Hey Pam,

 

Thanks.  Ya, I'm 29 and my boyfriend is 27.  It's funny, when he gets an idea in his head and he truly wants to do something, there's nothing I can do to stop him from doing it - give him a short story deadline and he'll write for hours. BUT when it comes to the things that pay the bills, and take him further in life, as soon as he gets bored at work, he gives up and quits trying. As soon as he doesn't think he can do it, or it gets boring, he just doesn't think he has to try.  He wants so much out of life, but for some reason, doesn't want to put in the effort to get there.

I can see some self-esteem issues there at times, like he doesn't have as high expectations for him as I do.  I'm always saying I'm supporting the two of us as much as I can while he's in school because I only want the best for my best friend, no matter what happens.....he doesn't get it.  It's like he doesn't think he deserves all the opprotunities that life has to offer, because no one in his life has ever really stood by him and gone out of their way for him before.  Usually, when it gets tough, people have just told him it would be better if he left.  That's why I struggle so much, I don't want to be another one of those people, but in the same sense it's like buddy, ya got meet me 1/2 way....I was letting some of the finance stuff slide and to not at least pass both classes, all of the sudden it was a huge blow. It was like, well, what am I doing this for then?  I began to even wonder if he realized I put my lifestyle I was used to and things I wanted on hold to support 2 people while he was in school.

We talked a lot this weekend though.  There was a lot of screaming, yelling, crying and a bit of happiness.  I told him he has no choice, he's gotta get it together this semester.  I basically told him I was at peace with either result in July.  A separation, or us together, but that he has a lot of work to do. AND if I didn't see some improvements during this semester, the July deadline may become April.  He needs to learn to think of me and my feelings, he needs to contribute more financially, he needs to grow up, get his act together and start getting things together so that he and I can be the team both of us want us to be.  I've told him I'll help him make decesions, and support him in any area he wants, but he's gotta start to take charge of his life and prove to me that he can be the man I want to be with, not the guy who barely gets by in school and contributes nothing financially, or I'll have a newly decorated appartment for me.

Hopefully things change, but if not, I'm okay either way!  I'm starting to come to grips with both results.

Erin

Hey Pam,

It's a little bit of a few thing with my boyfriend.  First, it's a fear of failure (not living up to everyone's expectations).  Next, it's boredom everywhere - stuck in dead-end jobs where no matter what he does he never gets ahead and it's hard to see a sense of accomplishment (enter why I said go back to school and at least accomplish something positive!).  Third, it's a cycle.....the first day he skips work or doesn't feel like doing something he should is tough, but every day after that he can find a reason to justify it and it just gets easier and easier to give up on everything in life and anything that takes effort.  He goes through cycles where mentally, he just doesn't always think it all thru.  If he keeps up the routine of doing something for a long period of time then it's great, but as soon as he skips one day or has one day off to go back is like torture.  He almost has to work a 6 day week, Sundays off, but still kept pretty busy with me.  Life has to be a routine, or else as soon as the routine changes for more than one day it's easy to say well I didn't do it yesterday....so why do it today?  Whereas most people in my family can take a half day off work because of a killer headache or something, but you wake up the next day and go to work because that's what you do.  You can take a break from studying one day, but you make it up the next....he doesn't do that.  He finds reasons to just justify quitting things.  It's strange.  Here's hoping the cognitive psychologist helps him out.  She seems to think 12 sessions (every other week) will lead to significant improvement.  That's the main reason why I said I'd stick to my plan of July, and then also reassess in April where we were at.  12 sessions going every other week....I should see some changes in him by June, if he does his counselling homework.  So, here's hoping!

Cheers,

Erin

Hey Pam,

I've thought of that, and even asked him to look into that, but he won't.  Who knows, maybe his current counsellor will.  At least this cognitive psychologist works on fixing behavior patterns, so she should be able to do a lot of good for him.  Which will mean a lot of good for me.  I can see it's going to take time, but things will slowly get better I think.  Time will tell, either way, I'll stick to my timeline in July, hard as it will be, since now that he's in school even longer, I don't know how he'll meet that.

Cheers,

Erin

hey erin, how are things going?  better?

Hey Jen,

Thanks for askin'.  Things are going a little better in some areas.  My b/f, the twit that he is decides to work more often than not these days.  He did actually write me a cheque last weekend so I could put it in my account and go get us groceries.  He also finally called the people who are after him about a loan from his past & he mailed them cheques for the next 6 mths, post dated & he wrote things in a day timer, so I can see he's trying.  He's got a long way to come though, because I just discovered the account that I put his chq. in is frozen until I can put $200 in it, as his chq. that he put in there was returned as insufficient funds.  I don't know whether to still be happy that he's trying & getting there, or be mad at him for screwing up, yet again.  I think I'm just gonna make him take responsibility and give me the cash out of his pay cheque that he gets from his one job tomorrow.  Then in the future, I'll put his written cheques in my account that I don't have bank card access to, so I can't spend the money until I know it's there for sure.  He's getting there, he's just still a twit sometimes, but for better or for worse, he's my twit at least until July.

How's your world these days?

Erin

Well Jen...to continue the saga for you.  Things are getting better this week :)

 

The twit, as he gets called a lot appologized for the screw up at the bank.  He's realized he sucks with banking, so he now has only one account & he has internet banking so we can do his budget together every 2 weeks.  Then, at the end of the month, we're going to look at his balance & I'm going to tell him what to write me a cheque for.

 

2 more weeks & he'll be done this semester of school....1 more left, & only 1 class next semester.  He registers today for a night class - hopefully biology.  He's going to work 9-5pm then go to school 2 nights a week.  That will be a much more "twit friendly" schedule, since he hates working at night. 

 

Time will tell, but I think April will be better & he's already got plans to go thru some temp. agencies in May & June to start getting in the door at some places for when he has grade 12.  Things will get better, he just needs gr.12 to get there.  My tax refund will help us out :-)

 

Cheers,

 

Erin

 

p.s. also on an up note...one of his creepy stories might be getting published I'll have to track it down & post it! lol.

good news on the story!

 

 

from what youve posted, erin, it sounds like hes really trying, even though its hard for him.  writers minds work pretty strange, they can become completely engrossed in whatever they are writing, and totally lost in everything else.  sounds like hes normal, for a writer! lol.

......now Jen, one of that "normal" stuff, lol