RAGE Review [#118 - December 11th, 2006]

Opening Segment 1:

Hamid is on screen, and he says that tonight, the main event has been altered. What used to be Cross vs Skylar in a singles match is now going to be a no-rules tag match where both men have chosen a partner. Naturally, Cross has chosen Ryan Cain. Skylar, on the other hand, has chosen Aftershock, the untested behemoth of R2K. Hamid also notes that should Ryan Cain not show up, Cross will either need to find a partner or wrestle alone. He wishes everyone an excellent episode of RAGE and disappears.

The show begins with the arrival of W2K Championess, Tyna Hilton. She makes her way to the ring with the Championess Title in full view, and well deserved according to Joey Kewl. She enters the ring with a microphone, ready to begin the show with a little trash talk. She says she's more than confident that her match against Amber Michaels tonight will end the debate as to which woman should be Championess. She says the battle at Soul Survivor was hard fought, but that the title is in her possession and it was meant to be that way. Her speech is interrupted by the sound of Amber Michaels making her way to the ring. Amber marches right to the ring, up the stairs, through the ropes... and tackles Tyna to the floor!

The two women battle each other, fiercely punching and kicking away, hardly able to get a wrestling move in. It's an all-out brawl as both of them battle for dominance, but neither woman can keep the other down. The fight goes on for a few minutes without interruption, but finally, Hamid walks out onto the stage and tells them to save it for later because they're wasting his time. Two waves of security seperate the two and haul them off. Hamid makes his way to the back, and the camera follows him.

Backstage:

Hamid walks back and ends up running into the three women who were *supposed* to start the show. Serenity, Isabel and Summer Stratus put aside their differences for the time being to question Hamid about why their match is crossed off the card on the wall. Hamid tells them that Amber and Tyna took up too much time slapping each other around, and now he doesn't have enough time for their match. He throws in that they're what's hot right now, and the fans would rather see the Championess match anyway. Serenity pulls out Hamid's pants while Isabel and Summer pour their drinks in. Hamid hobbles away looking defeated, but the three vixens look ready to murder someone.

Teh Slax0rz vs Kutter Flash and Michael Angelucci:

The match begins with PJ Curtis enfuriating Kutter with his antics. Bob Pocket tags in and joins in on the fun, with the two slax0rz being tough for Kutter to get his hands on. Just as he catches Curtis, Kutter is nailed by a Slingshot Scissorkick from Pocket for an early near fall. Kutter is bullied by Pocket and Curtis, who use a combination of quick tags and fast impact moves to keep the beast reeling. Angelucci tags in and puts the antics to an end with a pair of Angle Slams on both Slaxorz.

Angelucci works on Bob Pocket with some mindgames, treating him like a wounded animal. Pocket tries to make several comebacks, but to no avail- Angelucci is on his game and eager to regain the gold. There's a hot tag to PJ Curtis, and Curtis fires away with a volley of acrobatic kicks before taking down Angelucci with a Hurricanrana. Michael tags to Kutter, though, and Kutter gets his revenge from before. He lays PJ flat with a Spinebuster for a near fall.

Kutter tags Angelucci back in after slamming PJ Curtis around. They go for a doubleteam on Curtis, but Bob Pocket blindsides both of them and battles them off. Two on one is never good odds for the one, though, and Pocket is quickly held still by Angelucci. Angelucci tells Kutter to GOOOOOORE!!! He tries to move at the last second, but Bob Pocket pulls him back and both he and Angelucci are GOOOOORED senseless! PJ comes off the top rope with... uh, something... and hooks Angelucci for an upset victory! Kutter is too late to stop the fall, and ends up looking very furious as Teh Slax0rz celebrate retaining the tag gold.

Backstage: 8-Man Texas Brawl

It seems like the huge Texas Brawl has already started, since Dylan Abrams has already been slammed through the glass of a vending machine and the rest of the participants are, well, brawling. Latino Diablo runs up Abrams and leaps up onto the top of the machine, moonsaulting off for SUPER COMBO DAMAGE x20!!! Bummer for Trey Trauma, who was at the receiving end, so his lifebar dropped to zero. Psycho and Thug toss Caleb Tanner out of an open window... that can't be healthy for him. Tim Torn decides enough is enough and turns Super Saiyan x2, which is bad news for Psycho and Thug as Torn double-Spears both of them into the popcorn vendor (the cart, not the guy). The only guys standing are Falcone and Latino Diablo. Diablo and Falcone brawl all the way down the hall and into Hamid's office. Hamid gets caught on camera drying his crotch with a hairdryer.

He declares next week that there will be a "Falls Count Anywhere But In My Office" match between whoever didn't die in the hallway just now. Hamid is such a standup guy. I hope that crotch-drying goes okay for him.

Cross is getting ready for his match, but a loud noise in the hallway gets his interest. He goes outside and finds Aftershock, belly up and driven through the catering table. Cross scratches his head, observing the mess. JT Kash is suddenly standing next to Cross, eating a burrito. Cross asks JT what happened, and Kash explains that Aftershock attempted to cut in line, when JT specifically said "no cutsies". Cross shrugs and asks Kash if he's seen Ryan Cain around. JT hasn't. Cross grabs a soda can off Aftershock's forehead and shrugs.

Bryan Williams and Ace Hart vs Nic E Dangerously and Xander Allen Walker:

Bryan starts off with XAW, attempting to technically challenge Xander, but repeatedly being smashed with forearms or kicked violently. XAW doesn't seem like a technical kind of guy, but he's willing to trade off for someone who is. XAW tags to Dangerously and sneaks a swig of his flask while he does it. NED and Bryan lock up, and Dangerously easily overpowers him. Bryan manages to sweep NED to the floor at one point, but NED arm-drags him to the mat and gets up. Bryan makes a frustrated tag to Ace Hart, who isn't about to be overpowered. Ace and NED glare at each other, but that quickly breaks down into a discussion on whose moustache is better.

Bryan decides to intervene, but his lack of a moustache makes him easy to spot amongst Triple H types, and NED easily scouts his attack and counters with a Deus Ex Machina that takes Williams down a peg. Ace Hart grabs NED on the rebound and delivers his Pedigree, The Paragon. While the referee rolls Bryan out of the ring, XAW smacks Ace in the face with a cane. Xandy is the only guy standing, but since he isn't the legal man, he puts his arm around the ref and relaxes, lighting up a cigarette.

NED and Ace are getting up at the same time, but Joe Sixpack has just entered the ring. The referee has smoke in his eyes thanks to Xander, so Joe easily nails Dangerously with a chair before escaping through the crowd. Xandy follows him with a vengeance, but he's made the mistake of leaving Nic alone. Bryan capitalizes with his Double Underhook Facebuster and makes the cover. The referee is too blind to notice Bryan isn't the legal man, and so Ace and Bryan walk away winners.

Skylar is at the site of the catering wreckage, where Aftershock is still out cold. He seems disgruntled, now without a partner, but a voice from outside the camera's range asks him what's wrong. Skylar doesn't bother looking at the guy, he just explains that he can't seem to put one over on an asshole who really deserves it. The guy outside the shot says he can relate, and Skylar finally turns around. He's got a grin on his face as the scene fades.

Tyna and Amber immediately lock up and struggle for position. Neither will forfeit, and as a result, they end up shoving each other through the ropes to the outside. Amber and Tyna take turns controlling the brawl from there, ramming each other into blunt objects and generally brutalizing one another. Amber takes the lead with a leaping Dropkick off the stairs, and throws Tyna into the ring for a near fall. Amber impresses the fans with some powerful slams, showing off some surprising strength. Once confident in her dominance, Amber drops down and begins talking smack into Tyna's face- proclaiming herself the true Championess. Tyna uses the time more wisely than Amber, and topples Amber with a Monkey Flip that sends Amber rolling to the outside.

Tyna recovers and vaults over the ropes, landing on her foe with amazing impact and speed. She drags Amber back into the ring for a near fall, but Amber isn't willing to give. Tyna goes back outside and retreives a ladder from under the ring, sparking the fans, but angering the referee. Tyna boldly swings the ladder upside the ref's head and he falls right out of the ring. Tyna sets up the ladder and begins climbing, but Amber isn't as hurt as Tyna thought. Amber gets up and climbs as well, and soon the two meet at the top. They begin battling for control, just like Soul Survivor. The fans are into it, but the match is soon interrupted by Serenity, Summer Stratus and Isabel.

The three women share a microphone on stage and relate their frustration over having their match cancelled. It's their opinion that the three of them are better than Tyna and Amber, and that they deserve the spotlight, and the Championess Title. The three women descend on the ring, entering it. Tyna drops off the ladder, but Amber is still standing on it as Isabel and Summer send it crashing down. Amber crashes to the mat with it and lays prone. Tyna is surrounded and weary, but she balls her fists and prepares to fight. Tyna keeps them at bay with stiff punches and kicks, even hitting a DDT on Isabel- but that proves to be her undoing.

Once she gets up from the DDT, Serenity dives on her like a wolf and nails her with Chaotic, her Styles Clash. Summer Stratus goes to hit Tyna, but ends up turning on Serenity with the Summer Breeze! Isabel recovers and leaps on Summer, but Tyna flies at both of them and the three start brawling. Serenity stumbles up, but with her focus on Summer, she hardly notices Amber Michaels creep up behind her with a chair. Actually, it's less like "creeping up" and more like "whacking her senseless". Amber puts a boot on Serenity's throat, screaming all kinds of vulgarity for ruining her match- but all heads are turned by the sound of new music.

Rebecca Rancid appears on stage, scowling. She doesn't seem to have anything to say, as her appearance there says what she needs said. The scene fades on this female warzone.