You might be a Redneck Pagan if...

• If you think "widdershins" refers to the calves of the bereaved lady next door....

• If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg....

• If you think a goblet is a young turkey....

• If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse....

• If you call your coven mates "Bud" and "Sis"....

• If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13....

• If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene....

• If you pronounce "Athame" as "Athaym" and "Samhain" as "Sammon" or "Sam-hayn"....

• If you think a "Sidhe" is a girl....

• If your idea of the "Goddess" is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team....

• If your Bard plays the banjo....

• If your 'Long Lost Friend really IS....

• If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars....

• If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod....

• If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head....

• If you call the Quarters by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"....

• If you call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all, watch me!"....

• If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the back....

• If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker....

• If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun....

• If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots....

• If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff....

• If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21....

• If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words "After you turn off the paved road"....

• If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag....

• If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle....

• If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still....

• If you use an engine block for an altar....

• If your High Priestess is your cousin - as well as your wife....

• If, when drawing down the moon, you say, "Ya'll come on down, ya hear?"....

• If your pickup truck has an Athame rack....

• If your crystal ball is made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)....

• If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar....