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| | From:  Titinta3 (Original Message) | Sent: 11/1/2006 2:37 PM |
the missing pieces to the academy award,  story titled "HOME." To get the full scoop, on this heart warming, hallmark channel bound story, do stop by the "Storytime 4 MP" board at your convenience. P.S Bring a cup of coffee or a stick of cigarrete with you! It was time to finally call it a night, but not before she showed me some old black and white photographs from a period I thought I had completely forgotten about. At the age of 10, when the top two “all girls” secondary schools within our local area would not give me the time or day, Igbanke grammar school welcomed me with open arms. And If "there's a time and place for everything"(including defining moments that shape the direction of a person’s life), mine were carved in stone somewhere at that boarding school. The floodgates swung back and forth. The memories flooded in... I remembered the afternoon siestas. I remembered evening prep. I remembered the echo of the dinner bell ringing. I remembered the marching band and the school choir. I remembered the piercing sound of the whistle blowing at 5:30 am. I remembered jumping down from my bunk bed hustling to put on my socks and running shoes...exactly what I'd been programmed to do. I also remembered trying to hide underneath the bed...what child in his right mind wants to jog a mile across town way before the sound of cocks crowing at dawn? I remembered manual labor on the weekends (cutting grass with cutlasses). I remembered inter-house sports. I remembered birthday parties where “bite size” portions of sardines and geisha sandwiches were a treat. I remembered the names of all those who scrambled to befriend the girl whose locker was jammed with cornflakes, corned beef and other delicious provisions. I remembered the lingo of all the diverse dialects. Edo. Yoruba. Ika. Ishan. Itsekkiri. Urhobo. I remembered my good-natured school sisters like Sarah Obaseki from Benin. I remembered my kind school mother, Lizzy Okoye, from Umunede. Above all, I remembered the day Matilda Ihensekhien asked “would you be my best friend?” as I drifted off to sleep. -t- |
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cutting grass with cutlasses -t-, you said to give you feedback. I am from the west coast of the US and I have no idea what cutlasses is. Is there another word that means the same thing? Also, when reflecting on your past, The word remember is in this a lot. Again, are there other words you can use instead of "remember" all the time? This is just my opinion. Jet |
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Ah yes, old black & white photos from your youth will bring back memories every time. Question: is there a reason all these memories were surpressed? (probably doesn't matter to the story but I'm curious) |
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Jet, A BIG THANKS!. I knew I would eventually lose someone to some of the terminology I choose to use . Bear in mind, this story is actually being written for a website that caters to people from a culture that would know exactly what the heck I was talking about. (sorry no pun intended). Of course I could have used "machette" in place of cutlass. Many of the readers would have to google machette . As for the remember, remember, remember...yes, there are definitely other words that would suffice. However, I wanted that entire insert to have a poetic resonance. But by your response, it seems that some readers might find it a bit irritating. So, I will re-write using "I remember " only in the beginning. Fair enough  ? Once again, thanks a whole lot for your comments, I really do appreciate an honest feedback..hey, how else could I get better at this writing business? -t- |
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Rebca, There's a reason why those memories were suppressed. It's called getting old . In all honesty, since I wasn't able to re-visit that old boarding I thought that the only way to incorporate my experiences from that period would be through the famous "flash back" technique used by a lot of fiction writers. What do you think of what Jet had to say? I think she has a solid point. Ya'll are just great!! -t- |
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Jet, here's a revised version. Note: "remember" was only used twice! Got rid of cutlass and the cock crowing at dawn thingy. Yep, I could have replaced "cock" with rooster...but, but, I just decided to kill that whole sentence. Works better now? Yes, no, maybe? Here it is... "I remembered the evening prep, the echo of the dinner bell ringing, the piercing sound of the whistle blowing at 5:30 am-a wakeup call for a routine cross country “one mile” jog. Who could forget manual labor on the weekends or inter-house sports and birthday parties where “bite size” portions of sardines and geisha sandwiches were a treat? The names of all those kids who scrambled to befriend the girl with the “provisions jammed” locker danced around on my tongue. I remembered the lingo of all the diverse dialects. Edo. Yoruba. Ika. Ishan. Itsekkiri. Urhobo. Faces of my good-natured school sister-(Sarah Obaseki from Benin)and my school mother -(Lizzy Okoye from Umunede)flashed in my mind. Right before I drifted off to sleep, I recalled the day Matilda Ihensekhien asked, “Would you be my best friend?” Better? Yes, no, maybe? Please feel free to always give your opinion. -t- |
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T, I think it "flows" better, smoother, in this version. As for cutlass, I knew what you meant - a bit of trivia I picked up somewhere along the line... Do keep in mind the audience you are writing for, the words & phrases they will be most familiar with. |
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I figured cutlass meant a machette. Hey, I loved the cock crowing at dawn. Think about adding it back. |
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-t- I think Rebca said it perfectly. I think it sounds really good. But, like Rebca said, if you are writing this for people who will know the meaning of some of the words you use, you should write it for them. -t- I think you are a fantastic writer and everything you write is wonderful. Jet |
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Jet, Your wish is my command my dear . Frankly, there's no way I could possibly say muchas gracias enough for your compliments and constructive feedback. I did learn something today though...that writing under the influence of excessive sugar and caffeine, mixed with minor sleep deprivation is definitely a disastrous recipe for excessive VERBIAGE(yep, do I know my "word of the day" or what ?) Rebca, Thanks for the affirmation about the importance of catering to your specific audience. Ladymars, I reckon there ain't gonna be no feast of egos here now, you hear-lol! I think we're all too fulll (btw, loved the quote!) As for the cock crowing at dawn request, here's what I'm currently brewing... Rather than this "At the crack of dawn, my chartered taxi was waiting to take me back to the airport and I was more than ready" How about: 1. "The cock a doodle doo of a cock crowing somewhere in the distant signaled the beginning of a new day. A soft tap, tap, on my bedroom door meant that my chartered taxi was waiting out front to take me back to the airport and I was more than ready! OR 2. The cock a doodle doo of a cock crowing somewhere in the distant, followed by a soft tap, tap, on my bedroom door signaled the beginning of a new day, which reminded me that my chartered taxi was waiting out front to take me back to the airport. I was ready to go! Is it numero uno or numero 2? Hmmmmmmm...I pretty much have an idea. How about you? Anyone else care to take a whack at it? Okay, to bed I must go! OMG, I'm turning into a night owl like those hamsters in our basement . P.S. Tell everyone I'll be late for breakfast and not to wait up for me. Rebca, would you please try not to drink all the coffee? -t- (the midnite owl) hoot, hoot, hoot! |
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T, you'd better hurry if you want some coffee! Personally, I like number one better but that's just me.... |
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Me two. Two down for great minds -woo, woo! -t- |
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-t- I like 2. Sorry it took so long to get back to you. Jet |
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