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| | | From: mellow (Original Message) | Sent: 11/23/2008 3:52 PM |
| Sears Catalog | |
Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?' The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!' The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.' The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.' Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?' The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her underwear yesterday! | |
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| | | From: Colin | Sent: 11/23/2008 5:44 PM |
Ha ha ha ha, mellow. Good one.... Here's one for you.... Guy goes to church. After the service is over, he walks down the steps outside the church, walks up to the pastor and says, "Father? That was a Goddamned good sermon you gave. I really enjoyed it." The Father looks a bit perplexed and embarassed and says, "Thank you very much, but please be careful with the cussing and taking the Lord's name in vain. I am very convinced this should not be done, to always follow the lighted path and I tell all the congregation to stick by these rules." The guys goes, "Oh. Sorry, Father. I couldn't help it. I just thought it was the best sermon I ever heard in my life. As a matter of fact, in appreciation, I put $5,000.00 in the collection plate I was so overjoyed about it." The Father's eyes go wide and he shouts out, "NO SHIT?!?!!?" Colin |
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Two great jokes! This man approaches the local parish priest and asks him if he can bury his beloved dog in sacred grounds, as it had been his faithful companion for many a year. The priest listens condescendingly but in the end replies, "my good man, I can't allow an animal to be buried in the same place where all our faithful parishioners are." The man nods understandingly and tells the priest, "I understand, father. It would have been more convenient for me, since I live nearby, but I will ask the next parish up the road and perhaps when I donate my $5,000 to them, they will find compassion and bury my pooch." Hearing this, the priest stopped, turned to the man and exclaimed: "For Heaven's sake, my good man! Why didn't you tell me your dog was Catholic?" |
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An airplane crippled and losing altitude heads towards the earth with 4 passengers onboard and 3 parachutes, There is a Pilot and Priest a cub scout and President Bush. The Pilot grabs his parachute and says goodbye and jumps to his safety. So the Cub Scout says to the Priest "father there is only 2 parachutes left what do we do? Then President Bush steps foward and says "im the President of the United States, the smartest man in the world and for the good of all I must live to lead the country". He then says "move out of the way and grabs the little scouts Parachute and jumps out to his safety. The scout looks at the Priest and says "father that man wasnt very nice", and the Priest replies back "and he wasnt very smart either he just took your backpack and jumped out of the airplane" |
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Bubba and Leroy decided to take a vacation from Mississippi. Traveling northeastward near the coast, they stopped in a little town on the tip of North Carolina. The sign in the window said "Men's shirts 1.50" Womens blouses "$5.00". Immediately they ideated that they would buy a bulk of both men and women's garments, take them back home to sell and become filthy rich. So they approached the owner of the business. Bubba, so proud of himself, marched in with his billfold cocked and ready to be emptied out. Leroy stood behind a space behind Bubba since Bubba professed to be the brains of their duet. Bubba challenged the owner of the store to deal and spoke of his personal plan to take the garments back home and resell at a slightly higher price for immediate wealth. The owner of the store replied "Yall are from Mississippi ain't ya?" Bubba's eyes got large and he said" Why shore we are, how'dya know that?" The owner replied "Coz this is a dry cleaners" LOL |
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| | | From: mellow | Sent: 11/23/2008 11:06 PM |
WAYS TO ANNOY A YANKEE * Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING. * Pronounce all one syllable words with two. * When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left." * Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying. * When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!" * Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball. * Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. * Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus. * Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air. * Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .) * Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it." * Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady". * Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "pee-can." * Put Tabasco on everything. * For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!" say , "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!" * When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . . banana ones. * Name all of your children "Bubba." * Use the word "reckon" in a sentence. * "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something. * Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something. * Tell them you don't have an accent, they do. * Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations.. * Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there. . ." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.." * Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend. * Call 'em a yankee. Works every time |
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| | | From: mellow | Sent: 11/23/2008 11:29 PM |
AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE. THE TICKET
AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCKY.
WHEREVER I GO CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T
ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD
DOWN HIS OVERALLS. HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET
AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM
THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD
STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE. "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL AT OUR
AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL."
"I THOUGHT SO TOO," SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S
EATIN' MY POPCORN"!!!!!!!! |
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| | | From: mellow | Sent: 11/23/2008 11:33 PM |
| A well-dressed preacher just died and is standing in line for entrance through the "Pearly Gates". Immediately in front of him is a cab-driver wearing a loud shirt, black leather jacket, sun-glasses, and boots. When the cab-driver reaches the gates, Saint Peter says to him, "Please give me your name and what you did while alive on Earth so that I can determine if you are qualified to enter into Heaven". The cab-driver replied, "My name is Joe Cohen, and I drove a cab in Noo Yawk City". Saint Peter then checked his list, then smiled at the cab-driver, placed a silken robe on him, and gave him a golden staff. He then told the cab-driver to "Enter into the Kingdom of Heaven". Next, the preacher was at the gates. Saint Peter also asked him for his name and what he did on Earth. The preacher straightened-up, stuck out his chest, and proudly proclaimed, "I was a minister of the gospel for 43 years"! Saint peter looked at his list, then gave the preacher a cloth robe and wooden staff, also bidding him into the Kingdom of Heaven. A bit puzzled the preacher says, "Now wait a minute here; you just gave that cab-driver a silken robe and golden staff! How can this be"??? Saint Peter explained, "Up here, we look at RESULTS. While you preached, people fell asleep; while he drove, people prayed"! | |
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CHILDREN'S BOOK TITLES THAT NEVER MADE IT TO THE BEST SELLER LIST You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Your Nightmares Are Real!
Grandpa Gets a Casket
Dad’s New Wife, Robert
Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Whining, Kicking and Screaming To Get Your Way
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
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| | | From: mellow | Sent: 11/26/2008 4:14 PM |
The English Language?"
=============================================
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither
apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is
in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.
English muffins were not invented in England nor French
fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its
paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing
rings are square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor
is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of
booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese?
Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One
louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian
eat?
Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses
that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive
on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a
wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as
heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill
in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by
going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and
off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but
when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I
wind up this essay, I end it?
English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it is
coming or going!!!
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Yeah Mellow, love the english language. I tend to pick apart a word or phrase trying to see if I can fiqure the history of the word. Some are truly strange, much less the meaning of the word sometimes is not what we really think they are. ImJust |
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| | | From: mellow | Sent: 11/30/2008 3:49 PM |
Hymn Titles by Occupation
Do you know your (specific) hymn(s)?
When you go to Church this weekend be sure to smile as you go through your Hymnals!
Dentist's Hymn...............................Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn.....................There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn........................The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn..........................Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn.........................There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn....................Standing on the Promises
Optometrist's Hymn.......................Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn...................I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn.........................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn...................Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn.......................Sweet Bye and Bye
The Realtor's Hymn.........................I've Got a Mansion Just over the Hill
The Massage Therapist's Hymn.......He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn..........................The Great Physician
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
45mph...................God Will Take Care of You
65mph...................Nearer My God To Thee
85mph...................This World Is Not My Home
95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home
100mph..................Precious Memories |
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