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OK, I promised you I'd start this thread, and here it is. This is a place to put your jokes, if you wish. Other threads have jokes too, but this is a place solely for jokes. Post away with your witty wa-ha-ha's, and one-liners. B ___________________________ Today's Fractured fairy Tale
The seven dwarfs go to the vatican and they are ushered in
to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"
Dopey asks "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any
dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for
a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the other dwarfs start giggling.
Dopey turns round and glares at them and silences them. Dopey turns
back to the Pope, with a worried expression and asks
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and the
says "Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again Dopey turns round a silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says "Your Extreme Holiness, are there
ANY dwarf nuns any where in the world?"
After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm
sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns any where in the world." The other
dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears
streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting..............
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
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Top Ten Country & Western Songs. 10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine 9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I've Woke Up With a Few 8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me 7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin' 6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win 5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here 4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him 3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger 2. She Gets Better Lookin' with Every Beer And the Number One Country & Western song is... 1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day. |
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Q. Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore--under fiction. Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live. Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found? A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ." Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband? A: Tell him you're pregnant. Q: What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face? A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out. Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. Q: Where should 50+ year olds look for eye glasses? Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores? A: "Gee, I remember these." |
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A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around If he stopped, she stopped Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son.'
He answered, 'That's okay.'
'I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.'
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the
man called out, 'Goodbye, Mom.'
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
'That comes to $121.85,' said the clerk.
'How come so much ...I only bought 5 items....'
The clerk replied, 'Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too.'
'Don't trust little Old Ladies'!!!
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ABE AND ESTER
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to
celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system,
the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very
bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an
emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we
should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may
never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our
lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the
island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay
our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay
our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and
MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabbed her and gave her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls
away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us
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George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. <o:p></o:p> George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' He said 'No,' but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me'.
Then the police dispatcher said 'All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.'
George said, 'Okay.' He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!!
I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people
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THE GOOD NAPKINS ...
Ahhhhh ... The joys of having girls ..
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first
mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was
ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was
keeping ''napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those
were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake).
Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are
leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments
for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into
laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came
my
father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of
embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a
'special
occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged
on
top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the
edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the
other adults into further fits of laughter.
'But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!'
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This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic.. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 & 26 %.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top! |
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Tickle Me Elmo:
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
The Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle It under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
She reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
Open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
Line is backing up, putting the entire production line
Behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
Himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there
Are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
Really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
Of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush
Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece
Of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
Carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
Together and approaches Lena ..
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
Yesterday... '
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
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When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.
Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bi**h knows I'm smarter than her.
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| | | From: LadySue | Sent: 12/14/2008 4:59 PM |
LMAO!!! That guy & girlfriend's problem is what I call the "If I have to tell you... syndrome"  It's caused by chick flix and Cosmo magazine! |
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from mark raintree... sorry i could not post the pix that came with this.. and thanks mark...... smiles Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton |
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Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89
years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
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A Texas woodpecker and a New Mexico woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Texas woodpecker said Texas had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The New Mexico woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Texas woodpecker was amazed.
The New Mexico woodpecker then challenged the Texas woodpecker to peck a tree in New Mexico that was absolutely im-peck-able (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Texas woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge.
So the two flew to New Mexico where the Texas woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called im-peck-able tree with no problem.
Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that the New Mexico woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree and the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the New Mexico tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own state?? Huh?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:* Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
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not really a joke but fact!!!!!!!! A winter statistic
98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH SHIT' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY
ROAD.
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM MINNESOTA AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND
WATCH THIS.'
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50. Tell the stranger sitting next to you that that Benjaman Button kid looks exactly your Cousin Shmuel. 49. Stand outside of Loehmanns until Friday morning. 48. Fight LOUDLY. 47. Vote for Obama�?again. 46. Open Christmas Presents, depending on how self-hating you are. 45. Make a wig out of lo mein. Then, eat that wig. 44. Justify Hannukkah by saying “it is just like Christmas.�?/P> 43. Know, deep down, that it is much, much suckier than Christmas. 42. Wish they were Christian. 41. Wonder if the dog is Jewish. 40. Eat $5,000 Worth of Chocolate Coins. 39. Make inappropriate LOLocaust joke over breakfast. 38. Complain about EVERYTHING. 37. Get crunk on the manny shevs. 36. Play the classic game “Let’s Make Our Children Feel ‘Less Than’�?/P> 35. Avoid Playing Sports. Football? More like Let’s Wash Our Socksball. 34. Send their food back for not being hot enough. 33. Ask if anyone’s chilly/boiling hot. 32. Offer more food while simultaneously telling your kids how fat they are. 31. Polish their gun collection (JK!!) 30. Visit Nana at the home for your Annual Christmas Rummy Cube Tournament. 29. Feel jealous that the Rosens get a gift each night while you only get 1. Feel less jealous when the Rosens get a divorce 3 months later and their kids can’t stop crying in math class. 28. Light The Hannukkah Candles. Then, cry themselves to sleep. 27. For one day, feel safe that they won’t be enslaved. 26. Watch A Christmas Story on TBS roughly 5.4 times while warming their feet under the dog. 25. Go through menopause. 24. Check where that draft is coming from. 23. Remind Everyone that Flick is in porn now. 22. Pace. 21. Realize they have another three months before they’re blamed for killing Jesus again. 20. Talk about how fabulous Slumdog Millionaire is. (And how!) 19. Make a holiday toast�?using actual toast.
18. Avoid dairy. 17. Sit on the couch watching TV while yelling out “Sheilaaa! I think the antennae’s broken. I can’t see anything!�?/P> 16. Not go see Valkyrie. 15. Still care if I am dating a Jew, because otherwise Hitler wins. 14. Make sure any film about the Holocaust gets an Oscar. 13. Think of non-Jewish versions of your last name. 12. Shred some sort of disgusting food up to make a ball of that food that is slightly less disgusting. 11. Come up with yet another way to spell Chanukah. 10. Write extremely long, stereotypical lists. 9. Talk loudly to the maid because she speaks a different language. 8. Buy next year’s Chanukah cards at a discount. 7. Be frail. 6. Talk about what a koorvah that Madonna is. 5. Ask that someone just kill you already/Pray to God that you die soon. 4. Play Dreidel for 10 minutes before realizing you have no idea how. 3. Say “Y’know, he’s Jewish�?about someone famous. 2. Ask your parents where your other gifts are, insisting that an LSAT study book does NOT count. 1. Flat Iron hair. |
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