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| | | From: 2many (Original Message) | Sent: 12/17/2003 4:35 PM |
monday wasnt too bad, really, but yesterday sucked and todays trying to follow suit. first the bus was late yesterday (it was monday too). then i find out they wont have a stop 2 1/2 blocks from the house anymore, the closest will be about 3 miles away.. that starts january 4 2004. course the thought has occured to me that i may not have a job to go to next year. we are in bancruptcy, and short of another company buying us out, there will be more layoffs.. the #s just arent where they should be right now.. monday night we all got everything settled in a another community. we met on messenger and worked out everything. so i thought all was well till yesterday afternoon, when the manger pops in, demotes me, and decides to scold us all for not getting along. didnt even bother to read the posts, and i was the only one demoted, since evidentally im planning an evil takeover, or maybe its the fact im too broke to return phone messages, since keeping in touch last month cost me close to 200 (i had no idea it would be that much at the time) nevermind the fact that i have no interest, since i manage two of my own communities, and even if i did, where would i find time? this has been ongoing for sometime.. just been reluctant to say anything since i was hoping everything would settle.. the only reason i stay at this site is well, like a lot of you i guess, i have friends there, i am friends with the rest of the staff, etc, and i enjoy helping. otherwise i would have said screw it long ago.. not that i care though, right? ive been crashing hard anyway, and cut again yesterday. last night i come home to find that my current insurance company doesnt want to pay my bill, they want to know my previous insurance carrier for some reason (i had a 15 month gap in between insurance coverage). now, if its what i think it is, then this really sucks, since my mental status and any diagnosis shouldnt interfere with medical care. youd think, anyway.. i have to call later and find out, but im really thinking its none of their damn business (for any of you wondering why i never got an "official" diagnosis of bp2 or anxiety disorder, etc, this was one of the things i was paranoid about happening).. but im wondering what the hell is in my records, and how i would find out, and if its going to affect a medical dr visit, where i wasnt even given any meds, just a blood test for anemia.. ohh yeah, and the bus was on time today, but broke down... nice touch.. |
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| | | From: 2many | Sent: 3/26/2005 3:49 AM |
maybe i shouldnt let it bother me that there are people in the world who will always take, never give, and if they do, only when theres something in it for them. wish i could be like that. never caring what others think, never seeing how selfish they appear to others. ignoring and avoiding, even if only at the subconcious level until the problem is so far in the past that they dont have to deal with it or confront and accept that they may have had negative consequences. to be honest, ive tried to do that, so maybe im a hypocrite for posting this. and maybe this makes sense to no one but me, or maybe i wont even get it tomorrow. who knows? but im so tired of trying to figure certain people out and its hard to not think everyone has an ulterior motive. perhaps im just paranoid and this is all in my head. maybe thats it. im slowly losing my mind but hey thats ok, cause theres no one around whod notice. |
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| | | From: 2many | Sent: 3/26/2005 3:49 AM |
p.s. dont worry, this is offline ventings, not about anyone online.... just didnt want to freak anyone out. |
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| jen, just sneaking in to give ya a hug!..hope you don't mind got some advice too..wish i had the answers..all i can say is i understand frustration and not understanding things..i got plenty of my own..i need to let out my own vent right now but iam too tired..iam sure i will have my say soon though..lol..can only say the same ole " hang in there" thing..just doesn't seem enough?..one: in a week or two..even a month or so will any of this matter?..two: is whoever/whatever that is bothering really worth it?...three: somethings and/or ppl we will never understand..this is something i have had to come to an understanding on..sometimes that's all you can do is just let it go for your own sake..don't try to figure it out anymore..you have your own life to live which is hard enough...we don't need any extra stressors..just focus on that..let everyone deal with themselves..if they want to be shits well let em have at it..lol..that's their deal..you just be you..be the best you, you can..that's all you can do..wishing you peace and much happiness..take care..:) |
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| (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jim))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) |
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| | | From: over | Sent: 3/26/2005 10:57 AM |
LMAO! ......all we need, guys, is a Handbook for Human Beings, written by god (whose god i don't know--maybe they'll all collaborate?)...... i checked Amazon, they don't have it.......guess we'll have to muddle through |
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| | | From: over | Sent: 3/30/2005 11:20 AM |
That's a good one, Flutter........ain't Google grand? Ya can spend the whole evening surfing Google....... Gotta get me a handbook, not having much luck without one. One question, F.F.Froggie.........must be almost tropical down there, are the bikes out?  |
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| | | From: 2many | Sent: 5/31/2005 3:21 AM |
its all good, its all good theres no reason nmot to, really. ive fucking held it together for everyone else and now its all good. just need to see the blood. all i can say is im sorry, you know i never meant to hurt you. you know i wish i had been there for you in the end. i thought everything wasgonna be ok. but im not mad at you only at myself and theres nothing i can do to bring you back but know i love you and always will. im sorry i wdidnt help you. you didnt deserve this |
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| YOU, don't deserve this either..{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}..Hang in there..If ya want to talk you know where to find me..Take care... |
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| | | From: over | Sent: 5/31/2005 3:55 PM |
you deserve better than you've been getting, i know i've probably added more crap, just ignore all that please please, take care of you take care of you |
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| | | From: 2many | Sent: 6/6/2005 8:09 PM |
today was one of those days to forget about who i was, problems, stressors, temporarily. i always like riding through south denver, seeing all the old houses, thinking and imagining what it would be like to live in one, with all that old fashioned charm,, and although im not fond of the tiny yards, they all seem to have the prettiest shrubs, trees, and flowers that obviously have been there for decades, blooming year after year no matter what. it takes me back to a time in my childhood that i forget but always go back to easily enough, where times were, compared to now anyway, so much simpler. listening to my parents talking and just leaning back and watching the sights go by way too fast. my mom lent me a book, and in between waiting to see if my # was called, i became completely lost in it, thinking of far away places that id visit, and even though it may have been just a small southern town in the story, making me think about a certain small town in illinois brought with it its own flood of memories. everyone around me got called, it seems, and then they sent the rest of us home. sitting waiting out in the bright colorado sun waiting for my ride, thankful for the warmth after sitting in a cold room for hours, underneath a spruce tree that was so powder blue it didnt seem real. read out there for a while, stopping every once in a while to watch people pass by, talking about this juror and that juror as they went off to lunch. feeling guilty somehow that i was one of the few who didnt ned to fill out an employer or reimbursement form for my day there. i became so engrossed in the book again that i barely heard my name called, then it was a straight shot back home, back through old neighborhoods filled with memories as thick as lilacs when they bloom, down the street where i felt sadness because of an old mongomery wards building on broadway torn down years ago to make way for places like sams club and kmart. a building filled in itselof with memories of my grandad, grandma, dad, and i think even my sister for a time. and even though its been years, it just doesnt seem right to go by there and not see that building which was once a landmark rising into the sky. leaning back again, listening to old country songs through the radio and seeing all the so familiar sights that meant we were close to home once again. wishing it had lasted longer, somehow. |
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| | | From: 2many | Sent: 9/13/2005 8:42 PM |
top goal for the day is to find a razor that works. cause everything is too overwhelming and i need my outlet. |
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(((((((((((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I wanna say "No, STOP!" but I know better than that..However there are things you can do but you know that..Cut cardboard..Use a use red marker or paint on your arm..So on and so forth..Write out how you feel..That's an out let to..Scream..That's an outlet..Cry..That's also an outlet..Cutting may "feel" like an outlet but in reality it is because deep down you feel like you deserve it which you DO NOT!..If you must cut be extremely careful and please keep it to a bare minimum ..Know that if you need to talk Iam here..Take gentle care..Thinking of you and wishing you peace.. |
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What?..Deserve it?..NOPE!!!...Which I know you know on some level but don't just want to hear/accept it right now cause depression is clouding your thoughts..Agrue with me all ya want but I will say the same as many times as it takes for it to sink in!!..Just take care, Jen..Iam so very sorry you are hurting now which there is nothing wrong with by the way but it will pass in time or rather get easier to bare which I know you know somewhere deep down..Hold onto that..I don't know what's going on other than grieving for your uncle,money issues, loss of a pet, or maybe all of the above but my advice is not to abandon yourself cause now you need you more than ever..Don't turn it inward..Allow yourself to grieve/feel..Embrace it..Let it just be and let it go..I know easier said than done..Sorry if this any of this upsets you but Iam only saying it cause I care.. |
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