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The Burden Bear : crash alert.....
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 Message 1 of 19 in Discussion 
From: over  (Original Message)Sent: 4/1/2005 3:49 PM
Yah, i can feel one coming on, i'm looking for ways to forestall it (ideas appreciated).  I find myself here with few friends, well, one friend, and i can't relate to "the guys" any more, just feel like a stranger in my own life.  The family rolls right along without any input from me.  I'm not skilled at anything, i can fix stuff but so can anyone, just never seem to learn anything useful.  Always seem to be doing the wrong thing at the wrong time.  Always seem to like the wrong people for the wrong reason ("it's not allowed", my favourite phrase).  Just falling apart........
This last birthday was a hard one, one of those "milestone birthdays" of legend.  I mean, we have "the big 3-0" (which *someone* is going to experience soon, i think!), but it's not necessarily an age like "30", it's the age when it strikes into the very core of you that one phase of life is permanently over.  Can be scary........like when childhood is over and you become a teen, when teen-hood is over and you become an "adult" (not sure i ever did), when youth is over--the big 3-0--and so on, until senility i guess.
Now it hits me hard that many doors have closed, and none have opened. There seems so little to look forward to, i don't even want to be here any more.  I hope i snap out of this soon, find a ray of light somewhere.
 
You guys........there are tears in my eyes as i say this.....don't dick around any more.  Get out there and get on with it, do what you have to, to get money and needful things so you can make your space.  Take it from me, time flies by and regrets are a drag.......opportunities to find--or make--happiness get fewer as time goes by.  Time, the one thing we can't buy grow or make.  Use it well.
If you are hiding, or isolating........get prepared to get out on your own, it will happen.........loved ones will die, there will be losses, it is good.....no, it is crucial to prepare.  Grief is natural and proper, bitter regret over old differences not repaired can break your spirit. Mend fences while you can.
Most important......do not be afraid to love.  There can be a lot of (story of my youth) "oh i love him/her, but they don't even know i'm alive!  Woe is me...."   All very natural, but......but.......if you work on it, you can come to a deeper understanding (i've been working on it a long time, i found just what works for me).
I found that the old sages etc are right, *love* is the driving force of the universe, it is the sun that lights your heart.....so what if the love you feel for someone/thing isn't answered?  Be happy that you can love (many can't, it seems), realize that it makes you a bigger person than you were, and it can illuminate everything in your life.
And if it hurts a bit once in a while.....it's worth it.
 
Sorry for the rambling, and i know it's pretentious of me to pretend to know stuff, but if i know anything at this point, it's that above).  I don't feel one year older, i feel fucking ancient, though nothing changes from one day to the next.  If age and experience mean anything (debatable, as far as i'm concerned), if i've learned anything in a life of introspection and craziness, i gotta hope my friends can get something out of it (maybe it hasn't been a total waste?)


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 Message 5 of 19 in Discussion 
From: 2manySent: 4/2/2005 3:44 PM
 

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The number of members that recommended this message. 0 recommendations  Message 6 of 19 in Discussion 
Sent: 4/3/2005 1:15 PM
This message has been deleted by the manager or assistant manager.

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 Message 7 of 19 in Discussion 
From: overSent: 4/5/2005 3:06 PM
I feel a lot better now, thanks for caring guys.
 
And don't worry, i know i don't owe anybody anything,  just go with the flow.......

Reply
 Message 8 of 19 in Discussion 
From: overSent: 4/10/2005 11:43 PM
kinda update, i guess.........i didn't crash like i thought might happen, not crashing now, but finding things very difficult (like everything).........it's just too intense, all the minutae of everyday life, it's like sapping my inner strength, just a great amount of effort to keep going
 
can't i just sit on the sidelines somewhere, in some pretty place, and just watch??
 
and where's the 'off' switch, anyone figure that out??

Reply
 Message 9 of 19 in Discussion 
From: 2manySent: 4/14/2005 3:33 AM
beats me, jim....im still looking for the "pause" "fast forward" and especially the "rewind" buttons

Reply
 Message 10 of 19 in Discussion 
From: overSent: 4/14/2005 3:34 AM
lol, we don't get rewind

Reply
 Message 11 of 19 in Discussion 
From: 2manySent: 4/14/2005 3:37 AM
dont burst my bubble!!  allow me to think theres one "out there" somewhere!
 
 
and damn youre fast!  your internet connection must like you!

Reply
 Message 12 of 19 in Discussion 
From: overSent: 4/14/2005 12:40 PM
*nyuk nyuk*         ve haff  friends in high places..........
 
too bad one of 'em isn't bill gates

Reply
 Message 13 of 19 in Discussion 
From: overSent: 4/17/2005 1:32 AM

Suicidal Tendencies Institutionalized lyrics

Sometimes I try to do things, and it just don't turn out the way I wanted to

and I get real frustrated, it's like, I take my time and I try real hard, but

no matter what I do and no matter what I try it never works out, it's like I

concentrate on it real hard, but it never works out, it's like I need some

time to figure these things out, but there's always someone there going:

- Hey Mike, you know, we been noticing you've been having alot of problems

lately, you know, and like maybe you should talk about it, you'd feel a lot better.

And I go:

- No, it's ok, I know have some problems, I'll figure it out myself, just

leave me alone I'll figure it out.

And they go:

- Why don't you talk about it, you'll feel alot better?

And I go:

- No, I don't want to, just leave me alone, I'll figure it out myself!

And they keep on bugging me and it builds up inside, it builds up inside...

 

So you're gonna be institutionalized

You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes

You won't have any say

They'll brainwash you until you see their way

I'm not crazy - institutionalized

You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized

You're driving me crazy - institutionalized

They stuck me in an institution

Said it was the only solution

To give me the needed professional help

To protect me from the enemy, myself

 

I was sitting in my room, and I was like staring at the walls thinking about

everything but then again I was thinking about nothing, and then my mom came

in and I didn't notice she was there and she calls my name and I didn't hear

her and then she started screaming:

- Mike, Mike!

And I go:

- What, what's the matter?

She goes:

- What's the matter with you?

I say:

- Nothing mom.

She goes:

- Don't tell me nothing, you're on drugs!

I go:

- No mom, I'm not on drugs, I'm ok, I'm just thinking, you know, why don't

you get me a Pepsi?

She goes:

- No, you're on drugs, you're crazy, normal people won't be acting that way!

I go:

- Mom, I'm all right, I'm just thinking, you know, so why don't you, like

give me a Pepsi?

And she goes:

- No, you're crazy!

All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me,

just one Pepsi.

 

They give you a white shirt with long sleeves

Tied around you're back, you're treated like thieves

Drug you up because they're lazy

It's too much work to help a crazy

I'm not crazy - institutionalized

You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized

You're driving me crazy - institutionalized

They stuck me in an institution

Said it was the only solution

To give me the needed professional help

To protect me from the enemy, myself

 

I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in and they pulled up a

chair and they sat down, they go:

- Mike, we need to talk to you.

And I said:

- Okay, what's the matter?

They go:

- Well me and your mom, we been noticing lately you've been having alot of

problems, and you haven't been acting like yourself, and we're afraid that

you're going to hurt somebody, and we're afraid that you're gonna hurt

yourself, so we decided that it would be in your best interest if we put

you somewhere where you could get the help that you need...

And I said:

- Wait, what are we talking about?! We decided?! My best interest?! How can

you know, how can you say what my best interest is? What are you trying to

say? I'm crazy? When I went to your schools, I went to your churches, I

went to your institutional learning facilities. So how can you say that I'm

crazy?

 

They say they're gonna fix my brain

Alleviate my suffering and my pain

But by the time they fix my head

Mentally I'll be dead

I'm not crazy - institutionalized

You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized

You're driving me crazy - institutionalized

They stuck me in an institution

Said it was the only solution

To give me the needed professional help

To protect me from the enemy, myself

It doesn't matter, the insurance money's about to run out anyhow.

Hahaha


Reply
 Message 14 of 19 in Discussion 
From: MSN Nickname§îlhøû놆�?/nobr>Sent: 4/17/2005 2:28 AM
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jim))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Reply
 Message 15 of 19 in Discussion 
From: overSent: 4/18/2005 1:46 PM
I feel like I've been silly and obnoxious.....
But I've been manic and crazy, couldn't help it........
 
Sorry if I screwed anyone up, didn't mean to.  Just nuts, is all.......

Reply
 Message 16 of 19 in Discussion 
From: MSN Nickname§îlhøû놆�?/nobr>Sent: 4/18/2005 6:09 PM
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jim))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Reply
 Message 17 of 19 in Discussion 
From: overSent: 4/18/2005 10:24 PM
Thanks.......i'm ok.......i don't know how commonn it is, but i feel like a dork after one of these "shake, rattle 'n roll" mood swings.
 
Man, i can't even remember the last two weeks........don't think i want to, either

Reply
 Message 18 of 19 in Discussion 
From: MSN Nickname§îlhøû놆�?/nobr>Sent: 4/19/2005 3:49 AM
Iam glad you are okay..:)


I feel like a "dork" in the middle of a crash..lol..


You are doing good!..Keep hanging in there!!

Reply
 Message 19 of 19 in Discussion 
From: overSent: 4/19/2005 2:34 PM
........thanks.........i'll hang in, thankful to be able to do so.........couple of good things have happened already just to remind me that, well, good things happen........ talking to a friend, a scenic bike ride, little things, reminders that life can be, if not all good, certainly not all bad.
 
can't believe i just said that, this time last week i couldn't see it at all........*sigh*......."stability" still remains a concept.......

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