Yes! I saw The Two Towers. And yes! I loved it.
But before I write a "real" review--assuming I ever do; I mean, don't you guys have enough of those on your friends lists right now?--I give you this, a parody version of the script. Condensed of course. And subject to being very wrong in terms of chronology, since I've only seen the movie once so far.
Spoilers on EVERYTHING, and lots of lame slash-implication jokes.
THE TWO TOWERS (condensed)
By Molly Winter
Author's note: I LOVED this movie. Deeply, truly. Please keep that on record. But I have to write parody for everything, so here goes...
CARADHRAS
GANDALF: Isn't it odd how we fell for about three miles, and yet we ended up on TOP of a mountain?
BALROG: Who cares. It's freaking cold up here. I give up.
GANDALF: Cool. I think I'll go buy myself something white. White is supposed to be the new black this year...
EMYN MUIL
SAM and FRODO are sitting together on a rock. SAM stretches, and drops his arm around FRODO's shoulders.
SAM: So, sir. Finally it's just you and me.
FRODO: "Finally"? What do you mean?
SAM: Oh, uh...nothing...
FRODO: Well, you're wrong. We've got company.
GOLLUM flies out of the rocks and pounces on FRODO.
SAM: Hey! Wait your turn!
SAM and FRODO tie up GOLLUM.
GOLLUM: No! Smeagol not into ropes, nassty kinky hobbitses.
FRODO: We just want you to take us to Mordor, you sicko.
GOLLUM: Mordor? Hobbitses having little Goth phase, maybe? Very angsssty, wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. Can Smeagol offer black eyeliner to angsssty hobbitses?
SAM: You stop talking to Mr.--hmm. (to FRODO) You know, you wouldn't look half bad in eyeliner.
RIDDERMARK
EOMER: Hi! Okay, stop me if you've heard this one. An elf, a man, and a dwarf walk into the Riddermark...
LEGOLAS: Ooh! And the elf shoots arrows through this git who rides up on a horse. Yeah, I HAVE heard it! That's one of my favorites.
ARAGORN: Down, Legolas. Hey, have you folks seen a couple little guys, about this high..?
EOMER: Nope. Oh! Unless they were in that pile of corpses we burned.
ARAGORN: Thank you; that's...useful...
EOMER: Yeah; my bad. Here, have some horses.
FANGORN FOREST
MERRY: Yay! We escaped the Uruk-hai!
PIPPIN: Uh, Merry? That tree is checking you out.
TREEBEARD: Hoom! Furry lawn ornaments!
TREEBEARD picks up MERRY and PIPPIN and carts them off.
FANGORN FOREST (next day)
GANDALF: Hey, kids. Miss me?
ARAGORN: Gandalf! You're alive!
LEGOLAS: I almost had a facial expression from the joy of it!
EDORAS
LEMONLYE: A lot of political maneuvering takes place here. Let's see if I can summarize in ten lines or less.
THEODEN: I have ash all over my face and cannot speak for myself.
GRIMA: That's the way I like it.
GANDALF: Be blinded by my new robes! Recover your smooth complexion and your senses!
THEODEN: Hurrah! I am me again! But, damn, my son's dead.
GRIMA: Hmm. I better run.
ARAGORN: Good work, sire. Now collect your people and skedaddle to Helm's Deep.
EOWYN: Hal-lo, handsome!
ARAGORN: Hi. You handle pointy things very well.
EOWYN: Yes. My only fear is dying a virgin. Hint, hint.
ARAGORN: Okay! Well, let's move along.