sorry to post this, i know this isnt good, since i feeel like im failing everyone by not being better able to support everyone here.....

 

ive been fighting this latest darkness for several months and have been able to head it off, but lately i feel like nothing is going right, at home, work and even online, and i feel like everything i say or do makes situations worse..

 

ive been wanting to take time out from the groups im involved in managing, but havent been abl e to for one reason or another.  and im wondering if thats the reason things have been going so horribly wrong.  even now, im needing time off, but a firend left me in charge of their community, which i didnt want, but had no choice then to accept because they needed the time off more then me.

 

work last week was bad, and right now im having this feeling that im the one being held responsible for checks that sat for two weeks, even though my supervisor was the one who handled that particular batch that week..  until yesterday, i thought perhaps i was being paranoid, but even another co worker asked me about it.  my supervisor isnt saying anything either way, but her actions speak otherwise, and its bothering me. im pretty careful in everything i do, and if i had been responsible, i would take full blame.  but nothing in my mind is worse then taking the fall for something i wasnt responsible for (dont know if this is making sense)..  at least with my previous supervisor i always knew where i stood, and there were never any problems that couldnt be solved quickly..

 

ive realised in a post to someone else, that allmy advice isnt being followed by myself, and all the things i do to keep from failing, are not working..  im wanting to isolate so bad, and fighting those feelings, but even if i managed to win the battle, most of my friends right now are either struggling themselsve or have already written me off.  

 

im wanting to cut, and even though i know its not the best way to cope, its all thats working right now, to keep me from losing what sanity i have left.  its starting to affect my work to the point people are wondering, and there are just tjings i cant tell anyone in my 3d world..  usually i can hide it from everyone, but not this time, and that thought scares me worse then anything..  my mom is starting to notice, and i hate that this is getting her worried.. a couple weeks ago we had insurance reps here, so i signed up for short term disability, which im hoping ill never need, but if i lose it completely at least i will have back up maybe.  i cant afford to not work, and im thinking its at least giving me a reason to get up everyday..  but even the disability insurance wont kick in till february..

 

im not sleeping more then a few hours at a time, which is something i usually dont have problems with.  the headaches are back, and ive pretty much stopped eating, which i know is making thinsgs worse.  i keep telling myself all i need is to get some sleep somehow, or start eating better, but i just cant seem to get it together.  im having to make nmyself eat, and after i feel worse..  trying to sleep is hard, and by the time i drift off, either the dogs wake me up, or my alarm goes off.  i ended up waking up 20 minutes before i had to catch my bus this morning,,  and had to rush getting the critters taken care of, whcih isnt fair to them..

 

im just scared that i cant hold on to all this much longer and eventually im goiung to break, and i dont want to casue more pain to anyone else...