The Peaceful Oasis

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okay burden bear..do ur stuff..need a place to go where i can just let this flipping crap out..just had a run around with a so called friend about what is "appropriate" to post at her site..i can't remeber what i asked her exactly but i ended up being told that it wasn't okay to post stuff that has "suicide thoughts" in them..well hell some of posts do..then after talking and talking she ended up saying she meant don't post " hey everyone iam gonna kill myself right now..have a nice life"..lmao..like i would do that..iam so pissed at her..she was on a high horse..can't deal with this shit..can't deal with "being talked to" about my posts being "too dark"..life can be dark damn it..darkness is part of me..no one knows what this shit feels like..iam so damn alone..damn i feel so unimportant..take these miserable freaking feelings away..i can't stand it..its agony..i wanna slice up my arm and damn it iam so mad that i can't..course iam really upset now too..should hide under a rock when i get like this or just avoid certain ppl..geez..after talking to some ppl i end up feeling worse..and since it happens alot ..just feels like this person purposely does it just to hurt me..like they have nothing better to do than to sit in front of a puter and f**k with someone's mind..or iam just a f**ked up paranoid crazy person..but damn it..iam also tired of using that as an excuse for ppl to treat me like crap..ya know?..its all in my imagination kind of shit..tired of that..but at the same time i know i over react on some stuff..damn it!..this is such bull shit..go away..go freaking away..I hate you..i hate you so much!..iam tired and its been a trying day..but my nephew was mostly good..just really active..tires me out..i got lots of hugs and kisses..need them..

"..leave reason behind" lol simby, im really liking this plan now

HIM LYRICS

"Join Me In Death"

Baby join me in death
Baby join me in death
Baby join me in death

We are so young
our lives have just begun
but already we're considering
escape from this world

and we've waited for so long
for this moment to come
we're so anxious to be together
together in death

Won't you die tonight for love
Baby join me in death
Won't you die
Baby join me in death
Won't you die tonight for love
Baby join me in death

This world is a cruel place
and we're here only to lose
so before life tears us apart let
death bless me with you

Won't you die tonight for love
Baby join me in death
Won't you die
Baby join me in death
Won't you die tonight for love
Baby join me in death

this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living

Won't you die tonight for love
Baby join me in death
Won't you die
Baby join me in death
Won't you die tonight for love
Baby join me in death

Baby join me in death

this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living

this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living
this life ain't worth living

not in the best place now..iam doing it again..taking it all inside..turning it inward.. and iam so dammn tired..just so damn tired..don't feel like anyone hears me or cares about how i feel..blah blah blah..all day long ppl want more and more..not stopping till they get what they want..all they care about is what they want or how they feel..who the hell cares about how i feel?..sucks the life out of me..its all crashing around me..its all so overwheming..life is too much to handle right now..the wall is up..keeping my distance..iam safe within me...me, ed and my razor..all is well..no one can hurt me..i control the pain..

I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

all i do is screw everything up!!!!

how i feel is stupid..

decisions i make are stupid!!

my opinions/how i feel is meaningless and stupid..No one wants to hear them!!!

my existance is meaningless!!!

i could disappear and it wouldn't matter!!!

iam hurting and iam so damn tired of everything..i just want to lay down and die!!!..Iam just a waste of space..my existance is pointless..all i cause is pain..iam feeling so much pain..god, kill me now!!!..End this freaking misery!!!..you let so many ppl die that do so much good and yet i still exist?..why???...iam NOT perfect..i screw up pretty royally and often..something like me doesn't deserve to live..I hate all these thoughts that half of the time i don't know what to do with..if i ever say how i feel it doesn't go over very well and/ or no one listens to me..whether some ppl admit it or not they much rather prefer that iam a puppet..a robot..to reflect whatever it is they need..and if they don't need anything from me iam useless..iam a mindless emptiness..nothing lives within me..just black agreeing darkness..i don't want pity..i don't want attention especially cause iam hurting..i want to mean something..i want my feelings to matter..i want to be heard..to be noticed..i want to feel like ppl care..cause ppl want to not cause i need it..this world can be so damn overwhelming..too much to seee and hear..too much to know..iam overlaoding..going to slip into dream land now.. going to dream of better days..

well today sucked..was extremely stressful..my nephew!..geessshhh..he has been even more hyper lately if that is even more possible and frightening!..he has been acting like a wild animal literally..my sis says that between the ages of 2-5 it is normal for kids to show signs of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder without actually having it..its just a normal part of being a kid to those kids who are prone to being hyper..they can not diagnose Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder till they are 6 anyway but when he is 6 and he is still acting like this he definitely needs to be tested..so we just can't feed him much sugar otherwise he is climbing the walls..my sis says she was hyper as a child though i don't remember that and my sis says her boyfriend says he was hyper as a child so the combination of both created a super duper hyper kid..when my sis has that baby she is going to have a her hands extremely full..time is approaching soon..her due date is in novemeber..she is concerned cause the baby has not turned yet so its possible she may have to have a c section..i swear my nephew like produces sugar in his blood and absorbs it..its just nuts how crazy he can get..he was so wild today..i got so tired of saying wes stop doing this..no wes..for the hundredth millionth time please don't touch that..no wes don't hit..don' t throw..don't pick up my things and distroy them..he just giggles and does it anyway..its all a game to him..yelling doesn't work..smacking his hand or bottom doesn't work..i feel like pulling my hair out course he might giggle at that too..growling doesn't work cause he thinks that is funny and growls back..like for example today when my sis picked him up he just kept running from one side of the room to the other and no matter how much my sis tried to talk to him to get him to come with her he just kept running and then running from her when she tried to grab him..it took like 30 minutes to get him out the door..it was all a game..he just giggled and giggled..he is a hard headed stubborn p.i.t.a !!!!..course it isn't alll bad..he has his moments that make me just melt and i can't be mad anymore but then a few minutes later he will do something evil again..gggrrrrrr...they were so not kidding!!!..the terrible twos are really friggin terrible..they should call it something much worse so ppl can understand just how bad it really is especially in kids prone to being hyper..was at the store this evening and i was so frazzled and stressed that for one fleeting moment i thought about buying sleeping pills to just make me out of it for awhile..although it works to some extent it isn't the healthest road to go down..besides i know i have screwed with my health way too much over the years and eventually it is going to catch up with me which i really think it has already begin..as much as i say i want to die a times to make the pain end i actually only mean half of that..i just want the pain to end..its all the overwhelming feelings that make me think otherwise..in time it gets easier and i regain my senses..and i also know i would be taking all my frustrations/feelings and such out on myself..this is what iam trying to stop..i have to feel and deal with those feelings..not keep it in anymore..so iam glad i could talk myself out of slipping into old ways..feelings are a p.i.t.a really but they come and go..they are not here forever even though at times it feels like they will never end..they always get easier at some point to deal with..this i have definitely learned and has kept me alive and from doing something rash when things got bad..tomorrow suppose to be my day off..my precious day off that i have been so looking forward to..a day i thought i would have to scream if anything tried to take that day away from me and it turns out thats exactly what happened..i was suppose to be off tuesday but i had to watch my nephew..now tomorrow i to deal with a stupid inspector who is going to come over and and see if our apartment passes the test..which means serious cleaning..iam too damn tired now to even think about cleaning..they gave us a day notice for this crap..jsut found out today that they are going to do this tomorrow..excuse me but i hate this apartment complex and i think they are a bunch of freaking lazy a**holes..i couldn't get shit down with my nephew here and i have no friggin idea when they are going to be here tomorrow..hopefully early than i relax the rest of the day with no stress..i just don't care right now..so freaking what the apartment isn't in the best shape..my dad was freaking out earlier about it..he wants to clean for visitors but its okay to live in a mess the rest of the time..i told him off and said it wasn't all that bad cause I meaning all by myself clean this stupid place up fairly regularly..he backed off after that..i noticed he hasn't washed his dishes from last night so i suppose he was meaning for me to clean up after him for tomorrow wtf ever..they are only coming to see what needs to be fixed and make an order for it to be done..i don't know why we can't just call them for repairs instead of them barging into our homes to check up on us..seems kind of juvenille..they have a key to the apartment of course and if you are not home they will let themselves in which i have always enjoyed about this place..NOT..and if anybody changes the locks they will basically break in and then charge you for the damage..i want the heck out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..i feel trapped in the mamoth over sized dollhouse from hell..thats what apartments remind me of..a dollhouse..too tired to explain why..iam so damn drained..iam getting edgy and feeling close to breaking so i may just lay low for a bit..nerves are shot..frazzled and emotional..iam spiraling..i can feel it..thoughst of si dance in my head but i dunno..possible..trying to avoid that road..stuffing myself is definitely in the plans for tonight..gotta start my eating in cycles again..been really slacking..soon..soon..just not now..too tired now...nite nite now..catch ya round..rambling helps jsut wish i haven't of crashed at the end of it..

feeling alittle better

only me guessthat uses thisboard coool called in sick tomorrow and today they are not ahppy with me can tell in their voice but i gave them plenty of warning not like id called last minute they got all night to find someone fortomorrow damni feel like ushc a a,loser i hate that i have to do this jus can;'t face going to work right nowwhen iam down like this that job is just so mundane and boring i feel like iam gonna scream can't fake the smile and the happy attidue right nowi kno w she was upet wehn i called now they were okay this mornign but now i could hear irritation in her voice maybe i call in too often i do it like once every couple months down daysi call proabbl;y too muvyh them need to pick myself back uup playcheck is gonna really suck now week but i don't give a shitbut i feel like they can't count on me and iam lettin them down probaly only cause they got stuff they want to do and iam not up there running the front so they can do it probably somethign stupid like that they will be alreight world won't end just hope i have this job alittle longer tdon;t know if i can eer habnd.le a full time job one fo the reasons why i never got one too muchprobably shoudl pursue babysitting cuase its more my level typiong really sucks sorry don't matter though won't poci myself back up if i keep kicking myself for calling in sucks to mcu in my mind not happy weith me feel so navbad god typing sucks sorry end this now upset

noit done stupid place is a mess i look at it and its too much cna;t bring myself to do nything why don't they care why do i have to clena after them all the time its not fair i just don't have t i in me tits so disgutsitng kithccne loooks like something exploded in it oomg aim smuch a loser she was disappointed i know it being depsressed is a sickness it slike haveing the flu cept it keeps coming backl every so foten got to stop feeling this way i feel so bad which is nt helping mei want ti cutstartted cutting again not bad thugh but still startedjust my arm no where elsee is i could just over this an dknow things will be okay than i could actually make use of this timegonanns sleep fo r awhile don't want to think much right now cause i fel so bad iam sorry to all i have been such a bad fierned ppl staying away from me bad cuase think different or do things differently ppl run awaty woersorry should jsut keep this all to myself ooddd at that should not be here this down just make u all think iam even more bad and hioorrible old hurts not letting go still there never iam sorrys just avoid it all fffffffffffffff i feeel so bad if only i could le4t thtas go dad wouldn't understand if he found out just critize me for being a stupid slacker just lazy fa t and lazy llllllllllllllllllpost questions on grou;s no one answers them think there is awlawyas a sign over it that says ignore her she diesn'ty deserve your eeforts feels like it anyway frkrian ffffraking freaking out need to relaxneed time to g et throught hus

wish i could delete some posts

just don't deal well sometimes

can get triggered by certain things

if iam tired don't handle well at all

don't hold it against me

..........nobody holds it against ya, Pam........haven't we been there at one time or the other?

**unsolicited advice**...........see a doc, get some meds..........many many people are helped, it's a "quality of life" issue, plain and simple..........you may have a prejudice against meds, re-think it objectively..........you may be afraid of the dreaded "side effects", well most aren't as bad as made out by some, and ask yourself, what's worse, a mild side effect or the pain you feel so often?.........and if you get stabilised, you start to feel better about yourself, then maybe you could get a full-time job and move into your own place.............

I know it's very presumptuous of me to say all this.............but I've been there (still there), done that, and dammit I'm movin' on...............look hon, you gotta fight like the devil, with all the weapons and all the help you can get............(I almost gave up last week, but I didn't, and I'm still here)

hell, I'm even taking lithium in a (rather desperate) effort to get my mind under control (insert hysterical laughter here)...........but it's working, and ya just gotta try everything before you give up..................

**end of sermon, please give generously when the collection plate is passed**

Important Announcement The MSN Groups service will close in February 2009. You can move your group to Multiply, MSN’s partner for online groups. Learn More
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