (for anyone who missed it, I was very depressed about my life and felt like there was nothing about my life I was happy about except my children. I was in a dark, dark mood) was from the heart and it was real. I do always have those things in the back of my mind, but I work hard to fight it and keep just a step ahead. But I was finding it impossible to be positive at all.
I really think it was a side effect of the medication that it was hitting me so very hard. Because BOOM - suddenly it's like it was doomsday.
Even today Mike asked me, after I told him that I messed up the typing test, "Are you still taking that new medication? Because I think that has a lot to do with it."
Then tonight over dinner he talked to me and said he thought it was making me depressed because he saw a correlation between when I started the medication and an immediately noticeable difference in me as far as increased depression.
He was like, "The other night, you cried about the election."
I smiled, "Yeah, I did!" (a little embarrassed)
I was swearing I would have to move out of America if McCain won, that this country would fall and we'd all be doomed.
Yeah, a little over the top.
But that's how everything has been. Things that may be serious concerns were suddenly bigger than life and why can't the rest of the world see the seriousness of having someone like Sarah Palin have our nuclear codes?
Like, had the whole world gone mad for even considering this?
But I was seriously, seriously upset over this. Like depressed.
I don't know how else to explain it. I couldn't think of things in manageable terms. I got something in my head and was completely chronic about it, like it's increasing my OCD symptoms or something.
Even had one quick suicide flash in my head the other day.
I guess I am just sensitive to the side effects - depression and suicidal thoughts things to tell your Dr if you experience while taking it.
Quick, man. Some fast side effects!
Oh, well. I gave it a whirl hoping it would help me with my wandering brain! Thought maybe I'd stop losing pens and socks. ;-)
...I guess it's time to buy more socks (again!). ;-)
But hey, on your credit card note, Jenn, I'm really glad the stuff with the consolidation worked well for you! And don't feel bad, your debt or not. There's a ton of Americans doing the same things and even declaring bankruptcy. Surely it hurts your ego, but you'll get over that. Like being fired from a job because they are cutting back, it's not your fault but it still hurts your ego for a little while. I think this is the same thing, you can't help the rising costs, the low pay of jobs. You are doing what you can to raise your family and there just isn't opportunity right now to further yourself and keep your head above water.
Susie Ormond was on Oprah the other day and said that credit card companies may start to reduce credit lines that people already have because they are afraid they won't be getting their money. So it's all over the place. It's not just your family, for sure.
This is like the worst things have been since the depression, they say.
Crazy times.
Hopefully we get a new president or, apparently, I will have to move to France (lol- just what I was saying the other day when I was crying because I thought McCain might win).
Oh, and no - I asked about retaking the typing test and they said no, they are all booked up. That seems absurd but that's what the chick told me so, what can I do.
Whatever, man! I gotta get back to my positive thinking. I have been trying to put myself in the mindset of, yeah, it's really discouraging to apply for 150 plus jobs and get 4 interviews in 9 months time, but on the bright side, I get to spend a lot of time petting Lisa's fluffy ass cat! And man, is he SOFT! When the kids are in school and all is quiet he's just a LOVE BABY!
Good stuff.
So I may not be working, but I spend a lot of time on the computer job hunting with a cat on my keyboard.
In other words, I also spend a lot of time picking fluff from my eyelashes and nostrils. :-)
Also, I see my kids more than I would if I were working.
So I may be poor, but I have those things! Kids and furry nostrils!
And if worse comes to worse, so what? I default on credit cards? What are they going to do, shoot me? Nope. They can't do that!
So there ya have it. Although my situation isn't the best, it has caused some depression and things could be a lot better, they could be a lot worse and that's how I NORMALLY think. Not that the dark side doesn't come out, but I try my best to suppress it because I know that I am doing everything I can to better my life. If I wasn't trying so hard it would be different, but I am. But my house won't sell, I was denied schooling to further my education, I can't find a job.
Yeah?
Oh, well.
I have my pity parties now and then because I want so much more out of life but... Staying numb and suppressing all that as much as possible is much more convenient! ;-)
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