the following was an email i sent to someone, regarding emails they sent me. but i figured there was something in here that would help others relate to why i may seem distant, or aloof, which im often described as, online and off. this email was not to/from anyone at moodgarden, but does show my wonderfully rambling nature



ive pondered how to reply to your last emails. ive thought about it while caring for my critters, whilst walking around at work watching dogs playing around me, while watching tv, while dosing off to sleep at night. and i guess my biggest concern is always "will i answer the right way?" or "what if this isnt what they want to hear?" or "what if im wrong?" you get the idea. i get easily triggered by those around me when they are angry. with those im in contact with at home, work, etc, i get that feeling as not just words, but energy they let off (and at work, the dogs can read that energy too, so if they avoid someone, i do too). online, i have only words to go by, and the past. and i saw it in the pms but tried to dismiss it. i see it in the emails and i was hoping time would make me see it differentlly, like maybe my mood caused me to read or see something that wasnt there. but everytime i re read these emails, i get that same vibe. and im not saying you meant it to come out that way, but with just the words, it still seems that way.


geeeeze, im really good at draggging through what i want to say, so ill just say it already. i didnt want to get involved. i didnt want to know the history of those involved, what they said or how they posted at other groups. i made the comment about this member because i felt i could relate when i saw their posts. i liked that they had pets, i felt i could relate that way. i never saw negatve posts, but then again, i dont check in often. if i have something i feel i need to write out, i have a blog, or in rarere cases, i post at my group. one thing i learned from what happened at other groups is to stay on the outskirts of any group. just like i learned from growing up never to get too emotionally involved with anyone at work (or school), because you never know how long anyone, or even yourself, is going to last. jobs change, people transfer, people move, companies fire you....

i still wish to stay out of all that happened. i never read what you emailed had happened, because i still feel it wasnt relevant, because i wasnt involved and didnt wish to become so. and to say that shouldnt imply im on one side or the other, because, see, im not involved enough to be on any side. and to have to be on a side isnt something i can handle mentally anyway. i went through far too much of that at so many groups. and i could go on, but ill stop here.

the weirdest things set me off these days. ive currently had to step way back from a favorite group (critter related) because of a post there. and since last march theres a member there who i cant stand (weve had issues), so maybe its just as well. i keep in touch with a member or two via email, but thats it. tonight, while waiting for my dad, there was this flyer that triggered me, just really disturbed me, and i still cant get it out of my head. yet tonight i can read suicide and si related posts at a mood forum, and not bat an eye. in some ways im doing ok, in others not. im taking supplements, for mood, and for illness, and im probably better now then i was last spring/summer/fall, but there are some days i dont want to get up, and some days im off all i wanna do is sleep. i do ok at work, i like the dogs and most of the people most of the time (dogs all the time, but hey, they are easier). but at the same time, im too wimpy to open the results of a final hearing at my old job, that was sent a couple weeks ago. and little things send me into a rage, stupid things. so go figure.

this has turned into a novel, and very little of it pertains to your emails, so maybe i just shouldt send. but i did promise you a reply.

i hope the new year brings the best for all of you. happy 2008.

testing.....video/pictures

Mon Jan 07, 2008 11:14 pm

not sure if thisll go through or not. im a bit bored tonight, so thought id try photobuckets remix feature. some of my "artwork", limited choice of music, but it looks ok, i think....
http://s68.photobucket.com/albums/i30/sdreamcatcher/?action=view&current=0e5bc233.pbr

 

another day....

Tue Jan 08, 2008 10:28 am

i was so sore and stiff this morning, i didnt want to leave the security of my bed. but i have work, and the critters, so finally dragged myself out. feeling slightlty better now that im up, warm and moving, but i may need an ibuprofen to get through today at work (dogs demanding playtime and all ). then i have several days off to figure out what im going to do, since im not scheduled the rest of the week. i really need another job, and am considering other doggie day cares. i really really dont want to go back to retail/customer service, too many issues that eventually ill have to come to terms with, but i dont want to tackle that now.

speaking of tackling, at least some of my time off needs to be spent doing major cleaning, scrubbing, and throwing stuff out. maybe i can work off some energy that way. im feeling a bit stir crazy with this damn cold weather. i need a farm where its warm year round, between the muscle pain and my wanting to be farther from people, etc etc.

my moods are ok, i guess, more stable then theyve been, considering the stress and season. i still have problems with rage. and im a bit disappointed that my drawing, after being sidelined for so long, isnt what id want it to be. now that i have all this free time, i want to get back to it. but i dont seem to have the focus or something. my mom says keep going, itll come back. im not so sure. but i know shes probably right.

Checkers (pigeon)is ringing her bell, must mean breakfast time. its a new trick she taught me . and Kayla is floating around, waiting for me to find a toy shes hidden, im sure .

 

off days are here

Wed Jan 09, 2008 10:14 am

kinda cool to have the time off, though im gonna miss the pay. i may put up a flyer or something for dog walking in my area; God knows theres lots of dogs wasting away in backyards around here . would improve their lives, at the very least. i want to save up for that dog training school. and i so want to get away from the same old boring retail/customer service type life that always makes me feel like im failing. i have no problems talking to people about dog related stuff, so thats not going to be an issue. i got to meet a few people yesterday as they picked up their dogs from daycare. dog people love to talk about their dogs . yesterday was a pretty good day. i couldnt wait to get off, but im gonna miss the dogs, silly as that may sound. theres very few im not fond of, but i make an effort to treat every one like id want my own treated. and many i wasnt fond of in the beginning, i really like now. dogs respond and change so much easier and quicker then people . another reason to travel in that direction......

 

random dog pictures

Wed Jan 09, 2008 7:44 pm

from the day care where i work.....
actually, my original idea was posting pictures. but i added pictures and one video and used an obvious song, lol. hope it goes through....
http://s68.photobucket.com/albums/i30/sdreamcatcher/dogs/doggie%20daycare/?action=view¤t=Doggies001_0001.flv

 

random winter/night/sky pictures

Wed Jan 09, 2008 7:44 pm

another video -- pictures randomly added, but they seemed to tie in with the music well (my opinion, anyway).

enjoy
http://s68.photobucket.com/albums/i30/sdreamcatcher/artwork/?action=view&current=winter-enya-anywhereis.flv

 

my spam folder messages

Wed Jan 09, 2008 9:40 pm

[  Currently: Watching TV ]

just bopping about, and reading my spam messages for entertainment purposes. theres something about settling with the irs. some emails thanking me for orders i placed (one is a pharrrmacy order, yes, thats how its spelled), weight loss emails, morgtage information. oh, ive been selected to be a mystery shopper, better check that one out. maybe i can go shop at the store i worked at and give bad grades to the cashiers and supervisors who ratted me out .

different products to try and keep, get rich quick schemes, oops, a starbucks email, i do need to transfer that one out. emails saying i can transfer money to my accounts now, hey!!

did i mention im just a wee bit bored tonight????

 

feeling a bit edgy

Thu Jan 10, 2008 11:12 am

going to go lay back down for a bit, see if the l-theanine kicks in soon. if not, maybe ill just go ahead and take the dogs for a walk, bring the mp3 player with me. little things are starting to get to me, and i dont wanna go down that path today.

 

Meeces

Fri Jan 11, 2008 11:23 am

last night i started combining two cages of mice. Hollie and Kierra, two older girls from a group of ten i lost over a few month period, with a group of five younger girls; Pheobe, Ayesha, Chloe, Annie, and Cloud (this is the group Cheyenne, Zoe, and Zina were in).

to minimmise possible stress to Hollie and Kierra (Hollie is now 2, Kierra is about three months younger), i cleaned their cage, but left their bedding/nest in. I added only Pheobe and Ayesha last night. Hollie kinda went after both (shes always been a bit fiesty), but it was short, and she settled very quickly. a bit ago, i added Chloe, then Annie, and Cloud last (Cloud being the fiestiest of group two). so far, all looks good, no fighting at all. the cage has the older girls familiarity, and im sure that helps. there are currently two wheels, and i may add a third. i need to find something to help Hollie and Kierra with arthritis in their back legs. Hollies is more noticible. im hoping to perk the older girls up, and give them a feeling of the larger group (they were originally part of a group of 21).

i will add pictures sometime soon; they are still on my camera.

 

today

Sat Jan 12, 2008 2:50 pm

for some reason, when it comes time for me to title my posts, my mind becomes a blank. so, this is another uncreative title, .


today seems ok so far. doesnt look like we can get a walk in, since its getting colder outside (and im not a an of cold wind, especially). so the dogs will stare at me, unless i can make up to them with a good dinner.

my girl meeces seem to have accepted each other. no squeaking, fighting, chasing or signs of stress. everyone is carrying on in their own way . i love mice; such active social happy creatures. people could learn from mice . Hulagirl, mice can live 2 to 3 years. idealy, although the majority of mine are feeder rescues, and this includes Hollie. i adopted her and Ebony almost two years ago, as little ones. Ebony i lost quite a while back; such a character. Hollie has always been hand shy, and more into other mice then people. shes become friendlier with me, on her own terms, and in her own time. Kierra is the last of Nirvanas babies; Nirvana and Sunflower being two pregnant girls i rescued in april 2006. i also rescued the dad and uncles (all the males whod been in that cage), so they wouldnt end up as snake food either. Kierra and Hollie are the last of a very large group i had going (will post pictures soon, i promise, and also old ones of happier times when i had more). 2 years is a big deal, and Hollie is taking it all in stride. i hope having more buddies will increase her happiness, and therefore her life.

i have plans to combine single male mice. now, the boys can be trickier, and with Ezekiel in particular id not even attempt it. except some time back Michael escaped and ended up in Ezekiels cage. dont ask me how Michael avoided falling into one of two hamster cages to get to Ezekiels bin, but he did. almost as amazing as Michael defying certain death (i thought hed landed on/climbed down to the floor and was lost forever), was the realisation that Ezekiel didnt attack him. better yet, he seemed to enjoy having a buddy around. problem is, Ezekiels bin wasnt high enough, or covered, so Michael would have eventually escaped again. so me being the procrastinator i am promised both a move into a 20 long screened cage weeks ago. its not happened yet. as soon as i find the screen top, i can start the move (the cage is now cleaned and ready). so i must do that today. i will try adding in Sampson (another escape artist, and son of Ayesha), Jason (handsome and sweet, very peple friendly), Isiah (Ezekiels brother, so a bit fiesty as well), in addition to Ezekiel and Michael. everyone in one neutral cage should work, but again, boys have their own ideas . id guess Ezekiel and Isiah will be the most difficult, but who knows. time mellows them, dynamics change......

my mood is decent, but i have so much to do. and these winter days make me very sleepy/lazy. so im feeling overwhelmed. been sipping teas and wandering online all day, and now i must do something more constructive.

 

Kayla says goodnight

Sun Jan 13, 2008 1:41 am

Kayla says its time for mommy to go night night. the last few nights shes acheived this by laying across the mousepad. usually the mouse is also covered. this prevents mommy from scrolling, clicking pages and links, and othet computer wandering features. tonight shes tapping at the keyboard. attacking her arm/hand everytime she tries to keep going is also effective, though sometimes it takes a hiss or growl to "sink in". other kitties reading this, this may work with your people too . they can be trained; it just takes time and lots of patience.

 

why do i always do this?

Sun Jan 13, 2008 10:06 pm

[  Mood: Discouraged ]

no matter what job i have (or dont have). my days off always seem to end up unproductive. or at the very least less productive then i plan. 6 days off in a row; youd think id have all the critter cages clean and sparkly, my rooms clean and sparkly, the fish tanks clean and sparkly, right? nope. i kept figuring "hey, ive got a few more days" then "ive got a couple days still, were good", then "two more days". im not even going to think that tomorrow, my last day off in this mini vacation. i got some stuff done, but nothing like i really wanted. and that carries with it so much guilt.

my mornings would start out for the most part pretty well, but by afternoon, no matter how much i thought id done, or how little i actually i did, i was tired, and ready for a nap. id love to just chalk it up to short winter days, but that only goes so far.

ive noticed while the moods are less intense in some ways, im also rapid cycling. so early this afternoon i was bravely ready to face the chill outside to walk the dogs. but then something very minor came up (i couldnt find something, nothing new in my world ), and by the time that was resolved (i found said item), my mood was soured, and the thought of going out in the cold, and possibly encountering peoples, caused me to wimp out. plus, the cold wind didnt help. so i made the dogs their dinner, started mine in a bout of creativity, ate a couple grilled cheese sandwiches my mom made and offered (whos going to pass up that ), and then went to lay down for a "just" few minutes, while i waited for my dinner to finish. just woke up not long ago, found my dinner lukewarm but otherwise quite appetising, and made myself a bowl then popped in here. and so ends yet another "productive" day off .

 

i strongly dislike certain money hungry....

Mon Jan 14, 2008 5:14 pm

....internet service companies.

there, i feel all better now.

 

going, going, gone....

Tue Jan 15, 2008 2:40 am

tuesday was a bad day. i woke up to find Tammy - orange cheek waxbill, a species of finch - caught on the side of the flight cage. the other birds alerted me to her. i got her freed, and she seemed stressed, but otherwise ok, and since this had happened before, i wasnt too worried. Tammy had been sick for a bit, but she seemed no worse tuesday morning.

sunday night, Michael (an absolute favorite mouse with a story who deserves his own post) was fine, or seemed that way. id just rehoused him and a number of other wilds in a new cage, complete with a wheel, and he was thrilled. i even got pictures of him, hard to do because he was non stop. monday he seemed a bit quiet; since he had been a bit quiet off and on, i chalked it up to all the activity with the move, and trying to get various domestic boys added to the group. they didnt work out, so im leaving it for now as a wild only group. Ezekiel remembered Michael and didnt bug him (he was actually pretty friendly with Michael), but the stress of Ezekiel fighting with other mice seemed to get to Michael, as well as a couple of the other domestic boys being fiesty. again, i figured all would settle, with them back out. but by monday night Michael was very quiet, very withdrawn, and seemed to have problems moving around. i worried about a possible seizure, since he wasnt reacting much to the other mice (he was very social), or even to me (he always wanted to hop on my hand and climb to my shoulder). so i was stressing about him as i got ready for work. i tried an electrolyte solution with him, even baby cerela mixed in, but he just didnt seem interested in food or water.

i found a couple mice sick, a couple dead, and lost a surprise litter of three babies, the last of who died early tuesday. so i went back to sleep and didnt drag myself back out of bed until 11am. that didnt leave me a whole lot of time to prepare for work, and it didnt help that i was just dragging all morning. so i ended up working myself into a nice frenzy when i realised i was running short on time. right before i left, i found Tammy gone, not at all what i expected, even with her being sick.

work was ok. really, five minutes into my shift, it was hard to stay in a bad mood, getting to see the dogs again. i even met a few dogiie parents and had nice chats with them. i had a bad headache starting up, but it was still pretty manageable. i took an advil migraine when i came home, babied Michael (he was very cold but perked up when i warmed him up). i managed to get him to take some water/electrolyte mix from an eyedropper, set him up with a hot water bottle and put his cage on the top bunk (where its really warm), ate some, fed the dogs, then i took a nap. woke up, checked on Michael again, and he seemed to be a bit better, though he wasnt happy about being alone. i promised him a visit with his buddies in the morning before i went to work, tended to the other critters, and went back to sleep.

link for orange cheek waxbills; i cant get it to add to the main text without having to scroll down for miles
(http://www.finchinfo.com/birds/finches/species/orange_cheeked_waxbill.php)