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| | | From: over (Original Message) | Sent: 6/29/2004 8:15 PM |
What do you do if you think (or suspect) that you let somebody down, or disappointed them, or angered them, or whatever, and you're not sure, and have no way of knowing, or finding out, and you don't even know if it's real or a product of your (somewhat) unbalanced mind, so you don't know if it's you, or them, or nothing at all, and you can't stand it any longer, this not knowing and feeling bad at the same time??? What do ya do? Any suggestions?? |
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Hmmm..let's see. I'd go with talk to the person. But, before I did I'd examine the situation a little myself asking myself a few key questions. a) What is going on? From my perspective....then I'd try to think from their's. b) What do I feel about the situation? c) In the great scheme of things, did I do anything wrong? If so, what, and could I have done something different? d) What "claim" do I have to how screwed up things have gotten with this person, if they are...i.e. the let down, anger, hurt. e) Is any of it their fault? do they perhaps set unreachable standards in the area I've let them down in? Given some "new found knowledge" by answering these questions I either try to talk to the person if I feel it's necessary and I say sorry I hurt you, but....and we talk, because most of the time, either something could have been done different, or it's just as much their fault. OR if I don't talk to them, I've at least come to terms with the way things happened, the roles everyone played & I've learned how not to do the same things again. In certain situations it's not worth dredging up the feelings, in some it is. I just judge. Hope that helps a bit. Erin |
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| | | From: over | Sent: 7/15/2004 12:35 AM |
Thanks Erin.........it's hard to look at an emotional problem/situation logically, but following the guidelines you set out, it's worthwhile. In this case, I just put it in the "water under the bridge" catagory, and move on. As you say, it's sometimes not worth roiling up the waters (hmmm, lol, lot of water analogies here.....where is S. Freud???). It takes two to have "communication", and in this case I'm just talkin' to myself. The emotions I feel, well, I just gotta eat 'em, digest 'em.....and get over it! After all, the world still turns........ Thanks for answering, Erin.  ps, wanna go for a bike ride some fine summer evening?? |
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No problem Jim. Gotta laugh at all those "water" references. Could it be that it's been raining so much in this city, and perhaps that it's only a complete "massive down fall" when I'm waiting the thrilling bus, so every day this week I ended up getting drenched and on some subconsious level you know that I've decided I hate the weather man for saying....30% chance of rain during the day...building to rain overnight. How's that for Freudian? lol I can relate to just deciding the emotions are just yours, or to deciding that things are better left unsaid. That's pretty much a part of my life these days. It will be so nice when my mom stops worrying about me so much. The more she worries, the more she suggests ways to live my life, and if I don't take the advice or get too defensive of my way she never understands. I dodge having to feel like I'm letting her down, by just not letting her into my life as much. Which I don't like either, but I get tired of it. It's like accept that I know what I'm doing, and let me do it or accept the alternative, where I'll know what I'm doing, I'll be happy, and I'm just not gonna tell ya, so that I don't have to go in the same circles of "but why, but your life could be better if..., but this..., you should...," Now, as for that bike ride.hmmm..that could be a fun possibility, we shall see  And make sure that bike doesn't come speedin' up Pinebush some night and almost kill me like all the cars do. lol
Cheers,
Erin |
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| | | From: over | Sent: 3/20/2005 2:50 AM |
.........someday you're gonna see me on some downtown sidewalk giving away all my possessions to passers by and the homeless then watch me disappear from this mortal coil 'cause enough's enough already, i know when i'm licked i give up |
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((((((((((((((((((((((((Jim))))))))))))))))))))))))))
take some time away from the problem(s)..see things in a new perspective..don't take life too seriously cause if you do it will drive ya crazy!..you are stronger than you think you are!!!..keep hanging in there..we all have our lows..things will look better..focus on the good things..the bad is just too much to focus on for too long..i know from experience..take good care of yourself..seen anymore cool birds lately?..i saw a bluejay this morning and i thought of you..hold onto the thought of those all day bike rides someday in the future..that's one of the reasons why it will be worth it in the end..there is always hope, Jim..and that's my inspirational speech for the evening..stay tuned for more..:) |
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| This message has been deleted by the manager or assistant manager. |
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| | | From: over | Sent: 3/21/2005 4:01 AM |
i deleted the above post because..........i didn't want to see it again......capiche? |
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Jim..I can relate to what you are saying..I find myself in the same situation sometimes..My best advice is to follow your heart and do what makes YOU happy..It's your life and in the end it's YOU who will have the regrets if you don't live the life that you can be the most proud of..All you can do is give it your best and if something doesn't work out the way you wanted well you can't say you didn't try..I, myself, would find satisfaction in knowing I gave something my all..This may seem silly to say and in no way is it meant to be demeaning in the sense that something this simple can solve the hugest of problems..It can definitely give one a new perspective..Life is suppose to have passion!..Passion for the simplest of things..Passion is a love of life...Live each moment to the fullest as you can..I have found myself coming home from work and parking myself in front of the t.v. till I pass out(mostly cause of eating too much) and then I would get up the next day and do it again..I felt like I was dead inside..I was just going through the motions..I wasn't really "here"..Iam learning to live in the now and do the things that I want to do and to not let fear or whatever get in my way..So when I get home from work sometimes vegging out in front of the tv is exactly what I need..Other times its a good book..Sometimes it's listening to music..So on and so forth..As my own self worth increases so does my desire to take care of myself which helps me to feel more alive and more happy..When Iam happy life is better!!..When we only live our lives for others we lose ourselves..We have to live for ourself first..We have to make ourselves our top priority..It really does make a huge difference..Then when we are feeling our best we are better to help others who need us..We have to do what makes us happy!..I believe in that the saying "depression is anger turned inward" has alot of meaning..Live each day like it was your last..Be you and love who you are..Others can either accept you or move on..Truely appreciate everything around you..I see things so differently these days..Iam also learning it is all in the attitude as well..If I think Iam..Iam..About feelings..Iam learning that no matter how you hard you try to please others you will never accomplish that..I think there is a song or two about this..lol..I have been meaning to post something on the subject cause I have been struggling with this for some time..I have finally come to an understanding..Stay true to how YOU feel if only to yourself..Give YOURSELF permission to feel how you feel..Know that it is okay!..Don't judge yourself..Forget about anyone else who does!..Let everyone else deal with their own thoughts/feelings..All you have to do is accept them...not always to understand..If you can't then we have the choice to move on..We can only control ourselves..I hope this all makes sense..It's just I could see myself in this and I can understand..I have one of THOSE fathers too..Learned much from him..Life is precious, Jim..Enjoy it while it lasts..Life moves on with or without us..Fact of life..Hop on and enjoy the ride..Might as well laugh and enjoy it..Better than being sad..Iam learning so much..Iam becoming who I always knew was within me just have to get passed all the other crap to get there..Have a long way to go but Iam loving this new begining..This new connection to my core being..Iam scared of falling off this cloud I feel myself floating on..I know my ground is fragile but my strength will keep me where I want to be if I really want to!..Life is about choice..We can choose how to be and what to be..If I fall I can choose to fall gently using my handy dandy parachute for such occasions and I can climb my way back up as quickly as I choose to..Life doesn't have to be as hard as we can make it sometimes..We are all too hard on ourselves..When we make peace within us and become our own best friend the world around us doesn't seem quite as overwhelming..This evening is beautiful here..Iam listening to some awesome relaxing music..I can hear the rain drops on the windows..It's light and delicate..The windows are open and I feel the coolness of the air coming in..The smell is wonderful..So fresh and crisp..I got lasagna
cooking in the oven..Some wonderful smells are coming from the kitchen..It's a moment..I feel at peace..Nothing is perfect..I have my problems but none of that matters..I have faith everything is gonna be okay..There is no point in worrying..What will happen will happen whether I worry bout it or not..There is beauty everywhere..Just have to be open to it...Beauty is hope in disguise..It's everywhere...Iam rambling, sorry, but I couldn't help it..Just came out of me..Sometimes we just have to go with the flow..I wish you the best, Jim..I pray that things will be okay for you..Keep hanging in there and fight for what makes you happy..I know there are ppl who care..Iam one of them!..Take good care..:) |
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| capiche!..but Iam leaving up my second inspirational message..iam on a roll..lol..take care..:) |
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| | | From: over | Sent: 3/21/2005 2:39 PM |
Thanks Pam.....i see you've put a lot of thought into this (like you do everything). i see as well that you saw the post i deleted, glad you did, actually, but i didn't want to leave it up, maybe it was a *little* too bitter? I hear Jen's words, "it's supposed to be The Peaceful Oasis!", lol. I agree with everything you said, i'll only point out that i have more obligations than you, like i signed up for certain things and am consequently stuck in them. A large pile of fresh, large denomination bills (US $$, please) would make a difference, i know you can relate to that! And, it's odd.....like i said, every time i try to follow what i think is good, it never turns out, i've been scratching my head over that one for a long time. In "olden days" frustration and loneliness led me to do "whatever i wanted", which turned out mostly self destructive. There was a bright side though--i learned how close to the Edge ya can get without going over. It ain't my notion to go there again. Just lend me a dash of your optimism........i see that a little goes a long way! Thanks again Pam. |
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| Hi Jim..Respectively Iam not sure how you would know how many "obligations" I have?..Regardless who has the more to deal with it doesn't change anything in my opinion..With that said I don't know what your situation is or what your struggles are..Iam sincerely sorry things are so rough for you right now..I can only speak for myself and share my own experiences as well as what Iam learning works for me..If you or someone else can take something from that..Awesome!..If not..cool..I had to try..For me I don't care if I ever was homeless and living on the street I would still have hope and believe things will work out somehow..I also know that would only be done if I did things to make that happen..Speaking for myself only..I have dreams and I have to follow those dreams..I can't ignore them anymore..All Iam saying is there is always hope and only you can change your circumstances or your attitude about it..For me working a 9-5 crappy job, 5 days a week makes me want to scream!!..I know I would lose myself completely if I had to do this every week for the rest of my life or close to it..I have seen what working at such a job did to my father..He didn't follow his dreams..He still has time but he has given up..I would slowly die inside if this was my life but unfortunately it is neccessary to work cause got to make the money to survive..However I would do whatever I needed to do to get where I want to be even if that means working two or three crappy jobs do get there..It would comforting to know it would all be temporary and the end result would be worth it all..We do have choices..How we make that money is up to us..Who says we have to work crappy jobs forever even if they pay well?..I would rather have a job that paid less if it made me happy, if I could barely get by, than to have a job that paid more if I was miserable in it..Who says we can't be happy with our jobs?..Or at least be happy doing it while it lasts?..Who says we have to listen to some stupid bitter boss on a high horse all the time?..I tend to humor them but do things how I want anyway..lol..The end result is the same..I hate having to follow someone else's rules especially if I don't agree with them..I hate having to nod and smile all the time feeling like a mindless puppet..I know what it feels like to have to keep it all inside..Slowing feeling like Iam going insane cause I doubt the importance of how I feel..I have learned that if I continue this way I will either live a very miserable life or I will ultimately die by my own hand cause I just won't be able to deal with it anymore..I have options..Iam not stuck..Iam sick of feeling helpless..Iam sick of feeling incapable..Iam sick of looking down on myself..In my own life looking at things in a different perspective changes the view..No offense meant by this..It's just, for myself, I had to make a choice..Iam passing on my own experiences to either help you or whoever reads this..I truely believe if we all did this life could be just alittle bit easier cause we would be helping each other..It helps me to say it all outloud or in this case write it all down..At this point I just have to accept peacefully the way things are, but only temporary, so Iam okay till I can change things to something I can truely be happy about..Iam working towards those changes right now!..A big part of my misery was how I saw myself..I created my own hell with my attitude towards myself and towards my life..Something as simple taking care of my own needs instead of ignoring them makes a huge difference..When Iam babysitting or at work others are right there always demanding to be put first and Iam there for them..However I take care of myself as well even if it is only within my mind sometimes..Instead of bashing myself..Instead of being my worse enemy Iam my own best friend..Iam as compassionate to myself as I would be to someone else..At least, I mean Iam working towards this!..No matter how much one has going on they can still have the time to think compassionately towards themselves..Giving themselves hope, love and appreciation..There is a lady I work with who is just so dang hyper..She gets so stressed out about many things there is to do and how lil time there is to get it done..She works through her lunches and wonders why she has high blood pressure..She needs to slow down..Nothing is worth killing yourself over..Do what you can and if others don't like it that's their problem..There are other jobs out there!..Though she is harder on herself than anyone else is on her!..She makes things more complicated cause she has such high expectations of herself..I take my time but I get things done..Customers will live if Iam alittle slower than what they expect, ya know?..Iam not going to kill myself for anyone else especially someone who isn't going to at least appreciate it..lmao..For myself, Iam sick and tired of letting life drag me down..Iam sick and tired of feeling so damn overwhelmed..Yes, life is hard!..Yes, life is unfair!..The good get the bad breaks more often it seems but I would rather have struggles while really living and than to struggle in a box of my own making going absolutely no where..I would rather die trying than to die cause I was too afraid to try..I have choices..I can make the best out of things..I can make the changes I need to make myself happy..I know that I can trust my own instincts as to what is right for me..No one is going to do it for me..I just have too much fire/determination in me to just lay down and die..I have seen too many in situations where ppl have felt stuck..Chained to their own circumstance(s)..I have been in my own prison for entirely too long..I have the key and Iam getting out..I have made plans and when I get where Iam going or closer to it maybe I will share but at this point I don't want to jinx it..lol..I too know what the edge looks like..Damn I have been there way too many times..I knew how close I could get without going over..Each time when I got there I would pull myself back..I knew all I had to do was just not care for one moment cause that's all it would take to just do it and get it over with..I couldn't..I realized there where things I did that contributed to my walks toward the edge which was more than just not being happy with my life, myself and my circumstances..I was drawn to the dark things..Music was a big one..I would listen to something with suicidal lyrics in it..There were several songs that only made me feel worse..I tortured myself..I chose to ignore any hope or positivity and only focus on the bleak which, of course, made me feel worse..Which made it easier and even more of a reason to be unhappy..It gave me excuses to stuff myself till I was sick which held me back further each time I made that choice..It was a cycle I repeated for a really long time..Iam not going to get close to that edge anymore..Iam not going to give myself a reason to give up..I find myself now surrounding myself with happiness and positivity..It changes drastically how I see things..Sorry for the rambles..This was written with only the best of intentions..I wish you the best, Jim..I hope you will find peace with whatever torments you, for a lack of a better word, as well as whatever it is you personally struggle with..I wish you much happiness..If ever need to talk you can find me online..here..or by email..Just remember there is always hope which I know you do know..I also know you are tough!..Best advice I can give is just be aware of how you feel..That's our own personal road map to get to whatever we want to go..Believe in yourself..Take good care.... |
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| | | From: over | Sent: 3/22/2005 2:43 PM |
Thanks Pam.....and I'm sorry, didn't mean to downplay your experiences & pain at all........by "obligations" I meant, 4 kids and a mortgage. It's mostly been a good ride, I've always been happy to be able to support my family (many can't, eh?), and even if some of the jobs suck, they have always paid well--enough to support us and eventually buy a house. It ain't fancy, but it's ours. Job wise though, I guess what I was (unwisely, lol) complaining about is that I had to turn down some good opportunities because they just didn't pay enough. A year's low wages, no matter how good the prospects, would have sunk us, we were just living from paycheck to paycheck as it was, so I kept plugging away in the factory. You just maybe have a few more choices than I did, that's what I meant. Keep golfish and a couple o' kitties, don't have kids! Francis Bacon wrote, He who hath wife and children doth leave hostages to Fortune (paraphrase). Pam, I admire your attitude and determination (is that an attitude?). Just my opinion, but it seems to me you've come a long way in the past few years. I'm proud of you, and if there's any thing I can do for ya, let me know! About keeping it all inside.....maybe someday you should bite somebody? Lol, you'd get in trouble but feel good later! And hey, I'm ok, just these viscious little mood swings, about once a week "the cup is half empty and has a hole in it".......basically I know what I have to do and it's cool, and I can deal with my issues..........especially with a little help & good advice! |
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| | | From: over | Sent: 3/23/2005 10:14 PM |
Thanks Pam.........lol, the last time I let my light shine, it was in the middle of the night, woke up Mama and she was pissed!!.........so I hadda take my light and hide it under a bushel again......... just kiddin'.......you know i can't help playin' around with it! |
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