R/P Title   People Involved   Allies/Unfortunate   Accomplishments   W2K W/L Record   OOC "I'M THE HITMAN, SON!"  ..[hr title II]..   Shifty, Aaron, Xavier Homicide, Marcus Johnson, Bum, Jasmine, Jerry   Stephanie Starrett / everybody else   More than enough to make you look ridiculous   0-0   This is without a doubt the longest, most incoherent, rambling thing I've ever posted. Hopefully the humor is enough to keep it interesting. ~The scene opened outside in an urban neighborhood. It was dark, not too many people walking the streets, but the ones that were there, were ones that you would beg not to stab you. In the midst of this, however, is Shifty, walking down the sidewalk. He sticks out like Rosie O'Donnell at a fitness center, except not all fat and ugly and everything. His multicolored hair is pulled back into a ponytail, and he's wearing a number thirty three Paul Pierce jersey, celebrating the Celtic's NBA Championship victory, along with some baggy blue jeans and a pair of the classic white Addidas Superstars with black stripes. And yeah, the Celtics beat his hometown Pistons, but they also beat the Lakers. Better Boston than Los Angeles. Anyways, I believe I should now mention that the picture isn't quite as crisp as it usually is, and the cameraman's hands are unsteady, to say the least. That's because the cameraman happens to be Shifty's old friend from high school, Aaron, carrying his Sony Handicam to capture this occasion. What that occasion was, we'd soon find out.~ Shifty~"Hold the camera steady, you're shakin' like Michael J. Fox." Aaron~"Shut up dude, just do your thing." Shifty~"Alright, now recently within a certain radius of W2K we've seen some crazy things happening. A black man, Mister Xavier Homicide, got chased by a man and his two dogs, then went back and had his way with the female portion of his family. We've seen a disgusting sumo wrestler get conned out of candy and confused several times before ending up using a one Marcus Johnson's clothes as sweat rags, a robot was ripped in half.... it's been nuts. That's why I needed to come home. Not just for the salvation, but also to do a little show of my own. People going places, taking risks, that seems to be the trend, so what the hell? For once in my life, I'll follow the lead. So I came back home, good ol' Detroit, Michigan, two thousand and sixes murder capital, U.S.A.. Did you know that in that same year, there were one thousand and eighty five reported cases of aggrivated assault, along with a forced rape rate of sixty seven?! I'd better watch my ass, literally. Getting back to the subject at hand, I'm going to go visit a former girlfriend of mine. We dated for a while in high school, then we broke up, and I found someone else. To this day, she still thinks I cheated on her. I didn't, but I'm almost thinking I might tell her that I did. Why is this so dangerous? Because she's a Latina that grew up in the ghetto of Detroit. She's got that Latina temper, and the attitude to fit in on Jerry Springer, making her a dangerous force. Back in high school, she beat up four of the football players in the same week, because they put white out over the numbers of her locker combination, and she couldn't read it to get it open. Great prank, in my opinion. But I-" ~Shifty is soon interrupted by a man that jumps up next to him, looking into the camera all excited like. He is a dirty old bum, African American in race, with maybe six teeth left in his mouth. His scruffy beard and wide, gapped smile make him look like quite the character. He kinda looks like Bling Bling off of Bumfights. But one has to wonder what the hell he's doing here.~ Shifty~"Uhh, hey buddy, how's it goin'?" Bum~"Dis one dem documennary shits? My gon' be on TV?" Shifty~"Not really a documentary, but you could be on tv, although I'm sure this will be edited out. I'm actually a professional wrestler." Bum~"Awww, snap! You droppin' elbows an' comin' off the ropes like a wham onna head! Dis one time, I put a snake inna Macho Man's weddin' gifts!" Shifty~"Actually, that was Jake Roberts, and from the looks of you, you're far from him. What's your name, anyways?" Bum~"Jake Roberts." Shifty~"No, seriously." Bum~"I'M THE HITMAN, SON!" Shifty~"That was Bret Hart. Are you high on somethin'?" Bum~"I'M THE HITMAN, BROTHER! I'MMA SMACK DOWN THE CANDY ON YO BOOKA T! ERRYBODY KNOW MY VITAMINS BEAT DA BULLDOG ONE TWO TREE! FLOAT LIKE A BUTTERFLY, STING WEAR MY FACEPAINT TO LUNCH!" ~The bum heads off towards the other side of the street, chasing after someone as he continues to yell nonsense. They watch as they disappear around the corner, and the camera quickly becomes angled towards the ground, the laughter from Shifty and Aaron clearly heard. As they regain their composure, Aaron raises the camera up and points it at Shifty again.~ Shifty~"What the fuck was that?" Aaron~"The best thing I've ever seen in my life." Shifty~"Ahhh, wow. Regardless, we've got places to be. Let's just hope to not get sidetracked like that again." Aaron~"Why not? I got the shitty job, holding the camera. Shit like that brings some entertainment to my night." Shifty~"Just shut up and hold the camera or I'll bring some foot to your teeth." ~The two continue walking for a few blocks, engaging in normal conversation and managing not to get stopped by anymore clinic escapees. They finally appear to arrive at their destination, a large brick apartment building. Shifty looks up at the higher windows, trying to spot which lights are on. He walks up to the board with all the buttons next to the names of the apartment dwellers, and begins looking along the list of names.~ Shifty~"Well, this is the building where she lives. Now I've just got to remember what one she lives in...." Aaron~"I'm betting it would be the one with her last name next to it." Shifty~"Her last name is Diaz, do you know how many fuckin' Diaz's there are on this thing?" Aaron~"Just press 'em all." Shifty~"Yeah, I guess I could." ~Shifty slaps both hands against the buttons and runs his hands down the entire line. Several jumbled voices are heard coming from the speaker, asking who it was, what they wanted, and one kindly told him to fuck off. Somone did manage to unlock the door though, which was really all he needed.~ Shifty~"Jackpot." ~He pulls open the door, and they go inside. They walk into the first hallway, before Shifty pauses.~ Aaron~"What?" Shifty~"I still don't know what apartment it is. I know it's on the third floor, but shit." Aaron~"Do you have her number? Call her." Shifty~"I could.... you do it, tell her you're Dave. She definitely won't want to talk to me." ~Shifty flips to the number in his phone, and presses the talk button. He trades his phone for the camera as we now see Aaron on screen. Aaron~"Hey, Jasmine, it's Dave.... yeah.... not much, hey, I was just wondering what apartment number you live in.... well, I'm filling out a job application and putting you down as one of my references.... I don't know, I just thought of you.... three thirteen?.... alright cool, thanks.... later." ~Aaron hangs up the phone, as they trade their equipment back.~ Shifty~"Three thirteen? Go figure, it's the fuckin' area code." ~They press through the door that leads to the stairwell, and make their way up to the third floor. They walk down to apartment number three thirteen, and pause for a moment.~ Shifty~"Ladies and gentlemen, this could get ugly, so just.... don't fret for me." ~He takes a deep breath, and knocks a few times on the door. Suddenly, the door whips open, and standing behind it is your typical image of a Latina woman. Perfect figure, tan skin, long black hair, tight clothes, too much makeup. She's standing in that typical arrogant fashion, all of her weight on one leg while her hip sticks out to the side.~ Jasmine~" Shifty~"It's me, Lukas." Jasmine~"Harris?" Shifty~"Yeah." Jasmine~"You've changed." Shifty~"Well I'm not a midget anymore, if that's what you mean. Got tatted up a little bit, grew my hair out. What, you mean to tell me that you liked me better when I barely stood over five feet tall?" ~Just then, I shit you not, an honest to God midget walks up in the doorway next to her. Shifty's eyes grow wide, as he looks back to the camera. It shakes up and down a bit, as Aaron tries to stifle his laughter.~ Aaron~"What is that?" Jasmine~"This is Jerry, my boyfriend." Jerry~"What the fuck are you starin' at, fruity pants?" Shifty~"You've gotta be shittin' me.... he even has a sqeaky voice! How classic!" Jerry~"You'd better realize I'm right in line to sock you in the nuts, pal." Shifty~"If you can reach, AHAHAHAHA! Jasmine, what the hell? Is it a fetish, or what?" Jasmine~"He's good to me, so if you're gonna be an asshole you can just get the hell out of here." Shifty~"No no no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just.... wow. Kinda took my by surprise there, the irony of it all. Do you mind if I come in? I promise dude, no more jokes." Jerry~"Better not be, I'll kick your ass." ~Aaron drops the camera as he bursts out laughing. Luckily, the thing didn't break.~ Jerry~"Same goes for you, bean pole." Aaron~"HAHAHA! Yeah, I'm sorry, you're just.... little." ~Aaron picks up the camera, as Jasmine steps aside, allowing them to come in. As they do, Jerry kicks Aaron in the ankle when he passes by.~ Aaron~"Something just bit me." ~Jerry snarls, as they all walk into the living room, and have a seat. After everyone is seated Jasmine sighs deeply, and looks to Shifty.~ Jasmine~"So why are you even here?" Shifty~"To be honest with you, I'm wrestling for this place down in Texas right now, that's why he's got the camera." Aaron~"Hi." Shifty~"I'm going for the High Risk Title on our upcoming show, Rage. My plan was to come here and tell you, even though I didn't, that your suspicions all these years were true, and that I cheated on you way back when." Jasmine~"I don't get it, why would you do that?" Shifty~"I figured I'd have to dodge a blade or a bullet. That's risky, right? But I got here, and now I feel bad for the whole incident at the door earlier, so I'll just scrap the whole idea." Jasmine~"Seems like a long way to come for nothing." Shifty~"It is, but I'll live. At least I got to come back home for a bit. And we met this really cool bum outside." Jerry~"Did he call himself The Hitman? Did he have my wallet?" Shifty~"You know him?" Jerry~"Yeah, the crazy fucker stole my wallet! Of course, I couldn't catch him when he ran away, so he got away with it." Shifty~"Sorry to hear that. But look, why don't we all just kinda take this time to relax and catch up? I mean, my whole original idea went to hell, so why not?" Jasmine~"You wanna roll one up?" Shifty~"We'd better turn the camera off." ~Aaron fumbles with the camera for a bit, before the video cuts out. Fast forward to about an hour and a half later, and the camera is brought back to life. Standing in front of the camera is Shifty, who looks absolutely toasted. He's holding a plate of cookies, a pitcher of milk, and is holding a blunt in between his smiling teeth. With his eyes barely open, he manages to mumble out his final words of the video.~ Shifty~"As we've learned here, where one risk ends, another one begins. I didn't get to pull off my original plan, but now I have made some cookies, and I have no idea what is in them. I will bring them back to Texas with me, and anyone who wants to be high risk, can have one with me. I'll tell you right now, there's marijuana in them, but we also can't find the cat, so I don't know, might've gotten a little unintentional Chinese top chef thing goin'. I'll be back tomorrow W2K, but for now, I'm going to drink this pitcher of milk, and pretend Jerry is doing little midget cartwheels until I throw up and fall asleep. Take care of yourselves." ~Shifty goes to sit down, but as he turns around, he trips over Jerry, who is laying face down on the floor. Milk flies everywhere, and the cookies scatter, but he somehow manages to keep that blunt in between his teeth. Good man. The camera switches off, indicating the end of this long and very pointless video.~ Disclaimer This layout was made by me for my own use. This layout is not to be used by anyone else without my permission. Anyone caught using this layout without the said permission will immediately be reported and dealt with appropriately for theft. Don't steal, it's rather stupid.