stocked cabinets/fridge can be good and bad..not in the best of moods at the moment..mad at myself(alittle bit of the pissed off at the world thing happening too)..feel like crap..have a headache..my body hurts..feel like iam gonna throw up..it's too damn hot!..i can't stand it..i wanna scream..iam tired..not physically but definitely emotionally..i think i could be actually getting somewhere though (since after the recent fall) i have to go through alot of crap to get where ever that is..i love the feeling of feeling like iam gaining control but i don't look forward to the losing it later on..Iam hoping though that this time i won't end up being on the nowhere road despite all my hopes and efforts like the way it usually turns out..its so damn depressing!
I want peace..day even..with no brothers or dads walking around making it difficult to take naps or even have a quiet moment to myself..even writing this i have to make sure no one sees too much..frustrating..i want space!..i want quiet..i don't want to hear the damn tv right now!!!!!!!!!!!..atm micheal Jackson is seriously pissing me off!
i bought new razors..blades are sharp..cut best that way..do the most damage..iam pissed off enough at myself to do it..just waiting to be pushed far enough..they were bought with a purpose and at the time i felt i could trust myself but if need be they can be used for other things..i dunno if i will but iam very aware that i have them..
there is plenty to do but its just too hot to do anything cept lay around in front of the fan..if this is a "crash" it's not cause of lack of sleep..wish it was that easy!..it's cause things are fucked up and have been for some time!..i just manage to delude myself into thinking everything is going to be alright..reality just keeps coming back to haunt me!
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