Hi, shiny new show!  It’s good to meet you.  This is a tough one to recap, because a lot of the awesomeness comes from stylistic camera angles and other such things that I can’t fit in here, but I’ll try to do it justice.

Right away we learn that the first rule of Leverage is you do not talk about Leverage that this show does not fuck around.  We jump right into the story, no fancy-pants introductions needed.  A man is sitting in a ritzy airport bar, getting his drink on.  An invisible typewriter gives us his id, reading “Nathan Ford: Ex-Insurance Investigator.�?nbsp; Another man comes over and sits next to him, saying that he knows who he is and recapping some of Nate’s accomplishments with the insurance company he worked for.  WAY later in the episode they reveal that he is Victor Dubenich of Bering Aerospace, but I’m going to cheat and tell you now so I don’t have to keep typing “that guy.�?nbsp; Victor alludes to the company letting Nate’s family down somehow, but we don’t hear more about that because Nate tells him that they’re almost at “the point in the conversation where I punch you nine or ten times in the neck.�?nbsp; Heh.  Victor also says that someone stole his airplane designs and that he wants Nate to steal them back.

And see, this is the part of the show that makes me think that it really, REALLY hates recappers, because it cuts back and forth between two different set of events and time frames.  Show, do you know how hard that is to describe in a linear fashion?  Anyway, we’re currently across the street from a high rise building at night.  The invisible typewriter from a minute ago tells us that this is the headquarters of Pierson Avionics.  Nate and three other people are there, and Nate breaks away from the group to set up shop in a different building.

And now we’re back to Nate’s meeting with Victor, who reasserts that the head of Pierson Avionics stole his airplane designs.  Because he has a shareholders' meeting at the end of the month, he doesn’t have time to get them back through the court system, so he’s hired three thieves to help them.  Nate looks over their profiles and sees that their all people he’s chased at one point or another and that they’re all people who typically work alone. Nate is hesitant, since he’s not a criminal, but that’s exactly Victor’s point.  “I already have thieves,�?he explains.  “What I need is one honest man to watch over them.�?/P>

And we’re back at the building across the street from Pierson Avionics.  Nate fiddles with his computer until a blue-print of the tower is projected on the wall. Impressive.

Aaaaaaaaaaand we’re back at the meeting! Nate doesn’t see how this can possibly work, given that each of the thieves likes to fly solo, but apparently even the most anti-social criminals will play nice if offered $300,000.  Victor offers Nate twice that if he signs on and, more importantly, he offers him revenge against “the insurance company that let [his] son die.�?nbsp; As soon as he says that, Nate’s along for the ride.

Back at Pierson Avionics (where we actually get to stay for a while, thank God), we meet the rest of the thieves.  First is Alex Hardison, who specializes in “Internet and Computer Fraud.�?nbsp; We get a flashback of him from five years ago, in which security guards break into his hotel suite looking for Mick Jagger.  There are women around him in Princess Leia bikinis, playing with light sabers, and he casually tells the guards that “this is not the room you’re looking for.�?nbsp; Awesome. Back in the present, he hands off some new communications devices to the second thief, who seems a bit surly.  His name is Eliot Spencer, he’s a “Retrieval Specialist,�?and he’s rocking some serious Billy Ray Cyrus hair.  We get another flashback, this time of Eliot in Serbia three years ago.  He walks up to a big group of thugs, sipping something from a mug while his luxurious locks frame his face artfully, and asks for “the merchandise.�?nbsp; The thugs draw their guns and we cut to an exterior shot while shots fire.  When we get back to the room Eliot is still just sipping from his mug while all the thugs lay dead on the floor, and their boss hands Eliot a baseball card.  We go back to the present and meet the third thief, the apparently crazy and last-nameless Parker.  And boy, did they pick the right person to play the crazy chick, because Beth Riesgraf is the loon who named her son Pilot Inspektor.  I will never understand that one.  Anyway, the invisible typewriter lets us know that Parker specializes in “Security Circum, Infiltration,�?and is just a thief in general.  Her flashback is a little more unsettling, as it involves domestic violence, child abuse, and murder.   We see her as a little girl nineteen years ago.  Her father takes away her bunny and says that if she wants it back she’ll have to do what he says or “be a better thief.�?nbsp; This gives her an idea, and she walks away with her bunny while she blows up her house and (presumably) her parents.  Ah, nostalgia.

The team gets ready to move in, but Parker decides to repel down the side of the building a bit ahead of schedule.  She dangles outside an office, cuts a hole in the glass, deactivates the motions detector and gracefully flips inside.  She sneaks into a room with all sorts of wire, some of which connect to an elevator.  Hardison and Eliot, who snuck into the building through a vent, ride the elevator down when Parker gets it working.  They get to a door and Hardison starts to crack the ten digit password.  There’s a potential problem, though, because some of the security guards are doing their rounds early so they can watch the basketball playoffs.  Eliot hides so they can use Hardison as bait, and the security guards quickly find the hacker and hold him at gunpoint.  Never fear, though, because Eliot comes strolling to the rescue and WHOA BABY is he STACKED!  Those are some impressive guns, boy.  Eliot makes quick work of the security guards, disarming them and knocking them out with impossible speed.  When he’s done he stands amongst the bodies and ejects the clip from a gun, saying “That’s what I do.�?nbsp; UNF UNF UNF.

They finally crack the password and open the door, revealing Pierson Avionics�?hard drive.  Hardison gets all the files and backups, leaving a few viruses as a parting gift.  When they try to leave Parker realizes that the guards reset all the alarms on the floors above them, meaning they have to go incognito to get out on the ground floor.  They change into buisness-wear and give Parker a leg brace and crutch.  They also draw on her face, but I still can’t figure out what that’s about.  The three of them make it out of the building successfully and Nate drives the getaway car.  A few hours later they watch as Hardison sends Victor the files, and everyone seems relieved that they no longer have to work together.  Actually, Hardison does seem open to the idea of future collaborations, but everyone else basically tells him to GTFO.  We get a nice aerial shot of them standing in the middle of a crossroads before they all walk off in separate directions.

The next morning, Nate is woken up by his cell phone ringing.  He answers it, knocking over some empty nip bottles on the way (am I sensing a theme here?), and hears Victor yelling at him on the line.  Victor is five kinds of pissed because he never got the designs, even though Nate watched Hardison send them.  He’s freezing all of the payments, and he tells Nate to go to an undisclosed address in an hour.  I smell trouble!  An hour later Nate arrives at a warehouse and finds Hardison holding a gun on Eliot.  Nate tricks him and gets the gun away, because Hardison is one of those super smart guys who is super dumb about real world situations.  Eliot isn’t packing because he doesn’t like guns, and methinks that will come up again at some point.  Parker arrives a moment later, saying the lack of money hurts her “in [her] special, angry place.�?nbsp; Once they’re all there it takes Nate about two seconds to figure out that this is a set up, and they manage to run out of the building just before it explodes.

Tragically, they can’t get far enough away to avoid being knocked out by the blast, and when Nate wakes up he’s handcuffed to a hospital bed.  Eliot is handcuffed to a chair near the window, and Parker and Hardison are stuck in the next room.  The police printed them twenty minutes ago, meaning they have about ten minutes to get out before the state police call and reveal who they really are.  Though the thieves all want to try and escape individually, Nate asks them to follow his plan.  They don’t trust each other but do trust Nate (who is “an honest man�?, so they agree to follow his lead.  First, Parker makes herself throw up in order to get a phone.  I really thought she had SWALLOWED a phone at some point just in case she needed one and was regurgitating it, but it turns out she was just trying to attract people that they could steal phones from.  That makes more sense.  Eliot uses one of the phones to pose as the state police, and then Nate poses as the FBI.  Nate says that Hardison is actually an undercover officer, and they use a fake badge Hardison created with a picture phone he stole as proof of this fact.  The ruse works, and the group gets away just as the real state police make contact with the local sheriff.  Victory!

Once they’re out of dodge, the group goes to Hardison’s apartment to get some tickets out of the country.  Eliot is more interesting in beating Victor to a bloody pulp for trying to kill them, while Parker has more of a problem with the fact that he didn’t pay them.  “I take that personally,�?she says, looking off into space.  Hey, you know what your son takes personally?  Being named Pilot Inspektor.  You got what you had coming, sister.  Anyway, Hardison does some digging and finds proof that Pierson Avionics really did come up with the designs; Victor hired them to steal the designs, not to steal them back.  He pretended to be a wronged party so the thieves wouldn’t think he’d double cross them.  They’re about to cut their losses anyway when Nate suggests that they do a job on Victor, set him up to lose his fortune.  His plan should work for everyone; Eliot wants revenge, Parker wants money, Hardison also wants revenge but can’t think of anything better than “sending a thousand porno magazines to his office,�?and Nate wants Victor to pay for using his son to convince him to do the job.  An unholy alliance, it has been formed.

But what’s that, kids?  How can they work a job when they can’t be seen by Victor?  An excellent question, and one that Nate has already found an answer to.  They go to see a woman named Sophie, who is absolutely BUTCHERING Lady Macbeth’s “unsex me�?monologue.  No, really, it’s painful.  The thieves agree, but Nate assures them that “this is not her stage.�?nbsp; They meet her in a very shady alley after her performance, and the invisible typewriter tells us that her name is Sophie Devereaux and that she’s a grifter.  We flashback to Paris seven years ago.  Sophie is trying to steal a bunch of paintings and Nate catches her in the act.  They both shoot each other, but are evidently not severely harmed.  Back in the present, Sophie and Nate are brewing up a big pot of unresolved sexual tension.  She tells him that she’s living honestly now, and he simply replies that he’s not.  “I always thought you had it in you,�?she says, and agrees to join the team.

The team gathers back at Hardison’s apartment, and show FINALLY tells us Victor’s name and profession.  Aren’t you glad that I didn’t make you guys wait that long?  Because he’s a thief, Hardison made copies of the plane designs.  They look them over and Nate says a whole bunch of stuff that basically amounts to “I know a shitload about planes,�?though he says he’s just picked up the info here and there.  “You pick up a lot of stuff,�?Hardison says, and Parker lets out a loud laugh.  It took me a while to get that, but I think the joke is about picking up STDs, right?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?  In any case, Nate seems to have a plan already, and it has something to do with Nigerians.  Of course it does.

Over at Victor’s office, his secretary tells him that his “nine o’clock is here.�?nbsp; The camera pans over and we see that it’s Sophie, posing as a very hot representative from the African Commercial Transport and Trade Initiative.  And let me tell you guys, she is rocking the business suit and the African accent.  Hardison is still back at his apartment with Nate, and he comments on how not sucky Sophie sounds over their communication system.  “This is her stage,�?Nate informs him.  “She’s the finest actress you’ve ever seen…when she’s breaking the law.�?nbsp; Sophie tells Victor that her company tries to create jobs in Africa and keep stealing manageable, and that she thinks they should talk “somewhere less formal.�?nbsp; Probably stunned that a gorgeous woman is actually acknowledging his existence, Victor starts to refuse.  Seriously man, hop on that!  If you don’t I will, sexual orientation be damned!  After a few moments Victor manages to follow Sophie out of the office, and then the real fun begins.

Hardison hacks into the secretary’s computer and makes it crash, causing her to call IT.  Of course, Parker has hacked into the phone lines and poses as IT, telling the secretary that someone will be with her in a moment.  That someone turns out to be Eliot, geeked out with everything from a pocket protector to horn rimmed glasses.  Somehow this makes him look even more like Billy Ray Cyrus, which is both hilarious and a little unsettling.  While he distracts the secretary with his geeky swagger, Parker sneaks into Victor’s office.  She plants a bug under his desk, does something to his computer and gets out. We hear pieces of Eliot’s conversation with the secretary while she does this, including his confession that he “loves dressing up like a Kling On and going to all those conventions.�?nbsp; Show, if you actually make this happen I will be yours forever.

Meanwhile, Sophie is still making Victor feel all funny inside with her flirtations and business propositions.  She tells him she wants his company to build all of their new planes in Nigeria, using the country as a base of operations.  Initially he refuses to even meet with the Nigerian representatives, but when she threatens to take the offer to Pierson he caves.  Success!

That night the group gathers back at Hardison’s apartment.  Hardison looks through the files Parker got and everyone else chillaxes.  This, of course, leads to some guy love.  Eliot and Nate have a heart to heart over a game of pool, as Nate is a little uncomfortable with just how good it feels to be a criminal.  Dude, have you been watching?  This is the LIFE.  I’d quit this job to pull of heists with my peeps in an instant.  When Nate tries to redirect the conversation Eliot offers his condolences about Nate’s son.  Apparently the boy was sick, and the insurance company Nate worked for refused to pay for treatment on the grounds that it was experimental. We briefly see the child on his deathbed via flashback before Nate abruptly (and rudely) ends the conversation.  Sophie comes over and momentarily revives the UST, and Hardison watches them with childish glee.

The next day Victor arrives at a building in which Sophie’s company is supposed to have an office.  He arrives early, so Nate distracts him by smashing out car windows while Parker helps Sophie repel down the stairwell.  She gets there just in time, though she’s probably knocked a few years off of her life.  In the elevator on the way up to the fake offices, Sophie tells Victor that the Nigerians will expect “compensation�?for their business.  In other words, they want a bribe.  By the time they get the offices Eliot has attached a sign bearing the company’s name to the wall, and it all looks quite legit.  The meeting seems to go well, and at the end one of the Nigerians hands Sophie an envelope to give to Victor.  He opens it and finds that the Nigerians have requested $1 million, a sum he finds quite acceptable.  When he gets back to his office, Victor and his assistant look under his desk and find the bug. Turns out Victor did a little research of his own and found out that Sophie and her offer weren’t legit.  He knows he’s being hustled and he calls the FBI to inform them that the Nigerians will be at the shareholders�?meeting the next day.

While the meeting commences the next day, the team prepare to do their thing.  When Sophie gets there and greets Victor he suggests that they close the Nigerian deal immediately.  She seems a bit taken aback by this decision but agrees to get the meeting started.  Victor leads everybody into a conference room.  As soon as they’re there he pages the FBI agents, who promptly try to arrest him.    He’s like “um, what is this fuckery?�?and the FBI agent informs him that the Nigerian government officials are in face Nigerian government officials.  See, Sophie contacted them and told them that she worked directly under Victor.  They thought that they were meeting Victor in his other office, and we see a flashback of Eliot changing the sign outside of the office to read “Bering Aerospace.�?nbsp; When Victor realizes that everything has well and truly gone to hell, he runs outside to try to do damage control with the shareholders.  Unfortunately it is very difficult to explain heavy FBI presence at a meeting, and one of the officers makes matters worse by asking who else was involved in the bribe.  Victor once again realizes that he was tricked, and we see a flashback of Sophie handing him a different envelope from the one the Nigerians gave her.  That one contained a check for $200,000, meaning that Victor accepted a bribe from the nationals.  Thanks to the good ol�?Patriot Act the FBI can seize all of Bering’s papers and computers, and the workers can’t get rid of everything in time.  In all the pandemonium he doesn’t Nate and the gang, dressed in FBI jackets, walking out of the office with boxes of files.

Sometime later, Nate meets with Mr. Pierson, the head of Pierson Avionics.  He gives Pierson a copy of all the files that were stolen and “proof that they were on Bering computers.�?nbsp; In exchange, Pierson agrees not to press charges against Nate or “his people.�?nbsp; Though Pierson offers money, Nate turns him down, saying that “this particular project has a different revenue stream.�?nbsp; Cut over to Victor’s office, where the FBI is having a field day going through his stuff.  The TV news reports that Bering stock plummeted, prompting a massive sellout.   Victor is looking thoroughly depressed when his phone rings.  It’s Nate, explaining exactly how they set him up.  The bribe charge will stick, since Sophie used the money “to buy a truly impressive number of shoes.�?nbsp; Work it, girl.  He also explains that, since they knew the stock would fall, he and the team managed to make “shattering amounts of money.�?nbsp; It seems this is the case, since everyone pretty much falls over when they look at the checks Hardison hands them.  At first everyone wants to stick to the “one time only�?teamwork deal, but as he walks away they all come running after Nate.  He doesn’t want any part of it, since his job has always been taking down bad guys, so Sophie suggests that he only choose bad guys for them to work over.  He thinks about it, and suddenly we’re in the living room of a very distraught couple.  They explain how a company killed their teenage daughter and that they don’t have the money to pay for revenge.  And now Nate gives us a lovely little summary of the show that usually comes at the beginning of the pilot, explaining exactly what the concept is and what will happen from now on:

People like that, corporations like that, they have all the money and all the power, and they use it to make people like you go away.  Right now you’re suffering under an enormous weight.  We provide...leverage.

Dear Show,

The next time you plan on having this much hotness in one episode, please include a warning.  I only have two ovaries, and I don’t want them both to explode in the face of Christian Kane’s hotness before I have kids.

Infertilely yours,
Gemma

The invisible typewriter lets us know that we’re starting the week at Kensington Racetrack Stables in Kentucky.  I woman drives up to a burning barn and jumps out of her truck, screaming for her dad.  A horse runs out of the barn and her father follows after, saying that it’s too late to save the other horses.  Cut to the man’s office, in which he’s briefing Nate and Eliot on the fire.  Nine horses were killed and one, Baltimore, survived with smoke in his lungs.  The man is Eliot’s friend Willy, and it seems that Eliot knows almost as much about training horses as he does.  Willy didn’t fully own the horses, since horse-racing is actually “a rich man’s game.�?nbsp; But a “Wall Street guy�?named Alan Foss offered him 10 percent ownership when he started up his horse franchise, so Willy agreed.  Only problem was that the horses weren’t meeting Foss�?expectations, so he burned the barn down to collect the insurance money on them.  He’s been telling people that the fire was Willy’s fault, meaning that Willy’s lost his barn and his reputation.  Because all of the people they help on this show are saintly, Willy doesn’t want any of Foss�?$2 million insurance payout; he just wants Baltimore so he can take care of the horse.

At that moment his daughter Aimee walks in, and gets really pissed upon seeing Eliot.  Apparently they used to be lovers, and she hasn’t forgiven him for leaving eight years before and never making contact.  Yeah, that’s a pretty good reason to be angry.  They were also fairly serious, as Eliot gave her a promise ring.  Can someone please explain the concept of promise rings to me?  You’re promising to get engaged, right?  So why don’t you just get engaged and be done with it?  Ultimately they’re both promising marriage, so what’s the difference?  Anyway, Eliot tries to promise that he won’t let his feelings for his ex-fiancée get in the way of the case, but he doesn’t know how to do the Scouts�?honor sign.  More importantly, though, Eliot is especially hot in this scene (if you couldn’t already guess that from my letter to the show).  Maybe it’s the flannel shirt or the broodiness over the horses dying, but there’s a little something extra.  I would hit it approve.

In Geek Central, Hardison is briefing the entire time on the case.  Foss is a hedge fund manager in New York, and he’s very good at making money in all different sorts of ways, including high-stakes poker.  Parker raises her hand and asks to be excused from this case, since she’s got a morbid fear of horses.  We flashback to Camden, Illinois 20 years ago.  Little Parker and her bunny are at a birthday party, and they watch in horror as a man in a horse costume beats a clown to death.  Jeeze, no wonder Parker is so screwy.  The team decides to ignore her plea, but Hardison keeps getting interrupted and gets frustrated.  “Y’all wanna take over the briefings?�?he asks.  “I got to a lot of trouble to make these things interesting, have something visual for the visual learners, and the auditory learns, and it’s just interruption.�?nbsp; Hee.  Parker notices that IYS, Nate’s old employer, holds the insurance policy on the horses, and Nate’s excited by the prospect of sticking it to them.  The goal, of course, is to get Baltimore back to Willy, and they’ll need to infiltrate the Kensington Race Tracks to do so.

They go down to the tracks and do their thing; Eliot, Hardison and Nate set up a fixed poker game while Sophie poses as a horse seller named Kitty.  She meets Foss at the bar, and even though her accent somehow manages to sound both British and Southern at the same time, Foss is to smitten to notice.  She steals his wallet and gives it to Parker, who discovers that he has a $50,000 credit card limit and that he bet on a horse named Kentucky Thunder.  He wants to take her out after the race but she says that she’s hosting a high stakes poker game with a $50,000 buy-in.  He wants in, and she agrees.

They head off to the poker game and Sophie introduces everyone under aliases.  Eliot poses as Brad Mackey, the best horse trainer around, and Nate poses as his boss, Bob Gibson.  Nate is totally digging this whole southern thing, and he plays it well.  Foss insists that they use his deck of cards, and Parker manages to figure out what’s what with the deck on the computer in the next room.  As such, the game doesn’t go well for Foss, who ends up having to put Baltimore into the pot in order to stay in the game.  It comes down to him and Nate (who knows some pretty sweet card tricks, btw), and naturally Nate wins.  Foss throws a hissy fit, and we see a flashback of all the tricky ways in which the team cheated.  And that’s it folks!  The job is done.  See you next week!

But of course, show wants to work my poor little typing fingers to the bone, so it’s not really over.  As Nate’s walking through the parking lot (looking five kinds of badass, I might add), a car pulls up next to him.  It’s Sterling, who got Nate’s old position at IYS after he left.  Sterling is very suspicious, and thinks that Nate is trying to earn his job back.  He also says that he thinks Willy started the fire, even though he really knows that he’s innocent.  Just then Sophie pulls up in her own car.  She and Sterling recognize each other, and Sterling becomes even more suspicious when he realizes that Nate has been palling around with a criminal.  Nate and Sophie realize that they need a new plan.

Apparently Sterling is one badass insurance investigator, as he once spent five days in the trunk of a car just to catch someone.  Ew, how did he potty?  Anyway, Nate says that Sterling is only going to car about messing up whatever he’s doing, so they have to find another way to get the job done.  This new plan involves setting up an actual business for Bob Gibson, so Eliot talks to Aimee and she gets them a stable and some horses.  That doesn’t mean she’s still not royally pissed at him, though.  Meanwhile, Parker and Hardison are in a black van, running interference on Sterling.  His car is automated, so Hardison can control it with his computer.  It goes well for about two seconds until Sterling calls the cops and reports he saw a black van with blood all over the door and screaming coming out of it.  “He’s like Nate,�?Parker says, shocked.  “Evil Nate.�?nbsp; Trufax.

Back at the new stable, Sophie shows Foss around until Nate greets them.  Nate is pretending to about as big an asshole as Foss is, kicking Eliot out of his office and putting a ridiculous price on Baltimore.  He and Sophie leave and Foss starts ranting to Eliot about the horseracing business.  He wants to “modernize the sport�?by making investment portfolios with horses, essentially running small-time players out of the business.  Again, the most important part of this scene is actually that Eliot is laying on the Southern accent.  NNGH.

Eliot reports Foss�?business plans to Nate, Sophie and Aimee.  Aimee is not happy that things have gone from bad to worse, so she and Eliot finally talk about their problems.  He says he only left because she got married, but she says that he was constantly leaving before that.  She asks what reason he could have for leaving and never making contact, and we see a flashback of him as a prisoner, shirtless and beaten up, while his captors ask where the money is.  That is just…I have no words for the hotness.  Thank God it was brief, otherwise my TV would have spontaneously combusted.  As if that wasn’t enough, Eliot tries to kiss Aimee and she pulls away, only to push him against the wall and kiss him senseless.  They move into a stall and stable sex ensues.  WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME, SHOW?

Back in the barn’s office, Nate and Sophie try to come up with a new plan. Parker and Hardison enter, talking about the pros and cons of Mr. Ed.  I’m with Parker on this one; talking horses that no one else can hear do always end badly.  Hardison says something about Wilber loving Mr. Ed “like a second cousin twice removed�?and suddenly Nate has a plan.  Horses are valued largely based on their bloodlines, so they’re going to make up a lost heir to the best racehorses in history.  The fictional horse would be worth millions, and they’re going to make Foss buy it.

A while later the group meets at the tracks.  Sophie warns Eliot about “chasing the past,�?but he says that she and Nate have been doing a lot of that themselves.  He also calls her “sweetie,�?which is just about the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.  All racehorses have microchips in their necks with an ID number on them.  Hardison can hack in to the IFHA website and change the info under a horses ID number to that of another horse.  They want to use Baltimore in this scheme, but Eliot says it won’t work because the horse still has lung damage from the fire and because they won’t be able to disguise him enough so that Foss won’t recognize him.  This leaves them with no option but stealing a racehorse, and they decide to go after Kentucky Thunder.

Sophie goes to meet Kentucky Thunder’s trainer, telling him that she’s from Sports Illustrated and that they’ve been calling all morning about an interview.  Hardison hacks into the trainer’s phone so that it looks like they really have been calling him, and the trainer leaves Kentucky Thunder unattended.  Back at the tracks, Nate and Hardison wait with some Asian tourists the randomly picked up from the airport.  They’re pretending that the tourists are the horse’s owners.  Eliot drives Foss up to the meeting in a golf cart, asking Foss if he’s ever heard of the Beijing Jockey Club.  It was a prestigious club, but when the Chinese government collapsed all 600 horses there were killed.  “They didn’t kill 600 horses,�?Eliot corrects, pointing at Kentucky Thunder.  “They killed 599.�?nbsp; He clocks the horse’s race time, and Foss seems impressed.  Eliot says that the horse’s name is Fei Kuai, and that the owners plan to sell him to Gibson “for a fraction of what he’s worth.�?nbsp; Foss checks the IFHA website and finds that Fei Kuai is related to a number of famous horses, including Secretariat.

Hardison found that, with the money from his investors, Foss is in control of $12 million.  Sophie manipulates him into spending all of it on the horse. The tourists take a picture with Foss, and everything seems to be going well until she goes to the bathroom.  While she’s there she meets with Sterling and gives him the camera.  It’s got a video on it of Nate and Sophie working the con.  Oh, this doesn’t look good.

A bit later, Nate’s drinking (per usual) when Sterling walks into his barn office.  He finds it hard to believe that Nate’s become a common criminal, though given the man’s self-destructive past it shouldn’t come as a surprise.  Nate correctly assumes that Sterling didn’t tell Foss about the con because he didn’t want to risk the insurance investigation.  The next day they face even more problems, sine Kentucky Thunder was sent to a stud farm and they can’t substitute another horse in the sale.  Nate wants to change the plan but Eliot says they have to try, and Sophie defends him when Nate accuses him of just trying to prove something to Aimee.  They all have something to prove.  Nate agrees to stick with the plan and assumes that Sophie has something to prove to him, and she coolly corrects him.  Go on, girl! 

Parker, Hardison, Eliot, and Aimee arrive at the stud farm.  There’s no way in except for Parker to go in through the vents and open the door from the inside.  She’s not happy about this plan, because of the morbid fear of horses and whatnot, but she does it anyway when Aimee assures her that she won’t have to make contact with any of the horses.  She crawls through the vent, mocking her colleagues before she realizes that they can still hear her, and eventually makes it to the back room.  Unfortunately, Kentucky Thunder is there waiting for her.  She stands still in complete terror for a moment before tentatively petting the horse.  When she finally opens the door, she seems to have largely overcome her fear, saying that “horses much less murderous than I originally thought.�?nbsp; Hee.

Back at the stables, Kitty leads Foss to a stall with Fei Kuai’s name on it.  The horse recovery team is almost back to the stables when they encounter a car accident.  There’s no way they’ll be able to get around it, and they’ll probably go to jail for stealing Kentucky Thunder.  Eliot is so not down with that, so he gets Kentucky Thunder out of the trailer and rides him, bareback, to the stables.  This is both relevant to my interests and very uncomfortably-looking.  Big ups to Christian Kane for actually doing it.  He arrives just as Nate is about to pull the plug, saying “the pony express is never late.�?nbsp; He quickly brings the horse around back and Sophie takes Foss to meet with him.  After checking the microchip Foss pays the $12 million.  He then leads his investors to Fei Kuai’s stall.  Sterling is with him, and he informs Foss that Fei Kuai is actually Kentucky Thunder.  When Kentucky Thunder’s trainer sees the horse, though, he says that it’s not his.  They scan the horse and find that it’s actually Baltimore.  We get a flashback of the team switching the name plates and numbers of a few stalls so that Foss would get turned around and wouldn’t question the location of his new acquisition.  Since Foss tried to have Baltimore insured for $12 million when he was only insured for $200,000 before, he’s committed insurance fraud.  That means the company can deny his claim, leaving him on the hook for the fire and for the $10 million he owes the investors.  When all is said and done, Foss is left flat broke.

Nate and Elliot meet with Willy again, giving him ownership of Baltimore and the $12 million Foss paid for Fei Kuai.  Out of gratitude, Willy promises to name his next horse Mr. Ford.  Aw.  Willy and Nate leave the office so Eliot and Aimee can say goodbye (not like that!).  Aimee thinks that Eliot will never settle down, but she’s “glad [he] found a family.�?nbsp; Eliot is a little shocked that she considers the team his family, but gets over it enough to kiss her goodbye.  As they do, one of Christian Kane’s songs plays.  He’s got a pretty good voice.

Nate arrives back at Leverage headquarters and finds Sterling waiting for him.  Each helped the other in achieving what he set out to do, so they come to a temporary truce.  Sterling still has some problems with Nate, as he thinks Nate believes he’s above the law.  “I like to think of it as I pick up where the law leaves off,�?Nate tells him.  Both pledge to take names the next time they meet, thus establishing a season-long rivalry arc.  I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t wait to see how it plays out.

First and foremost, Merry Christmas/Chanukah/Yule/random day in December!  I hope everyone had a great day!

This week’s episode is brought to you buy the Catholic Church.  Here there be shameless commercialism, gang violence, and false miracles, but the real tragedy is that we have an entire episode about a church and somehow none of our boys dress up like priests.  WTF, show?  Wasted opportunity much?

A priest, Father Paul, and a woman walk away from St. Nicolas�?Church, discussing an upcoming meeting with the City Council.  It seems the city wants to close down the church, and an embittered Fr. Paul practices a speech he will give begging the Council to leave the church alone.  Just then a group of thugs comes up behind them and start attacking the father.  Oh, they are going to be in trouble when they die!  I once had to say three Hail Mary’s for arguing with my sister, so I don’t even want to know what sort of prayer it’s going to take to cleanse these souls.  Fr. Paul manages to give one of the thugs a solid punch to the shoulder before they take him down.  The woman screams for help and the thugs finally walk away, leaving Fr. Paul semi-conscious on the ground.

At Leverage headquarters, Eliot and Hardison are desperately trying to avoid Sophie.  When she finds them and thanks them for attending her play the previous night, they stutter out lies about how amazing she was.  How adorable is it that these guys go to her plays?  They all seem to have developed genuine friendships through Leverage, and I couldn’t love it more if I tried.  Parker also gives her review of the play.  The good news: it was awesome in the way that a horror movie is awesome; the bad news: it was Death of a Salesman.  Wow, this theatre must be really crappy if it had to a) hire Sophie to play the male lead and b) hire Sophie at all.  The second Sophie leaves the room Eliot confesses that last night was “the worst night of [his] life, though Hardison thinks he’s exaggerating.  We get a brief flashback of someone playing Russian Roulette with Eliot’s head, but when he returns to the present he still insists that the play was worth.  Based on our past experiences with Sophie’s acting, I can believe it.  Sophie goes into Geek Central to see Nate, who immediately praises her performance and accidentally reveals that he didn’t really see the show.  Just when they’re all about to get down to business, Nate gets a call from someone named Maggie.  Sophie looks very uncomfortable, and informs the team that Maggie is Nate’s ex-wife.

Maggie also seems to be a parishioner at St. Nicolas�? because she’s calling in regards to the attack on Fr. Paul.  Nate visits Fr. Paul in his hospital room after reading the police report of the incident.  It’s uncomfortable for him, because he cannot separate hospitals from memories of his son’s death.  Neither man believes that the attack was unrelated to Fr. Paul’s meeting with the City Council.  Regardless, Fr. Paul has resigned himself to the church’s closing and asks Nate to attend his last mass.  “It’s not going to be your last mass,�?Nate tells him, and he leaves to go “help God’s plan along.�?/P>

The team gathers in St. Nicolas�?Church.  There is a fairly large statue of St. Nicolas at the back of the church, and Parker is convinced that he’s actually Santa.  Hee.  It’s pretty clear to everyone that whoever attacked Fr. Paul did so to make sure that nothing stopped the church’s closing.  Hardison informs the group that a company called Kennedy Corp. bought the church via a number of shell companies.  Once everyone has their assigned jobs, Nate has a brief flashback of his son’s baptism in the same church.  The child’s mother and godparents are mysteriously absent from the flashback, but whatever.  When we get back to the present Nate tells Sophie that Fr. Paul is an old friend, and it is suddenly apparent just how important this case is to him.

Eliot and Hardison walk through a tunnel to lure a local gun.  This all seems pretty par for the course for Eliot, but Hardison is about one sudden movement from shitting his pants.  The gang shows up and the leader tries to intimidate Eliot by showing him the gun tucking in his pants (not like that!)  Eliot quickly responds by grabbing the gun, removing the safety and keeping in pointed at the leader’s penis.  Awesome.  Another thug immediately holds a gun about an inch from Eliot’s face.  “See, this is why I don’t like guns,�?Eliot says.  “They have a specific range of efficacy.  Most guys make one mistake; they get too close.�?nbsp; With that, he quickly knocks the gun out of the would-be shooter’s hand and knocks the man to the ground with a fierce headbutt.  That whole “range of efficacy�?thing may be true, but I don’t buy it as the only reason Eliot doesn’t like guns.  There is most definitely some gun-related trauma in this guy’s past.  In any case, Eliot asks who beat Fr. Paul up, but the leader insists that they would never hurt a priest.  One gang member is hanging back, looking generally suspicious.  Hardison pushes him to the ground and the main cries out in the pain when his shoulder is jostled, revealing that he was the thug Fr. Paul punched.  The gang leader doesn’t take kindly to this news.  He holds his gun at the thug until the man tells Eliot and Hardison everything he knows.  All he can give them is the number of the person who hired him for the job, but that’s all Hardison needs.

The team gathers at Geek Central, where Hardison informs them that the call came from a pay phone.  This pay phone is located outside of a luxury apartment complex owned by Andrew Grant, who probably owns the shell companies that bought the church.  The man is “a media whore�?who constantly goes through publicists and who takes a boatload of anti-anxiety pills.  The ribbon cutting of the apartment complex is the next day, so the team plans to make their move then.

Over at the apartment complex, things are kind of a mess.  Grant (a hilarious Scott Lowell) verbally abuses his assistant Tomas, blaming him for pretty much everything that has been going wrong.  Sophie approaches him as a reporter, but he tells her to go down to the press conference.  Eliot, Hardison, and Parker are all disguised as construction workers.  Parker knocks into him and sneakily switches his anti-anxiety medication with another pill bottle.  A moment later Eliot flips Tomas with a wheel barrel, effectively separating him from his boss.  Meanwhile, Grant and Sophie get on an elevator to the ground floor.  Mid-trip the elevator stops, and Grant freaks out.  He pops several of his pills, not knowing that Parker replaced them with speed.  Yes, speed.  Because Parker is awesome.  The results are predicable hilarious.  Grant has an epic freak out, screaming that he’s “going to fire every one of you!�?nbsp; Naturally, the press can hear him, and Grant starts freaking out about how he’s just ruined his reputation.  Sophie quickly solves this problem by letting Grant pick her up and tell the press that she fainted.  While the paramedics attend to her, Grant whispers that he’ll give her an interview.

When Sophie meets Grant in his office for said interview, he has a little surprise for her; he’s making her his new publicist.  She takes the job on the condition that there be no secrets between them, and he agrees.  As a result, the team learns that Grant plans to build a “lifestyle center�?on the site of the church. They discuss it back at Geek Central; Grant doesn’t want anyone to know that he had a hand in closing the church, but he’s made sure that nothing will stand in the way of his building plans.  In light of this discovery, they realize that three days is not enough time to pull off the con.  The only thing they can do is try to buy themselves more time, and the only way to do that is to fake a miracle.  Nate knows an awful lot about miracles, as he once went to seminary school.  You know, for some reason I have no problem seeing him in seminary school.  It just seems to fit with the character.  The team is quite a bit more surprised than I am, especially since faking a miracle will “put them in mortal sin territory.�?nbsp; The Catholic Church also says that stealing and lying are mortal sins, so you guys are already down for time in the pit.  Plus, all you have to do to get rid of a mortal sin is go to confession, so it’s really not all that “mortal�?to begin with.  Get a new argument, guys. 

The team eventually agrees to go along with the plan.  Parker poses as a nurse and fakes Fr. Paul’s test results to keep him in the hospital and away from the church.  Sophie leaks Grant’s plans to build the new mall, giving him a ton of negative press.  When she talks to Tomas about the plans, he says that Grant’s plans will “sweep out the gangs,�?but there seems to be an undercurrent of nostalgia for his hometown in his words.  Grant doesn’t share this nostalgia, and is simply distraught about the bad pr.  Sophie suggests that they hold a press conference at the church about how his mall will open “new opportunities for all.�?nbsp; He loves the idea, and immediately restarts his verbal abuse on Tomas.

Back at Leverage headquarters, Hardison has made quite a few replicas of the St. Nicolas statue we saw earlier.  He’s got a bunch of different “miracles�?prepared, including bleeding ears and a “stigmata paintball gun.�?Too bad he can’t aim for shit, as Eliot happily points out to him.  “Everybody can’t be Eliot,�?Hardison replies testily, as Parker warns them not to “melt Santa.�?I love them all.  Nate meets Sophie in another room, and tells him that all systems are a go.  She also asks how talking to his ex-wife was.  “Strange,�?he says, and he confesses that he still feels guilty about something unnamed.  “You never cheated on her, Nate,�?Sophie says.  “Tempted,�?Nate corrects her, and it’s blindingly clear that Sophie is the temptress in question.  They briefly talk about their relationship then and now, and gaze longingly at one another before Sophie tells Nate not to take too long figuring out exactly where he stands with her.  FYI, next to the dictionary entry for “eye-fucking�?there is a screencap from this scene.

Over at the church, Grant is giving his press conference when the woman from the opening scene interrupts him.  She declares that there’s a miracle in the church, and everyone goes inside to see the statue of St. Nicolas crying what appear to be real tears.  Outside, Hardison reveals that he did some fancy chemistry thing that makes the statue cry whenever someone lights a candle.  Alrightly then.  The church is absolutely swarming with people, and the team realizes that they might not be able to control the ramifications of what they’ve done.  Despite everyone’s doubts, Nate is feeling pretty good about the whole situation.  That is, until Fr. Paul gets a hold of him.  The good father is pretty pissed about the whole situation, as he’s guessed that Nate planted a fake miracle.  Nate refuses to tell him anything, but assures him he’s “got it covered.�?nbsp; Fr. Paul does not look reassured.

Meanwhile, Sophie meets with Grant at his office.  He’s actually not freaking out, and claims that the miracle gave him “a crisis of conscience.�?nbsp; For a moment everything seems to be looking up, but then Grant reveals that this crisis has inspired him to build Bibletopia at the site of the church.  It will include the statue, food courts, St. Nicolas bobbleheads, and a sea that parts every half hour.  Perhaps this reaction is sacrilegious, but goddamn.  That is some crazy shit right there.  And it’s pretty fucking improbable, since the Catholic Church would almost certainly find a way to seize the site and declare it a shrine if they found that the miracle was legit.  They don’t mess around with this stuff.  Of course, Grant doesn’t actually think that the miracle is real, which means that when the inevitable investigation happens and the Church debunks the statue, his whole Bibletopia idea won’t be worth a cent.  But whatever, apparently this is a legitimate threat, so just go with it.

It’s still five kinds of crazy over at the church.  The team is just about out of idea when the whole situation gets even worse; investigators from the Vatican arrive.  Everyone except Sophie and Nate book it at that point, because they are seriously in some deep shit now.  If the Vatican finds that the statue is a fraud they’ll blame Fr. Paul, so Nate is going to have to undo the con.  A more immediate concern presents itself when Fr. Paul tries to confess the fraud to the visiting priests.  Nate drags him into a confessional and starts to explain the fraud, but Fr. Paul won’t let him until he phrases it as a confession.  He isn’t repentant for what he’s done because he did everything for the right reasons, but Fr. Paul doesn’t buy the whole “ends justify the means�?thing.  He also thinks that Nate’s actions border on suicidal, and that maybe his true mission isn’t to save the church but to save his friend. 

Grant arrives at the church and is actually pleased to see that the Vatican has arrived.  He sees the situation as win/win for him, since he’ll look good if the miracle is a fraud and he’ll get the land deed ripped out of his hands by the Pope to open Bibletopia if it’s declared real.  Again, whatever.  While Grant schmoozes with the Vatican, Tomas gets a contemplative look on his face and decides to go to confession.  Looks like it’s only a matter of time before that shoe drops. 

Commercials!  Does anyone else keep thinking that the lady in the HP commercial is Parker until they reveal that it’s Fergie?  Nope, just me?  Okay them, moving on!

The team is pretty much freaking out, since any scientific test will prove that the statue isn’t crying real tears.  Isn’t any form of liquid falling from the eyes of a statue pretty miraculous?  Since they can’t just steal the statue without making Fr. Paul look guilty, Nate wants to make it “miraculously disappear�?in the middle of mass the next day.  Everyone thinks he’s crazy, but the man cannot be stopped.  Cut to the mass, and holy crap, I can still recite the entire thing by memory.  Get out of my head, Catholic school!  While Fr. Paul is giving his homily about how miracles shouldn’t be necessary to inspire faith, Parker repels down the back of the church and grabs the statue (it’s no longer too heavy for her to lift, since they already replaced the real one with a light one Hardison made earlier).  A little girl sees her do it, but she thinks that Parker is an angel, and declares this believe when everyone else notices that the statue is gone a moment later.  Fr. Paul notices Parker standing outside, and declares to everyone that he knows what actually happen.  He leads them to a van outside, declaring that “there is no miracle�?as he opens its doors to reveal the real statue.  Hardison exits the van with a registration saying that it’s owned by Grant.  Grant immediately says that he’s being framed and that Tomas can vouch for him.  Of course, he doesn’t know about Tomas�?recent crisis of conscience.  We get a flashback to Tomas�?time in the confessional, in which Nate possess as a priest and tells him to confess everything.  When we return to the present Tomas does just that.  Sophie finally reveals herself as a fraud to him, and as he’s carted off by the police he screams “are you even British?�?nbsp; Awesome.

A bit later, Nate and Fr. Paul meet up inside of the church.  Nate says that Fr. Paul broke the seal of the confessional, doing the wrong thing for the right reason, and the father can’t really argue.  He says that Nate had better come to the next service, and Nate does not commit either way.  Fr. Paul leaves and Nate lights a memorial candle before joining the rest of the team in front of the returned statue.  When Parker reasserts her believe that St. Nicolas is Santa, Sophie reveals that he’s actually the patron saint of thieves, and the team leaves with the satisfaction of a job well done.

Happy New Year, everyone!  I hope you’re all having a great holiday.  Anyone have any resolutions?  I have a few, including 1) learning an instrument, 2) participating in some sort of underground revolution, and 3) never, EVER agreeing to recap a midseason show again.  Because while every other recapper’s shows are on hiatus, allowing them to have a lovely break for the holidays, Leverage never fails to keep me busy.  Show, I love you dearly, but I think we need a trial separation.  You’re all up in my personal space.

It’s a swelteringly hot day in the small town of Juan, Texas.  God, I’m jealous.  It’s about thirty degrees up in these parts and I’m starting to miss being able to feel my fingers and toes.  Sophie’s disguised herself as a bank employee and is sitting at a desk when Nate enters the bank.  He’s dressed in cowboy chic, and boy does he make it work.  Another man enters with him, and a pretty young teller addresses him as Judge Brown.  Because the Judge is the asshole of the week, he gives her a firm smack on the ass.  Turns out she’s only nineteen, and the Judge wishes she was a bit younger.  Oh, eww.  This is a basic cable show, buddy, so we’ll have none of that.  A bank worker takes Nate and Judge Pedophile into a back room and gives them a safety deposit box before the Judge rudely tells him to GTFO.  The box is filled with money, and Nate packs it away in a briefcase.

Outside of the bank, Parker and Hardison are destroying papers in the back of an unmarked van.  Hardison is complaining about how long the current con is taking and about the intense heat.  You want to trade places, Hardison?  Because methinks that one New England winter will make you want to stay in Texas forever.  Hardison is also unhappy with the internet service in Juan, since it took him “almost an hour to torrent the last episode of Doctor Who.�?nbsp; Hardison’s a Whovian, y’all!  I wonder how many nights he’s cried himself to sleep since David Tennant announced his departure from the show.  Parker scolds Hardison about downloading illegally (which, hypocritical much?) before setting a trash can filled with papers on fire and happily watching the flame.  Hardison contacts Eliot via their super stealthy ear pieces, and Eliot says that he’s almost finished cleaning out the headquarters they used for this con.  He’s excited that they’re taking the Judge for every penny that he’s worth, but he wishes they could do more to hurt him.  Oh, just you wait, my friend.  Just you wait.

Back in the bank, Nate and the Judge are a few feet from the door when Nate suddenly stops and looks around.  He notices a man with a gun in his bag, and says “we gotta get out of here�?to Sophie over their earpieces.  She gets up, but by then it’s too late.  The man pulls out the gun, and a teenage boy with him pulls out another.  They announce that they’re robbing in the bank and instruct all of the hostages to get on the floor and stay down.  The rest of the team hear the announcement through the earpieces and are none too pleased with the turn of events.  Hardison drives the very suspicious van away while wondering why Nate didn’t just leave when he had the chance.  “Don’t be an idiot, Hardison!�?Parker says.  “Sophie was still in there.�?

The two robbers have taken all the money from behind the bank’s counter, but it’s not enough for whatever they need.  The older robber tells the pretty teller from before to open the safe, but she can’t because she’s not a manager and they can only be unlocked at certain times of the day.  Judge Greedy slides the briefcase under a nearby desk so the robbers don’t get any of his money.  Man has his priorities, after all.  Eliot arrives and pushes past the police line, and it looks like he found his flat-iron again.  His hair flutters purposefully in the breeze as he asks Nate what to do via the earpiece.  Under the ruse of talking to the Judge, Nate tells Eliot that there are two robbers, that neither of them seems to know what they’re doing, and that he doesn’t want Eliot to try and enter the bank.  Eliot says “you’re call, boss,�?and it’s kind of amazing how quickly these guys went from solo players to being Nate’s men.  They really, really seem to trust him.

Despite Nate’s advice, Judge Self-Important tries to talk the gun men down.  He says that he make all of the charges they’re facing go away.  “The truth is what I say it is,�?he says.  “Whatever story I make up about what happened in here, these little people will tell the cops.�?nbsp; See, if someone addressed me as a “little person,�?I would automatically say the opposite of what he wanted me to just to spite him.  But perhaps the cold just makes us northerners angry and bitter like that.  If the gunman’s completely weather-inappropriate flannel shirt is any indication, he’s got a bit of northern blood in him as well, and he tells the Judge to get his ass back on the ground.

The working plan is that the team has to “be the police,�?so Parker and Hardison disguise themselves as FBI agents.  Parker is disgusted by the ineptitude of the bank robbers, since it would only take her 42 seconds to do the same job.  They introduce themselves to Sheriff Hastings, and Hardison explains their quick arrival time on a local chupacabra investigation.  I bet Hardison would like that other show I recap.  They learn that, not only does Juan not have a SWAT team, but their secret weapon is a guy named Virgil who’s got a hunting rifle and is waiting Lee Harvey Oswald-style in a nearby building.  Well, at least it shouldn’t be too hard to outwit these guys.

Inside the bank, the robbers finally decide to ask for the manager.  Why they didn’t ask, say, the second that they found out they needed a manager to open the safe is beyond me.  Sophie puts on an American accent and claims to be the manager, and the real bank employees have no problem letting her put herself in danger.  The older gunman takes her to a back room so she can try to open the safe.  Meanwhile, Nate asks Hardison what he’s found out about the gunmen.  Turns out the older guy is Derrick Clark, a retired military officer.  Derrick cleared out his bank account that morning, which doesn’t explain why he’s robbing the bank now.  Eliot takes off towards Derrick’s address.

Things get a bit more complicated when the police cut power to the bank, effectively cutting off the fans and air conditioning.  Sucks to be you guys!  When Hardison and Parker ask why they did this, Sheriff Hastings said that his deputy took an online course on crisis management, complete with certificates.  “Magic kits come with certificates,�?Hardison says testily.  Does that make it cool for kids to saw their parents in half?�?nbsp; Hee!  When the Sheriff says that they’re just trying to do everything “by the book,�?Hardison tears up and says that “the book got a good man killed!�?nbsp; He walks off, too emotional to keep talking, and Parker lets the police know that his ex-partner met a violent end thanks to the book and a propeller.  Hah!  FBI Hardison and Parker are pretty funny.

While she tries to open the safe, Sophie asks Derrick why he and his son are doing this.  When he figures out that she doesn’t know the code she drops the fake accent and says that she just wants to help.  In the main room, Derrick’s son gets a call on his cell phone.  From the side of the conversation that we hear it’s pretty clear that they’re trying to get the money for ransom.  Speaking of which, Eliot notices signs of a struggle at the Clark household.  He tells Nate this information and that the kid’s name is Michael.  Nate gets up and walks over to Michael, who seriously twitchy right now.  He asks if Michael knows who took her. Michael says that it’s all his fault, since he was doing favors and drug runs for meth dealers.  Well, that certainly explains the twitchiness.  Last week a shipment was stolen and the dealers think that Michael stole the drugs (which he didn’t).  They said he had to either return the meth or have $100,000 by five o’clock today or they’d kill his mom.  Nate calmly insists that he can help, since he’s “got people on the outside.�?nbsp; Sophie is having the same argument, but with less success.  She goes the complete honestly route, admitting that she’s a thief and that her team was trying to rip off the Judge.  Turns out he’s completely corrupt in addition to being an asshole; he’s been taken bribes from local criminals and recently freed a man who killed a local girl.  The money from this scam was supposed to go to the girl’s family.  Now they’re going to use it to save Mrs. Clark.  The quickly plan for Parker to go into the bank through the night deposit shoot, get the money, give it to Eliot and have him deliver it to the drug dealers.  The only problem is that the entry to the shoot is in an alley that’s visible to the police.  Actually, that’s not completely true, as Hardison informs us that the real FBI will be there in about 45 minutes.  They’ve got to do this job and do it fast.

Derrick drags Sophie back into the room, yelling at everyone to get back on the ground and shut up.  For a minute it looks like he’s decided not to trust her, but then he stealthily kicks the briefcase out from under the desk and into the area behind him.  Outside, Hardison pretends to get a call from the robbers.  He hangs up after about three seconds and then lets the police know that the robbers have a long list of demands that could not possibly have been communicated in the short time span of the phone call.  These cops are idiots.  While he gives the list of demands—which  includes twelve pizzas with various toppings, an Etch A Sketch (“because someone in there likes to squiggle�?, and copies of the latest Hall and Oates CD—Parker  makes her way into the bank.  Once she makes it through the shoot Derrick gives her the briefcase, impressing that his wife’s life is on the line.  “Sometimes bad guys and the only good guys you get,�?she tells him, but he still seems hesitant to trust her.  Back in the main room, Judge Doesn’t-Listen-To-Reason actually holds up a white handkerchief and tells Michael that he’ll lone him the money he needs.  He goes for the briefcase to show that he means what he says, but of course the briefcase is gone.  Michael gets a call and turns to ask Nate for advice, and while his back is turned the Judge grabs him and twists the arm with the gun behind his back.  In the struggle the gun goes off and Nate is shot is his right shoulder.  Derrick runs back into the room and enters a standoff with the Judge, who now has the gun pointed at Michael, while Sophie cradles Nate in a panic.

Outside, the cops hear the gunshot and draw their weapons.  Hardison gets them to wait before they try and enter the bank, all the while listening to his earpiece to try and figure out what’s going on.  The Judge heard Sophie scream Nate’s name when he was shot, so he now knows that Nate and Sophie were trying to rip him off.  Only he also thinks that the Clarks are in on it as well, and that the bank robbery was an elaborate ruse used to get his money.  Derrick tells him about the kidnapping and the ransom, but Judge I’ll-Kill-All-Y’All-Bitches doesn’t believe him and orders him to hand over his gun.  Derrick has no choice but to comply.  Sophie begs him to let Nate get to a hospital, but the Judge won’t let anyone out until he gets his money back.

Speaking of his money, it’s currently sitting in the middle of a road, being watched by Eliot while he waits for the drug dealers to pick it up.  Sophie tells the Judge that it’s not in the bank anymore, effectively letting him know that they have people on the outside.  He finds Nate and Sophie’s earpieces and destroys them, meaning it’s now up to the rest of the team to save the day.  Once the Judge walks away Sophie tearfully berates Nate for not walking out when he had the chance, saying that she would have been fine if he’d left her there.  You know, I don’t usually ship cannon couples, but I think I’m on board with this one.  They just have such an interesting relationship.

Since they have to get Nate out of the bank ASAP, the remaining team members need to get the briefcase back.  Luckily, Eliot and his transgenic strength Manticore martial arts training fearsome hair are on the job.  He takes down the dealers and frees Mrs. Clark without breaking a sweat.  At the bank, the pizza arrives, and Hardison brings it to the door.  Nate lets the Judge know that the money will be in the pizza boxes, so the Judge lets Hardison and two EMTs into the bank.  When Hardison starts treating the Judge like a deranged bank robber, Judge Deluded acts surprised and tries to say that he’s not the criminal here.  After all, it’s not like he’s holding multiple guns and preventing a wounded man from getting medical attention or anything.  Hardison calls for the police and they surround the Judge.  He tries to explain the situation, but when he looks over the pizza box full of money is gone.  The briefcase is there instead, and filled with meth.  Judge Royally-Fucked rushes over to Derrick and Michael, both of whom are now wearing hats, but when he removes the hats we see that it’s really Eliot and Parker.  A flashback shows us that they were the EMTs, and that they quickly switched clothes with Derrick and Michael while the police showdown was going on.  They load Nate into an ambulance and drive away, and we see that Mrs. Clark is the ambulance driver.  At the bank the team does damage control, telling the police how the Judge was the one who held up the bank from the start.  When the other hostages are asked about it, they turn on the Judge, tired of his demeaning ways and general asshole-ery.  When the police go to look at the tapes, Hardison has already doctored them to make it look like the Judge was responsible for the hold-up from the start.  Suck on that, bitch!

The team finally leaves, Hardison pretending to pass the case off to the real FBI.  Somewhere along the way the ambulance picked everyone up and dropped the Clarks off, because now it’s just the Fab Five in the vehicle.  Eliot patches Nate up while Sophie praises Parker on her acting performance.  Though Hardison seems to think that the pizza boxes were a crude idea, Nate insists that he couldn’t have come up with anything better.  They ride off into the sunset, set on getting the money they still managed to steal to the murdered girl’s family, getting the hell out of dodge, and getting some well-deserved rest.